Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
OH and his female work colleagues(17 Posts)
I would really appreciate feedback on this because I am struggling to deal with it all.
Been with OH for seven years, he is very focussed on work and evenings and since getting a new job three years ago he comes home and hardly speaks to me or the kids. Our sex life has completely gone and it is like living with a complete stranger. He makes no effort with the house or garden. He ignores anything I ask him to do and most upsetting for me is that I never get any me time at all away from him or the children. I have four teenagers, two of whom are SEN and in the seven years we have been together I have got out to do my own thing for one afternoon.
But I know for a fact that OH is one of the men who is a workplace flirt with the females in his office. For example if he was to send an email to a male colleague with an attachment, the most he will get is a thank you in return. With these two colleagues it will turn into a ping pong of messages along the lines of "thank you that is brilliant you are good" to which he replied "yes, I am very good" to they replied "I bet". Please tell me that I am not the only person who would read into that as being flirting. My gut feeling is that he takes them to lunch quite regularly, which hurts as he never takes me anywhere to do anything.
Anyhow, last year we argued about messages I saw between him and a female colleague along those lines. He went into denial but backed down when he realised how many I had seen. A few months later he had to work on a bank holiday and insisted that he was in the office alone. I even rang him and he told me he was there alone.
This weekend just gone though, we were arguing again because of messages I had seen between him and another female member of staff. Exactly the same type of messages and this time I got even more angry. Somehow it got onto the subject of the bank holiday he had worked to which he replied, "I worked with that weekend, you didn't mind that" of course I replied, "no, you told me you were in working alone". He then turned around and said to me "I had to lie as you would have given me so much crap about it".
We carried on arguing, he is still denying there is anything going on with either or them or anyone else. But, I just don't have that gut feeling. In the end he went to a hotel for the night and returned the next day (Saturday). Saturday was OK, Sunday was pretty quiet, he was still saying that he wants to "try" and put things right. But last night when we went to bed he initiated sex twice and neither times he could maintain an erection. It was like I completely turned him off.
So this morning we spoke when was in the car park at work and basically he is saying that the sex was too early and he felt pressured. He thinks that we should go slowly and try and make things right again. This basically came across as "you caught me out for lying again, for messaging again and now I want to take things slowly and you have to just be patient". WTF????
I am sitting here thinking, well actually what you are trying to do is make yourself fall in love with me and fancy me again. I feel so unloved and unhappy.
Thanks for reading and apologies for it being so long...
What do you get from this relationship? Do you think how it has been up until now with you getting no free time and him focusing all his energy on other women and treating you like a servant is something you want to preserve?!
That's before we even get to the lying and blaming you for his behaviour.
whyare you married to a man who doesnlt love you and makes you unhappy is the first question
secondly what can you do to make yourself happy.
Being married to a 'Jack-the-lad' is fine if you trust him completely and everything is fine and it is just an act, if you like, but....he.....is.....lying so it is fair to assume that he is not just being a jack-the-lad in his persona but also in his actions and I, for one, am willing to bet the truth is far far worse than you are imagining. It would be wise to try and find out in a round about way I what his reputation is really like, perhaps by questioning someone that works with him? You really have to know the truth before you can make a decision.
I used to babysit as a teen for a 'loving couple' that seemed perfect together. I then got my first job at the same company as the husband and OMG the truth about his behaviour with the women there was something that took me ages to square with what I had seen at their home. How he had kept the two separate was a feat in itself but this was before all the tech of today. Don't just speculate. You need to find out the truth.
Thank you for all your replies, especially as I don't think my OP was a bit garbled.
My gut feeling when he was still in the Army was that there was an OW. It was always denied, and it kills me to say this, I put myself through purgatory for bring my relationship history (ex was abusive) into my new relationship. By this I mean that I was insecure and perhaps "looking" for the type of behaviour that was warning that something was not right.
So the more I told him what my gut feeling was, the more he denied it. He still denies to this day that he was unfaithful whilst he was serving. Now he is doing TA on part-time basis and last week when looking at his emails I discovered there is a function to which partners are invited. He is helping to organise it yet "forgot" to tell me about it, saying that as it is mid-week we would struggle to get there. I just feel that with everything else that is going on he did not mention it to me as he just did not want me to know about it or have to go with me.
