Is there any support available for the families of people in emotionally abusive relationships?

[BurningBright]

My cousin is in an emotionally abusive marriage. The knock-on effect of this has been devastating for the wider family.

My aunt and uncle are loving, kind, generous people. They have always been very close to their children but in the last few years their relationship with my younger cousin has been deliberately, systematically and insidiously undermined and eroded. Every effort they have made to retain a loving relationship with their child has been thrown back in their faces.

They are desperate to continue being a part of my cousin's life, but their efforts are constantly rejected at the behest of my cousin's spouse. My cousin's other family relationships have also been damaged - for example with grandparents and siblings.

No members of the family have any regular contact with my cousin any longer. This is a situation that has been imposed upon them and they find the pain of it almost beyond bearing.

I am aware of many sources of support for the immediate victims of abuse but have not been able to find anything available for the 'collateral' victims, the people whose lives are indirectly damaged because they love a person who is caught up in an abusive relationship. Does anyone know if any such support exists?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I'm not sure there is. I get the feeling that places like MN are about as close as it gets to that kind of support. It's very frustrating for families and friends of those in abusive relationships. I would say it's the same feeling of powerlessness as watching the victim of addiction. Ultimately however, if an adult rejects their family, whether it's through manipulation or by choice, there's precious little the family can do beyond keeping the channels open with a 'we're here when you need us' type message. Like it or not, your cousin is free to make mistakes.

The problem your aunt and uncle face is that, the more they try, the more the husband will paint them as the interfering enemy. If they criticise the husband she will probably leap to his defence. However, if they can take a few steps back and leave her to it (allowing for the 'we're here when you need us' mentioned earlier) she may finally start to question whether she's made the right choice.

How old is the cousin?

[BurningBright]

Hi Cogito,

Thanks for your response. My cousin is 31.

Your analysis is exactly right. No matter what my aunt and uncle do, no matter how kind their intentions or benign their words and actions, everything they say and do is twisted into something altogether different. They have, of late, very much gone down the route of 'we're here if you need us' but that has been transformed into 'you see, they don't really care about us' by the spouse. However, when they did try to be involved in my cousin's life they were 'interfering, being controlling and playing mind games'.

The whole situation has left them utterly bewildered and deeply hurt. What they see happening to my cousin is so far from what they understand as love.

[BurningBright]

By the way, my cousin is male.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

How long has your cousin been married to this man? Did her parents approve of the match in the first instance? Did your cousin have a lot of other boyfriends before this one? Do they live nearby or at a distance? However bewildering and hurtful it may be for them, a 31yo woman is essentially free to do as she sees fit. Abusive men often choose to isolate women from their families and friends in the way you describe because a woman with no support is easier to control.

I would suggest to your aunt and uncle that they continue to be in contact in a 'light touch' way... occasional phone-calls & e-mails, observing special occasions like sending birthday cards, inviting them to family events as normal etc.... sticking to pleasantries only. She may not respond or there may be nasty reactions from him but they have to ignore it and carry on regardless. Play the long game...

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

If he's male the same advice applies but with the genders reversed :)

[BurningBright]

They have been married for three years now. The erosion of my cousin's relationship with his family began before the wedding, though. It's very sad, but I know you are right. There is nothing that can be actively done to change the situation. The only person who can make such a change is my cousin.

I just want to be able to support my aunt and uncle better. Some of the vitriol and cruelty that has been directed at them genuinely beggars belief. But what they are on the receiving end of is very much the outer ripples of the abuse. It really makes me wonder just how much worse it must be for my cousin. What little contact any of us have had with him lately suggests that it is having a detrimental effect on his health - both physical and mental. And yet he just doesn't seem to see what she is doing to him.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

One of the worst cases of emotional abuse I ever witnessed was my own exFIL and his new DW. He was a sixty-something widower with five adult children & several grandchildren and she was a thirty-something divorcee with two young children. Systematically I saw her isolate him from the whole family using tactics up to and including poison pen letters (we're talking pre e-mail so actual pen, ink and envelopes were involved!). Dreadful manipulative woman but she presented herself as Loving Protector, treated him very kindly and, being a man with many health problems, he went along with it and chose her over them.

Your aunt and uncle are roughly where my exH and his siblings found themselves i.e. out in the cold and subjected to vitriol. You say your cousin is having physical and mental health problems. Do you think they are directly linked to abuse in the relationship? Or do you think he is being viciously 'protected'?

[BurningBright]

I think his physical and mental health issues are probably linked directly to the fact that he is now isolated from his family and friends. He was incredibly close to both his parents, especially my aunt, and his brother was his closest friend.

I also suspect that the pressure put on him by his wife to conform to her will is crushing him. He is a very gentle, sweet person. All he has ever wanted in his personal life was to emulate the very loving and strong relationship of his parents. But instead he is having to subjugate himself to the will of this terribly manipulative and, to be honest, quite damaged young woman. It's almost ironic that the very relationship he wants to emulate is perceived by his spouse as a huge threat.

As far as we can tell, his wife was emotionally abused as a child and continues to be emotionally abused as an adult by her mother. As so often seems to happen the pattern is repeated. Abusee becomes abuser.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

What kind of things is she expecting him to conform to?

[BurningBright]

He can't have a relationship with his own family but is expected to ask them for money (by letter, not in person).
He has more or less told his parents that he can't contact them by telephone because his wife monitors calls. And he won't make contact behind her back because that goes against the 'honesty' of their relationship.
He has been a party to some really quite horrible letters and the returning of gifts; that kind of behaviour in him has only emerged in the last couple of years.
He visits his wife's family, who live literally down the road from his own family, but stays away from his parents.
After their marriage they moved to a city because it was where his wife wanted to live as it was the best place for her to further her career. The move meant that he had to give up a job he loved.
He has changed career since they married, largely at her instigation. He sold his car because they 'only needed one'; they kept hers which she seems to have sole use of. When a family member gave him some money to buy a new vehicle the money was kept but no second car was purchased.

The list goes on...

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

And did he have much experience with relationships before getting married?

[BurningBright]

I don't think he did, to be honest, no. There was one other unhappy but not very long relationship that I'm aware of. There may have been others, but nothing really serious.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

That would kind of fit. If I had to guess I'd also estimate that he didn't leave the family home until relatively late and that his siblings are either settled with families and/or materially successful. None of which means the poor man deserves to be bullied but if he's been rather sheltered & met her when he was fresh out of an unhappy relationship, confidence down, feeling a bit of a failure etc then he'd be ripe for an abuser with a bit of a gold-digging agenda.

So another idea.... if your aunt, uncle and other family members stopped handing over cash, she might drop him as being no more use to her.

[BurningBright]

You are spot on. He lived away from his parents for a while, but moved back and then moved out again when he moved in with his wife when they were still boyfriend/girlfriend, so in his late twenties. And yes, siblings happily settled with families.

From what I understand, gifts of money will not be given any more. Although of course that will be turned around as another example of how his parents don't really care about him...