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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Just found out the guy I'm dating is only 19???

31 replies

positively9something · 08/04/2014 07:26

I have been dating a guy for over two months, he told me he is 22. I am 28 nearly 29 after looking on Facebook I have come to the conclusion he is only 19!!! I feel like such an idiot I can't date someone 10 years younger than me! I feel like a cradle snatcher

OP posts:

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LaurieFairyCake · 08/04/2014 07:30

Yuk

I'd be even more irritated by the lie

Lj8893 · 08/04/2014 07:31

How mature/responsible is he?

My dp is 5 years younger than me and was 19 when we got together. I honestly forget about his age all the time and its never been an issue.

The issue for me in your op is that he's lied to you.

littlegreenlight1 · 08/04/2014 07:32

my sister has been in a relationship with a guy ten years younger than her for a couple of years. they were 20/30 when they started. I don't know what to tell you.... they are still together, not without issues, she has been known to get upset after a few drinks about him finding a younger model ( he has never shown any interest) and about him staying out late ( what do you expect at 20?) but generally they are very in love and lovely ( bit sickening actually!) .... they will have children issues though... she thought she'd finished doing that, he's not ready yet but wants kids one day, 30s.... but of course waiting another 8 years, she'll have two adult children and doesn't want to start again....yikes!

OneToThree · 08/04/2014 07:34

When I was 26 I met someone who was 19. I thought no way could this have a future but we've been together 14 years, married 9 and 3 kids.

The only issue I think is the lying. Maybe he likes you that much he didn't think he stood a chance if you knew his real age. Do you think he's lied about anything else?

positively9something · 08/04/2014 07:55

I have no idea if he has lied about anything else, I really feel embarrassed that I got involved with him.

I find it very hard to trust anyone and the first guy I've given a chance to has lied.

I only found this out through Facebook and I havnt mentioned it to him or asked him, I'm not sure if I will or if I will just stop contact.

Maybe a 10 year gap is ok for some people and I think it depends on when you meet, but as he is only 19 that's way too young for me. That means he is only 13 years older than my dd.

I'm a woman with a child and everything, he lives at home with his parents and is 19! I don't feel that is a good basis for a relationship and he had lied to me for over two months now.

OP posts:

BobaFetaCheese · 08/04/2014 07:57

The age gap doesn't bother me (20 when I got with 31yr old DH) but the lying is wrong.

Sorry you feel embarrassed but it's all on him.

littlegreenlight1 · 08/04/2014 07:59

my sister's bf is only 10 years older than her son. in fact I'm sure they've worked it out that he's closer to her son's age than hers.

he lied because he was interested and thought you wouldn't be if you knew his age. he was right, so yeah, probably not going to work!

middleeasternpromise · 08/04/2014 08:04

Tell him you know, if you are going to end it at least let all the heart ache be put to good use in teaching him what lying does to relationships. If you just cut contact he is left to guess and may assume he knows the reasons why and get it badly wrong. sometimes people don't start out to lie but get into situations they struggle to get out of.

heymatilda · 08/04/2014 08:06

I used to teach 19 year olds GCSE retakes and their immaturity would put me off dating one! I was only 24 and I would overhear them discussing how they could pull older women like me and other young teachers! They were so sleazy, yuk.

Just think about what he's saying to his friends about you and imagine yourself in 10 years, almost 40 and dating someone in their 20s.

oldwomaninashoe · 08/04/2014 08:12

My son at 32 is married to a 44 year old, its not an issue for them and they appear happy.
I met my DH when he was 19 I was 24 we have been married 30 + years.
He was probably embarassed to tell you how old he was in case you ran a mile. So you thought he was 22, really if he seemed 22 whats the problem if he is really 19? I suppose the problem is that he wasn't honest, but lets face it from what you've said above it is the age difference you are worried about more than the honesty issue.

If the relationship has been okay up to now why should it be a problem once you've given him a chance to come clean!

Quitelikely · 08/04/2014 08:16

I think you're edging towards dumping him. Trust your instinct. He's still a toddler in man years!

KathrynJaneway · 08/04/2014 08:26

Bit of an ego boost for you though!! But he doesn't sound like long term material.

lazypepper · 08/04/2014 08:31

My DM met her husband when he was about that age. She is 9 years older than him.

They have been married 35 years.

However, she knew his age from the start - there were no lies.