His previous marriage failed because of an affair with a work colleague, so this is why the flags have always been waving. Prior to that affair he started an online affair with someone and would lie about having to work to spend weekends with her. So when he tells me he has TA there is always part of me that questions whether or not is really a TA weekend. Everytime he goes I spend the whole weekend going through hell thinking he is with someone else.
With regard to asking people he works with, I think I have been portrayed in such a negative light that they would not say anything to me.
We are supposed to be giving it one month from last Saturday as a make or break with our relationship. I don't think in one month I am going to be able to trust him or feel secure with him. I suspect deep down that at some point during the month he will pretending to try but actually sorting himself out somewhere to work. His company are small but have offices globally and I strongly feel that they would help him all they could with somewhere to go.
I am absolutely devastated. I can't eat and I can't sleep. I just feel emotionally exhausted...
sorry, that should read sorting himself out somewhere to live.
Oh TCP. No wonder you feel worn out
Do you not think you would be happier without this millstone of a man?
It sounds like he brings nothing at all to this relationship.
And no, you won't be able to trust him after one month.
This is YOUR decision. Your life - you get one shot at it.
Do you want to waste even another day on this bloke?
So currently, you live a half-life doing absolutely everything for the children while he works, plays and gets his kicks elsewhere, and you make sure he is fed, watered and washed.
You don't even have a friendly partnership and company - he doesn't even speak to you and the children.
Why do you want to be with him? And aren't the chances pretty high with a shit like this that when the kids have left home and he's on the road to retirement etc., he WILL have an affair and probably head off into the sunset with some easily impressed idiot half his age?
If I were you I would sit down and stop being devastated for a minute.
Think about what would ACTUALLY happen if you split. No difference in your childcare committments, just one less set of washing to do. No constant sense of failure and dread at the lack of communication and enjoyment.
What are the finances like? Is it your house?
I wouldn't want to have to get old with a user like this.
OP you deserve so much more than being the housekeeper to an arsehole for 7 years.
I think it's highly likely, given that his affair split his previous marriage, that he workplace affairs are his MO.
I wouldn't give it a month, just contact a solicitor now. The sooner you get rid, the sooner you can get back your self-esteem and happiness.
This is what is really bothering me.
We completed a transfer of equity to get my abusive ex off the mortgage and deeds to the house in 2009. The idea was to sell the house asap and get a new house. Of course that has never happened.
There is no deed of trust with regard of the house, he refused to do one when it became obvious we were never going to move. He verbally tells me that he wants nothing from the house.
I am very tempted to put the house on the market asap and get something just in my name. I have a lot of equity in my house so am pretty confident I could get a status free mortgage if I looked about.
He is still denying being unfaithful.
Yes, but returning tomorrow to update on current position.
If there's no Deed of Trust then he owns 50% and if the property is in joint names you will not be able to sell without his signature. He could agree to give you a higher percentage because you will have to take on responsibility for housing your children but he might not. That two of your children have SEN could mean the property won't be sold until your children reach the age of independence.
I suggest you have a chat with a solicitor before you make any decisions.
Thank you all for your replies, had a rather emotional week.
He is still denying that anything untoward has gone on. He has come home from work today saying that on Monday after work everyone is going out for a leaving do. He is "planning" just to go for something to eat then come home afterwards. Have been here before, this means they have a few drinks and get to the restaurant about 8ish, which means they finish about 10pm ish.
So what do I do? At least he is admitting that she/both of them will be there. If I say I am not happy with him going then I know I am going to be portrayed as the controlling OH. It is worth pointing out that he has never gone on the after-work events before, so what is so important about this one? I get the feeling that there is no leaving do and he is actually seeing her.
This is seriously starting to make me feel ill.
OP you don't need "evidence" and you don't need his, or anyone elses permission to leave this relationship.
You are clearly deeply unhappy and he isn't bothered at all about trying to make things right.
What exactly are you waiting for?
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.