Trigger warning sexual abuse as a child.

[Frustratedlady]

I have also posted this in mental health. As a child of 8 years old my mothers boyfriend sexually abused me in every way possible in a very violent way. He told me I was a whore who made men think unnatural things. I won't go into details as it's too triggering. Well I go on a abuse forum where people share explicit stories of the abuse they experienced.

I was reading a thread about someone who's father sexually abused them and it was so similar to what my dad used to do I realised he sexually abused me too.

I only used to see my dad a few times a year as he lives abroad but he used to take me on holiday usually to Orlando. My mum was very poor and my dad always used to spoil me with pretty clothes. When I was twelve he started buying them on the proviso that I changed in front of him. He used to follow me in the bath and wash my back and as he was doing it his hands would slide round to my breasts. He told me he was going to teach me what a masseuse should and shouldn't do. He would tell me to strip down to my knickers and hold a towel in front of me and lie down on the bed. He would then massage me rubbing the sides of my breasts and vagina and say I must never let a masseuse go that far. It stopped when I was 15.

Now what is upsetting me most is I was so badly abused as a 8 yo I must have lost my sence of sexual boundaries because I didn't know what he was doing was wrong. I thought because I was never made to do anything it was ok I also thought it was ok because he never made me touch him or have sex with him. I also believed it was fine because he was never violent. Now I am very scared my sexual boundaries are so fucked up I won't recognise abuse if it happens to my kids. I'm most upset and disgusted with myself because I never realised this was wrong I believed him when he sId he was teaching me so I wouldn't be abused.

I also stayed in a sexually abusive very violent relationship because I thought that's how you show love.

I'm so fucked up I just want to kill myself now I let my dad near my children not realising what he was thankfully I never left him alone with them. How do I reestablish my sexual boundaries and what is right and wrong?

[CailinDana]

Those two men are utter bastards who should burn in hell. None of what they did was in any way your fault. It shouldn't have happened and you in no way deserved it or invited it.

I was also abused as a child. You can get beyond it but it takes work.
The first step is counselling. Do you think you would be up for that?

[Frustratedlady]

I have a psychiatrist for mental health issues I plan on confiding this to him and asking for further therapy. I just feel so defective.

[CailinDana]

You aren't defective, you will get to see that in time. It will get better.

How did it come about that you're under the care of a psychiatrist?

[Frustratedlady]

I have bipolar.

[Smokinmirrors]

You poor, poor thing. What horrible men, how unforgiveable. Maybe one day you will find the strength to report them both.

I don't have any specific advice, though I was treated very inappropriately by my father also so understand a little of how you feel.

You are not defective, THEY are. Your sweet 8 year old self knew no better and let's face it, we believe what adults tell us is right and wrong.

Definitely talk to your MH person about these experiences and see what further help or support they can suggest for you.

You deserve to be heard, no matter how long ago the abuse happened. You deserve to be treated with compassion and loving care. And to be believed, understood and helped to process these things.

Keep posting on the forums as I have found various forums very helpful.

Hugs to your child inside and hugs to the grown-up you are today. xx

[Frustratedlady]

Thanks smokeinmirros and thank you cailin.

[CailinDana]

Ah I see. Just to warn you psychiatrists can be a bit useless when it comes to addressing past trauma like abuse, they tend to focus on meds and what's happening in the present. You can ask for an NHS referral for counselling but that tends to be inadequate, best to seek out your own counselling generally.

Have you got anyone in RL to talk to about this?

[Frustratedlady]

My husband knows about the first incident of abuse and he knows I was in a sexually abusive relationship. But I'm scared to tell him about my dad because I'm scared he will be angry I let him near the children. But I honestly didn't know.

[mansize]

I don't have any advice as this is still very raw for me, but I just wanted to say that I didn't realise what happened to me in my childhood was sexual abuse until I phoned a helpline and asked them. The answer was a resounding yes.

This was only a few years ago. It was as if there was a block in place, keeping me from seeing it for what it was. I still struggle to accept it was wrong, even though I know inside that it was.

You are not to blame. Your husband will not blame you or be angry with you.

[Frustratedlady]

Thank you mansize I'm sorry you also suffered abuse. I'm sorry you all suffered abuse.

[CailinDana]

What was your DH's reaction when you told him about the other abuse?

[Frustratedlady]

My dh is very understanding.