A long story, but I'll try to keep it short x
Grew up in happy family but always felt like I wasn't good enough, had friends at school/ college.
Was in an abusive relationship from 17-20, I loved him deeply but he had serious family problems which caused anger issues.
Met ex at 21 my mother died shortly after, I took coke to cope, affected me deeply, felt like I had let her down etc. My father who I adored died a year later so I had lost both my parents by 23.
Around the time I met my ex a lot of friends went off to uni etc while I stayed in London, I spent all my time with my ex and never really grew out of that. I adored him and we created a bubble where we only needed each other, he wasn't controlling it's just the way he and I were.
Over the last ten years I've gained weight probably about four/five stone , if I'm honest I use food to medicate, I don't binge, but eating soothes me if I am stressed I eat.
Professionally I've done well but my job is demanding I travel a lot and tend to move organisation quite frequently so I don't build those long term work friendships that most people have. At work I'm confident bubbly funny and people assume that I've got lots of friends, but the truth is I don't, I don't have one true friend.
Ex left me for ow two years ago, ( together nearly 17 years) treated me badly, I was devastated ended up on ads, over the last year he has tried to become friends although now he is saying he wants to come home, although I don't think I could ever trust him again. And I'm not sure whether he wants to come back for the right reasons.
The problem I have is that I am so lonely, really really lonely, I have no friends except my ex, and one ex colleague who lives in Birmingham so really we just talk on the phone now and again. It's been two years.
I've recently finished a project and I've been at home for the last month ( not unusual between jobs) and I literally have not socially seen one person except my ex for a couple of hours and my ex colleague I met up with today in London.
I walked in the house this evening and I just felt so lonely I am so tired of doing everything on my own being in my own all the time. Or just having superficial conversations. Even meeting with my ex colleague today all she talked about was herself she hardly asked how I was, I miss that person who cares about me, I just feel so alone in the world so sad and so lonely.
I haven't started dating etc because I don't think anyone would ever fancy me and I haven't got the engery or strength to be rejected and dumped again, I honestly don't feel love is for me now, I'm 38 and all I can see my my life alone.
I just feel like my life is over, I don't want to be alone like this, I long for human contact ( the only thing I've had is a couple of hugs from my ex in the last two years) I just want someone to hold my hand, someone who cares how's I'm feeling.
I just feel so fucking lonely, tonight I just think what's the point. Why am I working hard when I have no one to share things with, no one to laugh with, no one to talk to who actually cares about me? I don't want a shag I want love :-(
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I'm so lonely, I have no one
12 replies
Sosolonely · 04/04/2014 00:24
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