Mil's partner

[Rigbyroo]

Sorry, another mil thread. Just need a bit of advice really. Mil lives about 5 hours away, we stay in contact through ME facetiming her, emailing, sending pics etc.
Dd is coming up to 2 and we are due to have ds in a couple of months. When I was due to have dd, she text me to ask if her partner could be called grandpa, I asked dp what he thought, he said no way and that I should just ignore the message as he thought she was trying to wind me up. They had only been together 9 months at this point. They are since married and have been together around 3 years now and the grandpa thing is coming up again.
Dp says no but won't just tell her that. I don't think our dcs should call him grandpa because it doesn't fell like 'just a name'. They literally never ask how we are, never visit for more than a couple of hours despite the drive, just never show that they actually give a damn but then mil moans that she's missing out on so much!
Anyway, we facetimed them just now while dp is at work and she actually tried to make my dd call him grandpa, I just said, no that's .... But she carried on so I hung up. Stupid I know but I'm scared of her and don't want to argue in front of dd as mil gets rather nasty. I know it's dps job to sort this but what do we do? Sorry for super long post.

[dammitsue]

Could he be called some other name like grandpa but not...iyswim?? Gamgam? Gramps?

[Nomama]

You need to get DP to do this. Have a long chat and explain why it has to be him and not you and how much this afternoon put you on the spot.

It really isn't your fight. Good luck.

[DameFanny]

Stop putting in so much effort -maybe the problem will just drift away..?

[3boys1cat]

Is your DP's father still alive so the title of 'grandpa' is rightfully his? If not, this guy may actually be the only male grandparent on that side of the family that your chosen ever know. This happened to me, and my children know my mother's second husband by his first name rather than as grandpa, because that was how I thought of him. In retrospect it seems a bit wrong, actually.

[dammitsue]

And, why are YOU doing all the face time stuff? Let your dh, then he can stop her when she starts getting DD to call him grandpa.

[hamptoncourt]

All Together Now

You do not have a MIL problem you have a DP problem.

"DP says no but won't tell her that." Tell him to get a bloody backbone and stop contacting her yourself. Let him deal with it. This is not your problem.

[Hissy]

Good for you hanging up on her when she's not listening. Tell her that your DC have a go, and it's not her dh,otherwise ignore and keep hanging up if she wont respect your wishes.

[Hissy]

Your DC have a gp, not go. Sorry!

[Logg1e]

I thought that the hanging-up was rude. Just put it back on to your partner, "you need to speak to DP, it's his decision really".

[MaryWestmacott]

agree, you don't contact MIL until your DH has had a chat with his own mother and sorted out what he would like his children to call his stepdad . And get DH to do the contact arranging now. If your DH wants you all to have a good relationship with MIL, he can put some effort in. If he's not fussed, and while she 'talks' about being involved and mising out, it's just empty words, she doesn't actually care.

So once you've accpeted you're the only one who's putting any effort in, you can allow yourself to stop.

[Hissy]

When you are dealing with people who have not respect for others, insist on this, demand that, won't listen and are only in it themselves not the dc, then ending a call is the best way of training them.

It's the human equivalent of a rolled up newspaper.

Now, agreed, the best way forward is to NOT make the calls/contact/all the effort.