The lying would be the issue for me, not the age.

maleview70 · 08/04/2014 08:31

If you were 40 and he were 31 I would say it's fine as he by that age will know what he wants and will have grown up.

At 19 I'm not so sure it will be any more than a fling which I that is what you want then go for it.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 08/04/2014 08:36

I was 19 and my ExDP was 28 when we got together. However there was no lying involved in that. We both knew how old the other was.

HecatePropylaea · 08/04/2014 08:45

I married someone close to 10 years older than me.

I was just turned 24 and he was nearly 34. It's been 16 years now and the sense of an age gap just keeps shrinking and shrinking. iyswim.

I think that it matters more the younger you are. 16 and 26, for example, would be really a problem! It even sounds really wrong, doesn't it? 60 and 70? Sounds no big deal at all. so it's clearly more than numbers. It's about the age of the youngest person. So more about life experience? maturity? ability to be in a relationship?

I am, of course speaking generally because I know that on an individual level there's all manner of different circumstances and relationships. But if we talk trends, statistics, overall pictures... the younger people are when there's a big age gap, the more it causes problems because they have a lot of growing up to do and that means that they change a lot. It is being at different stages in life that causes problems imo.

I would rather be with a man a decade older than I am than a decade younger because I feel I have more in common with older men than younger ones. Back then I'd done all the clubbing, pubbing, etc and I really didn't want to be with blokes who wanted to drive round in their cars all evening and who acted like a bunch of school boys. Which was my other choice at the time, based on what was available to me :D

If you feel that you have a lot in common with him and you like him and you were willing to be with him when you thought he was 22 then what difference does 3 years make? He clearly isn't too immature for you or you wouldn't have liked him when you thought he was 22 and living at home with his parents.

That said, I agree that the lying is the problem here. That does show immaturity. You can't trust someone who lies about such basic, fundamental stuff.

Did he want to be in a relationship with you or was he really just enjoying the here and now, iyswim?

positively9something · 08/04/2014 09:30

Thank you all for the replies.

When I thought he was 22 I still had a n issue with the age gap, also I agree that it's not the 10 year age gap it's more about the age of the youngest person ie the 19 year old in this case.

While spending time with him I enjoyed his company, he didn't seem extremely immature but did seem to have less life experience and say some very 'young' things.

He has been the sweetest guy I've been involved with for years but he lied. I understand why he lied but he still lied and I don't want to be involved with a 19 year old liar

OP posts:

JaceyBee · 08/04/2014 09:50

I have a few fuck buddies that are 10 years younger than me at 25/26. They're awesome but I don't know that I would have a proper relationship with one of them, just very different life stages. Also I'd still say 19 is totally different again, I wouldn't imagine I would have a lot to talk about with a 19 year old.

But it's not like you're breaking the law or anything, if you're happy with it it's no-one else's business really!

maleview70 · 08/04/2014 10:09

I don't want to be involved with a 19 year old liar..........you have answered your own question then. End it and move on.

ajmc67 · 08/04/2014 15:47

Yes, he lied, but probably because he knew what your reaction would be. You obviously have a big problem with his age. It's a shame because you might have been very well suited but you are cutting him off and judging him purely on his age. It's hardly an age gap at all, and what is so wrong with 19?
I'm 46 and my bf is coming up 24, we've been together 5 years since he was 19 and live together. My oldest son is 22. It's not a problem for us, only for judgmental people who see fit to sneer at other peoples lives but who know little or nothing about the people involved. There still appears to be such a stigma in age gap relationships, particularly when the woman is older and people think its ok to put down and mock the people involved which would simply not be tolerated for any other minority type relationships.

buffythebarbieslayer · 08/04/2014 17:08

He must be rubbish in bed, they are at that age usually.

BitOutOfPractice · 08/04/2014 17:11

My DP lied about his age. We met online dating and he had just turned 50 but he put his age as 49 as he knew that many women had 50 as an arbitary cut off.

He told me on our first date though

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Monetbyhimself · 08/04/2014 17:19

His age is irrelevant. The fact that he's a lying little toad is.

positively9something · 08/04/2014 17:56

Buffy - unfortunately he isn't rubbish in bed, I really enjoyed the sex he had the stamina to go on for hours at a time! It would be easier if he was rubbish!

OP posts:

Lj8893 · 08/04/2014 18:00

Slept with alot of 19 year olds then buffy?

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