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New to dating - please help?

11 replies

muchtooshy · 23/03/2014 07:01

After a month of seeing someone 1 to 3 times a week would you expect it to be getting serious? I wasn't and it doesn't seem like a long time in real terms but feels like we have known each other for ages. We haven't had the exclusive chat but he calls me his girlfriend and I have met his friends a couple of times.

I haven't dated a real lot or had many serious relationships so I don't have much to compare too.

We tend to go to his place as it is easier for both of us. After I had stayed over 1nce he said I could leave some stuff there to save me carting it about. He has now said I can take some stuff (décor stuff) if I want to make myself feel at home. His house is like a show home though all minimalist and cream.

Maybe I am just not cut out to be in a relationship so I am looking for problems. He seems serious about it and the future. I just don't know why he likes me and just expect him to go off me. When we are together it is really good and I like him a lot I am worried about getting hurt though so am trying to hold back.

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akaWisey · 23/03/2014 07:20

It's very early on for him to be inviting you to mark your territory in his house - a toothbrush yes, but decor?

It's a month. Take it easy, you don't know him yet.

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BitOutOfPractice · 23/03/2014 08:21

Exactly that. After a year I have a toothbrush and a few toiletries at my BF's place. He has the same here. I think he might be rushing a bit but in the heady few weeks it's hard to see the wood for the trees isn't it?

Tell him yiy like him but he needs to change down a gear. Now is not the time to talk futures.

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muchtooshy · 23/03/2014 09:22

I think part of it is that we don't live in the same town so I stay over when we go out so it is kinda practical not to be dragging shampoo and stuff about.

I like him a lot but I am just wary after hearing so many dating horror stories. It has been a month but I have met his mother and sister and some of his friends and he has met my parents briefly.

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BitOutOfPractice · 23/03/2014 09:24

Shampoo yes. Decor no.

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RichardLawton · 23/03/2014 09:38

In my view there's little point in trying to take an objective view. It's all a matter of personal needs: either something works for us or it doesn't. If our needs don't match the other person's then try to negotiate a middle ground. If that doesn't work, walk away.

He may be serious, he may be a fruitcake. If he's serious and you hold back, you may wreck something potentially good. If you don't hold back and he's a fruitcake, you may get hurt. Such is life. All you can do is make the decision that feels best for you - and accept the consequences. Life carries no guarantees.

Good luck!

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oldfashionedgirl · 23/03/2014 12:40

Maybe just talk to him and see how he reacts. If he puts pressure on you if you say you want to slow down then reassess.

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MiniTheMinx · 23/03/2014 13:03

Just go with the flow an enjoy it but keep one eye on the door. I wouldn't worry, he is the one making himself vulnerable. I'm sure you can manage to appear to be moving at the same pace and still hold back just as much of yourself as you need to whilst you assess him up close! good luck.

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muchtooshy · 23/03/2014 18:07

That is kinda the problem. If he is serious then I might wreck it because I am worried.

Do you think he is making himself vulnerable?

He said he is planning on repainting the bedroom and asked if I have a colour preference.

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RichardLawton · 24/03/2014 05:33

Talk to him! Maybe say something like this:

You like him a lot and appreciate his trying to make you feel at home at his place, but this it seems to be going fast and it feels a bit like moving in together. You're scared of being hurt and are not ready for that kind of commitment. So could he please be understanding and don't do too much to make you feel pressured.

Yes, he's making himself vulnerable. In effect he's offering to make his home yours too.

There's no knowing his motivations - that's up to you to work out.

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kentishgirl · 24/03/2014 10:53

OH was a speedy one as well and got me a bit anxious at this stage. I talked to him, he slowed down a fair bit, I decided not to hold back out of fear, and it all worked out.

You are risking getting hurt. that can be hard and it takes a bit of time to build up trust. He is also risking getting hurt and is a bit braver than you. But that still leaves the responsibility for his feelings - and maybe getting hurt by jumping in at this early stage - with him. Worry about your own feelings for now, let him worry about his.

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muchtooshy · 25/03/2014 18:57

I don't want to hold back and ruin it. I do really like him in a way I never have anyone else. Trust is so hard but it isn't like I have been hurt before I just haven't been in a serious relationship and don't know how they normally progress.

He said he loved me but I don't know if I am doubting that because I don't feel like I am lovable.