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DH on dating site

(22 Posts)
Queazy Sat 22-Mar-14 04:10:18

That's it really. I found my DH had set up a dating profile online and had messaged some women using his middle name as an alias. He said nothing happened and he was just looking on the site as an old colleague set it up. We have a 6mo DD. She's so little and the last 6mo have been tough on both of us but I feel so betrayed. I can't seem to put it behind me, even tho he says nothing happened.

I.cant believe I'm actually posting this. I just can't tell my friends.

ThePost Sat 22-Mar-14 04:18:59

He was planning to meet other women for sex, if he has not done so already. I wouldn't be able "to put that behind me" either. All that actually means is that he's sorry he got caught out (not sorry that he did it) and he doesn't want you to give him a hard time or make him feel bad. Fuck that.
I would tell your friends - carrying this on your own is unfair and too much. I'm sorry to say this, though, I really would suggest that you get checked out for STIs.

Charlie97 Sat 22-Mar-14 06:10:30

First (((((hugs))))), you don't have to move on, him saying he hadn't 'done' anything may or may not be true.

On a practical note, as PP said STI check needed.

Then, how do you feel, do you want time alone? Remember your DD is too young to remember! if you want your OH to move out for a while, then ask him to do so?

And sorry to say, "he was looking at a mates website", so why ve messaging someone.....doesn't ring true.

Good luck xx

chrome100 Sat 22-Mar-14 06:15:39

I'm sorry to hear that. How did you find out?

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Sat 22-Mar-14 07:31:01

He did this when you gave birth to his DD 6 months ago? This would be the end for me Queazy and down the road everyone would know why too. What a bastard to do this to you! How many times do men collectively say, 'I haven't done anything' or 'I was only looking', it's all bollocks and they are investing time and effort in this type of shit when they should be investing in something far closer to home.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 22-Mar-14 07:43:49

I think you should ask him to step out of the family while you get your head together and take some advice. Currently he's running the show, probably lying and all the time gambling that you'll give him the benefit of the doubt because you have a baby and because you don't want to believe he's a cheating shit. You don't have to tell your friends the grisly details, choose one person you can talk to in confidence and tell them you're having a few problems.

Sorry you're in this situation

LastOneDancing Sat 22-Mar-14 07:44:33

If one of my friends had set up a dating site, I'd have said to my DH 'look at this site our friend set up! Isn't it good/ rubbish/ whatever'.

I wouldn't in a million years set up a profile and send a random person messages. That's not not looking, that's using.

He's lying and he's not even sorry or apologetic. Don't let him twist this Queazy - I'm sorry this has happened.

Queazy Sat 22-Mar-14 08:20:18

I started up his laptop - it had run out if battery so was still logged in as him. When I went to Internet the history was there and ironically the password on the site was saved. I just had to click in to see it. I don't have any money and not close to my family. I just want to ignore it but waking up thinking about it. I don't think he loves me.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 22-Mar-14 08:25:34

You cannot ignore or bury this; you already know. He needs to leave the marital home and you need space and time apart. I would also use that time to seek legal advice.

Tell a trusted friend, do not carry this on your own. It is not your fault this has happened, the blame is all his here. He has made conscious choices throughout.

Queazy Sat 22-Mar-14 08:31:10

The women hadn't replied to his messages though and he promises nothing happened. I know this sounds ridiculous but I'm too scared to ask him to leave. I don't think I can look after our DD on my own - I've been teetering on PND during the last 6m and I know it sounds weak (not normally like this) but I feel weak right now.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 22-Mar-14 08:39:29

Please seek medical advice for your possible PND asap; no one will think you are weak (the only weak person here is your man) or think badly of you for doing this. You can get better; PND is treatable. His actions have certainly not helped matters, no wonder you are feeling so awful. No one forced him to use his middle name as an alias to visit the dating site and set up a profile on it; all his actions showed intent. How dare he tell you as well that nothing happened?!.

Queazy Sat 22-Mar-14 08:42:30

I know - I need to speak to him again about it this morning. You're right - I really can't brush this under the carpet.

Queazy Sat 22-Mar-14 08:43:09

p.s. And thank you. I really appreciate your support.

Jellymum1 Sat 22-Mar-14 08:49:42

What kind of dad is he so far quezy? So sorry your going through this. I hope you can get some support. Don't feel weak for seeking help its really important to be well for you and your baby xxx

Queazy Sat 22-Mar-14 08:52:18

He's a good dad - I know he's a bastard for doing this to me but he really loves our DD sad

Christmascandles Sat 22-Mar-14 08:55:46

Hello OP I am just on my way out but wanted to reply quickly to you.

When you speak to him he will delete the evidence deny anything happened and then minimise what has actually happened. He will only admit to what he thinks he can get away with.

What is the email address that the dating site is linked to? They usually start my messaging on the site then move to msn or yahoo to IM. Look in his normal email address. If nothing there then try his middle name as an email addy etc. he has to register an email address to sign up for the dating site.

When you ask him there will be silence. Don't be tempted to fill this silence. Wait for him to talk.

He may well have signed up for other sites, marital affairs, plenty more naughty fish, shag book etc.

This is not your fault. He may try and turn it around and say that it's because you've not wanted sex etc. this is bollocks.

You can come back from this but he must be honest about what has happened and truly sorry.

Check bank statements for a subscription to global personals. Or anything else that you don't recognise.

So sorry you're going through this. Will check back on you later thanks

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 22-Mar-14 08:57:47

Sorry but he is not a good dad to your child at all if he is treating you, his wife, like this. He has shown no remorse for his actions whatsoever. Also women tend to write the "he's a good dad" comment when they themselves can think of nothing positive to write about their man.

LastOneDancing Sat 22-Mar-14 09:01:44

Thing is, he must know one possible consequence of being a cheat (or trying to) - he loses his family - yet he still tried to get in contact with someone else. Thats not being a good dad, its being a selfish twat and betraying both of you.

Nobody will judge you for not leaving though, you must do whats right for you. But I would start putting a plan B in place for you and DD.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Sat 22-Mar-14 09:56:08

Please do not just sit on this, it'll only make the PND worse, I know, I had PND through my exes emotional affair, it made things so much worse.

You can look after your DD alone, I never thought I could, but I've been a single mum now for 5 years and my DD is a great kid.

You dont have accept shitty treatment, you can demand better, and you should.

RedRoom Sat 22-Mar-14 17:46:19

It doesn't matter that nothing happened- the intention was there. You don't spend time registering on dating sites and creating a profile unless you are seriously interested in meeting people in a romantic or sexual capacity. Joining a dating site is a crystal clear sign that your bloke is actively up for meeting other women behind your back and, especially given that you have a baby, it is disgusting. I've been here myself, so I know exactly how you feel. Nothing has happened, but that doesn't negate the fact that he wanted them to. You need to have a really, really good chat. I expect he'll blame a lack of intimacy or 'couple's time' with you since the birth, but that is really no excuse at all.

MistressDeeCee Sat 22-Mar-14 20:43:18

Sorry to hear you are going through this, OP.

Not much to add to the good advice other posters have given, except to say - being a good dad & loving his daughter won't 'carry' your relationship with your husband. Even if you think it will. Its not enough, by far. I hope you keep this in mind.

Logg1e Sat 22-Mar-14 20:48:47

He can continue being a good father even if he's not in a relationship with you. Could you ask your GP what help is available? Please don't teeter on the edge of depression - nip it in the bud.

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