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I am the older woman

(15 Posts)
brunette123 Sun 23-Mar-14 19:36:40

I am 47 and met a guy 35 - he has never been married and has no children. He says he doesn't want children though envisages marriage at some stage. I have no kids and never been married - guess career and unwise choices led to to the years going by but am ok about it all and don't feel I missed out - thought it would happen - it didn't.
But I am concerned about the 12 year gap. He is not concerned in the least. Think perhaps he will change his mind about children though he repeatedly says he won't. Ironically I recently split up from a 60 year old man. The new man is fantastic - great lover, so kind, easy, lovely family nothing negative other than my concerns re the 12 year gap. He seems very serious about me. I do look older than him but probably only by 5 years and do alot of exercise and healthy diet so size 8-10 and toned so I do not feel concerned by that aspect.
Anyone have any advice for me please. Should I treat it as a fling? I do have strong feelings for him.
Thank you in advance.

EirikurNoromaour Sun 23-Mar-14 19:51:27

35-47 isn't an unreasonable age gap, you are both fully formed adults who know your own minds. Stop overthinking it!

FuckyNell Sun 23-Mar-14 19:53:07

Go for it!

NumanoidNancy Sun 23-Mar-14 19:56:02

Wouldn't worry about it. I'm going out with a man nearly ten years younger than me and my mate who is my age is going out with someone twenty years older than her. We think its quite bizarre that there is a thirty year age difference between our respective boyfriends but other than that it doesn't impact too much. I was married to someone six years older for a very long time but since then every man I have dated has been younger, its just a fluke though, most of the time you wouldn't really be able to tell.

chrome100 Sun 23-Mar-14 19:56:50

I'm 32 and my DP of 2 years is 23. When we met I thought he was older and he thought I was younger. By the time I discovered the horrible truth that he was only 21 I'd already fallen for him! He has never been concerned about the age gap, I was at the start (and my mother was horrified!) but it's really not an issue at all and we work well together.

NumanoidNancy Sun 23-Mar-14 19:57:17

Meant to say, the friend who introduced us is also ten years older than her husband and my sister is six years older than her husband. Its probably more common than you think!

Liara Sun 23-Mar-14 19:58:56

I really don't see the problem - what exactly are you so worried about?

Did you feel the age gap was an issue in your last relationship?

Lweji Sun 23-Mar-14 20:00:50

If he is sufficiently mature and loves you and treats you well, just go for it.

brunette123 Sun 23-Mar-14 20:05:06

I guess I (sadly) think more usual for large age gaps to be when guy is older. Age gap in previous relationship was not an issue at the start as felt he made an effort and was fun but as time went on he only wanted to go to garden centres, booze, watch tv especially sport and talk about tax and pensions or to criticise me. And sex with a 60 year old boozer is hard work on the fortnightly occasion that there was a gap in the tv schedule. Lasted 3 years - I should have ended it sooner as became like this within the first year and was unhappy for a long time. New guy perfect just me worrying about gap.

sisterofmercy Sun 23-Mar-14 20:10:46

If your genders were reversed no-one, including you, would ask this question. I wonder how older men manage the age difference...

I guess you have no way of knowing how his views may or may not change about children but you can only live for the moment as neither of you know what will happen to you both in the future.

Dahlen Sun 23-Mar-14 20:16:27

It's wrong, but there is added pressure when the woman is the elder in an age-gap relationship. For all our improvements in gender equality, there are still many ways in which men and women are judged completely differently for doing exactly the same things. This is one of them.

A lot depends on how much you feel affected by the views of others. If you are the sort of person who can shrug them off, go for it. The more people who challenge these outdated sexist views, the better.

If you're not, you may as well admit it and call it off now. That would be a shame for you and your potential partner, but we are all affected by social conditioning to some degree, and if you can't change your reaction you almost certainly will be forced apart by this issue whenever something occurs in your relationship that could be argued to be age related.

Honesty (with yourself) is really the best policy here. There is no shame in being in either camp, you are what you are. But you will save yourself a lot of heartache if you can accurately work out where you fall.

SplitHeadGirl Sun 23-Mar-14 20:18:14

I am 11 years older than my husband...we have been together years and are very happy, with three children together. He is definitely more immature than me, but we connected when we met, got to really know each other, and every day our relationship grows and develops...since we met, I haven't LOOKED at another man, and I know he is the same. He always says no other women interest him now we have each other.

Honestly, go for it!!! Before my wonderful husband, I only dated men my own age or older - how silly was I?? They were grumpy or boring or just wrong somehow. My husband is energetic, fun, ambitious, caring, loving....don't miss out on something that could be awesome!

Meerka Sun 23-Mar-14 21:30:09

12 years older than my husband here. I avoided a relationship with him for quite some time because of it, though we were good friends.

In the end it's worked out well.

If you were both 15 years younger I'd say be careful because of the experience gap. As it is, both of you have had time to get to know your own minds and what you want and don't want.

For some reason I find myself wanting to say 'as long as you're sure he's genuine' ... with that proviso, if you get on as well as you say and if you really do love each other, go for it! it'd be silly to miss out on a lovely man jsut cause of some years between you.

TheVictorian Sun 23-Mar-14 21:39:35

I would see how it goes and enjoy each other's company and desires with each other.

brunette123 Mon 24-Mar-14 05:35:13

thank you everyone for your advice - I do at least want to give it a try. I am starting to feel happy again and it is so lovely to be desired again. Thanks

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