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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

So he's engaged

13 replies

LadyofDunedin · 30/03/2014 19:27

Posted many times before about the emotional and eventually physical abuser - lowest of the low. Yet I loved him like mad - crazy.

Put me through hell, time end time again, humiliated and undermined me - and eventually caused the showdown to end all showdowns and humiliated me in front of my family a year past Christmas and came very close to breaking point.

However, I didn't. I mourned for the person I thought I loved for a short time , moved on, moved the hell out of the city and got an amazing promotion and new life elsewhere.

Meanwhile he got demoted (unrelated - I think !) and took a pay cut.

Today I hear , and little over than 14 months on, he's engaged to the gf he moved in very quickly after me.

Can't decide how to feel! He really looks a bit of a tit doesn't he? I feel slightly sad everytime I remember the life I thought I had and how stupid I was to keep wanting it.

I feel a bit on the shelf if am honest, just not met anyone- also scarred still maybe! Gah am rambling

OP posts:

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Pagwatch · 30/03/2014 19:33

You are not rambling andouille are not on the shelf.
You are still mourning the life thatou thought you would have before you realised that he was, in fact, a dick.
I would feel sorry for hs fiancée. She was prepared to settle for so much less than you were.poor girl.

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Pagwatch · 30/03/2014 19:33

and you

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SheerWill · 30/03/2014 19:35

Pity the poor thing that's agreed to marry this sorry excuse for a man. You got outta there in time to save your sanity and now you have a dickhead free life ahead of you. Good times!! x

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DioneTheDiabolist · 30/03/2014 19:35

OP, you are not on the shelf. It takes time to heal after an abusive relationship. The fact that you are giving yourself this time and not being in a relationship for the sake of it is a good, healthy way to be.

I commend you. And feel sorry for his current victim.

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Hedgehead · 30/03/2014 19:37

I've said this before I'll say it again (not to you, mind, so it's fresh!)

SAME SHIT, DIFFERENT PERSON

No matter how many women he gets engaged to/seduces/whatever - the abusive personality will always eventually come out. Abusers cannot help it.

Take a longterm view of this. Fine, right now you feel scarred, upset, can't believe what is happening, but in 2 or 3 years time once she sees what he's really like, YOU will feel like the lucky one.

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LadyofDunedin · 30/03/2014 19:47

Thanks you guys , I know I need to be reminded when I feel slightly disillusioned at times.

I know myself am not interested in relationships as I am still very scared to lose control do spectacularly again. At the same time I haven't felt I've been attractive enough to anyone for them to notice me!

I've tried to be healthy and happy, and I think am doing just fine, sometimes it feels so unjust. But I got out with my sanity - just!

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MistressDeeCee · 31/03/2014 00:32

It could be worse - you could still be living a life of hell with him. You've had a lucky escape. Abusers never change, as his poor fiancee will find out when he eventuallyl shows his true face.

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LadyofDunedin · 31/03/2014 09:18

I know. Sometimes I feel like I still live it with the fear and thoughts. I worry I'll never trust or meet anyone again ... I think it's more the latter that concerns me

By the way , the proposal ; his team won significantly .. He was drunk and proposed. No ring, no class- nothing. I really did get a lucky escape, didn't i?

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cloudskitchen · 31/03/2014 09:26

You certainly did. I feel sorry for this poor girl. Lets hope she comes to her senses before she is commited to him like you did. Thank your lucky stars it's not you that's settled for some back handed drunken proposal

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/03/2014 10:41

I know exactly how you feel. My exH was a knob of the highest order but when I heard on the grapevine that he'd got children and married our OW I was irrationally annoyed. Not because I wanted to be married to him with his children, I eventually realised, but because he had successfully moved on and I hadn't. There I was, still on my Jack Joes, and it felt like a terrible injustice that he should be happy about anything ever again after all the hurt he'd caused.

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LadyofDunedin · 31/03/2014 11:35

cogito, that's exactly how I feel

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AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 31/03/2014 15:29

I think to some extent cogito has nailed that. With my STBXH, the fact that 3 months ago he was professing that he wanted to get back together and 2 months ago he decided he was going to get married to someone else (the OW), it was more the "seriously?" reaction from me. I don't want him back. I don't care if she has him. I just think his brain is out of whack tbh and I can't figure out what in the hell he's playing at, as he is jerking around everyone in his family as well as the DCs and myself. It's mostly just irritating that he can blithely trip into a new family and relationship while still treating everyone like shit.

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LadyofDunedin · 31/03/2014 19:04

Sorry to all those who have also gone through this, it's itterly confusing, hurtful, and does call for some soul searching! But they won't change, we are the lucky ones!