Hello, I am new to the site and 30w pregnant with my first child. I am in my late 30s and it has been a stressful pregnancy as I have some major health issues going on, in addition to ante-natal depression and high BP. This isn’t the issue though; the problem is with my mum. I am an only child and for as long as I can remember she has been controlling, critical and, at times, downright cruel. However, she can also be incredibly supportive when she wants to be, I just never know which version of her I am going to get. But it has led me to be very insecure and confused and these feelings have been magnified during my pregnancy.
Typical behaviour includes: if I say something she disagrees with she explodes with rage and rubbishes my views. This makes me feel small and worthless. She will make comments about how I do things but dress it up with a little laugh as though it was only a light-hearted comment. She tried to control my behaviour when I was younger, usually by threatening to withhold something. She is always trying to force her opinions on me as well as her Daily Mail-driven anxieties. She doesn’t trust my opinion, and will check up on things I have told her. She regularly talks over me, ignores what I am saying etc. She fusses constantly and can be incredibly overbearing. She wants to know the micro-level details of my life.
Some more concrete examples: when I was planning on getting married a few years back I wanted a small wedding and carefully planned the guest list so she would not feel ‘alone’ (my dad had died a few years previously). I included her best friend, close relatives etc. However, she didn’t like one relative who I had invited and said, “I would like to think you would consider me in all of this”. The thing is, I really had. I just hadn’t done exactly what she wanted.
When I had my family hen do, a small affair, she called me selfish when I fell ill (on-going serious condition I have had for most of adult life) and said it was ‘all about me’. She tried to drag me off the settee when I went for a lie down, blasted loud music and told all my other relatives that I was not ill but sulking. The next day, she ignored me. All my relatives did too. They believe her.
When I told her I was pregnant with a girl, her first response was ‘now you’ll know what it’s like.’ When she asked about any names we liked at about 12w I was nervous to tell her but also excited to share something positive in this stressful pregnancy over which I had some control and could be excited about. I told her one name that both dh and I really liked and she turned so nasty, telling me how awful it was. She stormed out of the room, and came rampaging back into the room spouting further vitriol. When she asked about names again last week I refused to discuss the matter with her, and apparently I am being cruel for withholding this.
I have tried repeatedly to discuss with her how these kinds of behaviours negatively impacted on me as a child, and continue to do so as an adult, but her usual responses are:
• It is just the way she is and she doesn’t mean it
• She is too old to change now
• I am being overly sensitive
• She has already apologised for it
• It (insert hurtful event) happened ages ago.
Why is she like this? I know it is not normal behaviour, and being pregnant seems to have brought into sharp focus how much of this is not the behaviour of a mum who gives a shit. But then maybe I am not being fair; she has been so good to me in many ways. She has been there emotionally and financially through previous ups and downs. Always encouraging in my education and career. Should I just put up with the other stuff? It is all so confusing. Am I just feeling this more because I am pregnant and feeling extreme emotion?
I have gone into self-protective mode and just don’t want to see her. She has got an opinion on everything pregnancy-related and most of it is negative. I don’t want to be around her. It makes my already sky-high BP go up. I dread to think what she will be like when the baby is here. So controlling, so critical of everything I do. I don’t know what to do. I have reached a point of feeling so resentful and I am starting to feel cold and detached towards her.
I am seeing a mental health team as I may need to go back on ADs and she knows I may well need practical help from others when the baby arrives due to all my other health conditions, and I think this is the kind of thing she will use to maintain her position.
What do I do in the short and long term? The more I back off the more she will get upset and portray herself as the victim. She is e-mailing and texting all the time, she knows something is up.
Thank you if you’ve managed to read this. I just don’t know how to move forward in a way that is in my and my baby’s best interests and any advice would be welcome.
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Pregnant for first time and relationship with my mum breaking down – please help.
19 replies
CaptainTookie · 24/03/2014 12:20
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