Told DS about separation

[Bigviking]

Hi

Told our DS this morning that we're separating. Tried to make it sound a mutual decision (although it was actually mine).

DS has just come up and told me it's my fault and that daddy wants to be with me. I've just tried to explain that I was young when I got together with daddy and that we've both changed over the years and don't have as much in common anymore and don't make each other happy. I tried to relate it to his friends, he's friends with people he has stuff in common with, like football, etc. He seemed to get that but then said me and his dad have loads in common, like we are both in our thirties and have brown hair! I don't know if DH been saying anything or if DS is working it out for himself because his dad's upset. I told him that although I'm not crying I'm upset too, and it's ok for him to cry because it is sad for everyone but we'll all be ok. I said that daddy's got lots of family and friends to look after him but he just said but he won't have you. I said I'm still daddy's friend and I'll always be there for him.

Is this a typical reaction, to take sides? Do I need to speak to DH and ask him to hold it together? I really really feel for him but this is no good for DS. I would prefer it this way than the other way around (that would kill DH), but I'm worried my own relationship with DS will be damaged so much.

Anyone have any experience to share?

[Minime85]

hi Op. so sorry you are going through this. it was my stbexh who instigated our split. but we too told our DDS it was a joint decision that we both still lobed the. that we wanted to be friends but if we kept living together we would not be able to be friends.

I too have faced the blame from youngest dd and have had things like why can't you let daddy come back here? why don't you love daddy anymore etc..

its so hard. so hard. stick to what you've said. if u can talk to your dh then he needs to be on that side too for your Ds. it all needs to be about him.

it does improve. I had daily tears and questions for about two months. now there aren't tears although sometimes still questions from youngest who is 6.

thinking of you. its so hard whoever makes the decision. of course you will be sad too. I won't forgive my ex for what he did but I know it broke him to do it and say he needed to leave.

[Nomama]

Talk to the man and tell him not to take it out on DS. Try and get that into his head now, at the beginning. Getting at you is not worth your son's happiness.

Tell him....

[Bigviking]

Thanks minime, and for your advice on my previous thread. It's really helpful to hear of your experience.

Nomama, you're right. DH needs to tell DS he's going to be ok. DS says his dad will be lonely on his own. We're going to do 50:50 child care so I'll be on my own half the week too. DH is from the area we live in and has a huge family and loads of friends. He's devastated now but has a great support network. My family live 250 miles away, my mum died 18 months ago, and I only have a handful of good friends here.

Not expecting sympathy from DS or DH but really his dad will be ok! I think DS is going to want to go with his dad because he feels bad for him. They're close anyway, but he's close to me too. I'm just worried he's going to end up hating me.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

How old is your DS? I think you have to close down the arguments and stop discussing it. He sounds like a bright kid and he'll keep coming up with reasons why you should stay together otherwise. Don't go into ideas like love, having things in common or falling out or whatever because - as you've discovered - he's treating them as negotiation opportunities. 'It's an adult decision that we've made between us. It's very sad but it's not going to change'... and similar.

[innisglas]

Sorry I can't offer good advice, but as the daughter of separated parents, when I reached the age of sixteen I was ever so glad that my parents had separated, they were so totally incompatible.

[Handywoman]

cogito has it right, the kindest thing is to make it clear that the decision has already been made by adults and that it can't be changed. If you explain it in ways he can relate to he will simply come up with 'solutions'. I know this is counter-intuitive because we are used to taking time to listen to our children and explain things in ways they can understand. But presenting it more as a fait accompli will help him to come to terms with it sooner. [hugs] when I told dd1 my heart broke into tiny pieces. Look after yourself.

[Bigviking]

Thanks for the input. When we initially told him it was presented as a joint decision, although I did the talking. When DS challenged it I did explain it was an adult decision and couldn't be changed.

However, he then spend the afternoon with his dad at football and I don't know what, if anything, has been said. But it seems clear now that DS knows that the split is at my instigation. He asked why I don't like daddy anymore. I said I do, he said well why are you dumping him then.

He just kept saying he wanted to understand why. Maybe it was silly of me to try to explain as I think cog's right - he's challenging everything and coming up with solutions.

The problem is my husband isn't saying much at all. Just looking sad and giving cuddles. I need him to explain to DS that he'll be ok. DS is 8.5 BTW.

[Minime85]

it could be that he is saying it to his dad too?

time will help and in a funny way when split actually happens so he can then see you both are OK. you both still love him and will be there for him.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

BTW If DS is only 8yo, his views on which parent he wants to live with will not be taken into account.