Now what?

[margerlyfargerly]

First time poster. Don't know where to start as i feel a whirlwind of emotions - mainly anger of late as a coping mechanism but also quite detached too.

Been with DH for 15 years - got 2 children ages 10 & 6. Always had an up & down relaionship from the start. When we first met I adored the ground he walked on & consequently made a rod for my own back by pandering to his every need. I have grown a backbone for a while though.

Over the years, I have come to resent his misogynistic views (ie - it's always the woman's fault if their partner strays) & his screwed up approach to money (ie - women who don't work aren't contributing to relationship). I have always worked & put almost the same amount as him in joint account each month despite the fact that he earns double what I do. But no matter what I do it isn't good enough.

He also has no interest in socialising with my friends so i always see them alone. Our relationship revolves around his friends or more to the point him spending most of his time drinking with his friends while i am at home with kids.

I have also resented the fact that he seems to take great pleasure in refusing to wear his wedding ring & forming chummy friendships with other women & telling me i am jealous. I honestly don't think he is physically disloyal - just constantly looking to have his ego stroked.

I have felt so low over the years. Everyone thinks he is mr nice guy & the go to man. However, he is like jekyll & hyde around me. One minute child like & loving & the next verbally abusing me in front of the kids or his friends & saying i suck the life out of him.

I find it hard talking to him as he is so confrontational & angry & says everything is my fault. He makes me feel as though i have to accept that for our marriage to work it had to be on his terms else i am being controlling & selfish.

Had a row tonight over something petty but as usual it always escalates & goes over old unresolved ground.

I really don't know how i feel anymore. In the past i used to be devastated when we rowed but now i feel detached & won't accept that evrrything is my fault.

No idea what to do - apologies for rambling

[Gretagumbo]

He sounds awful. Make some plans x

[Lweji]

It sounds like you're on your way out...

Get legal and financial advice before you act.

[Driveway]

Can you read that back and see that there is nothing keeping you with this man? No positives?

[margerlyfargerly]

I guess i am just afraid of the future. When he is being nice, I know I am waiting for it to go sour again. The kids are picking up on the vibe (how can they miss it when he tells me i am mental in front of them) but i keep telling myself that all marriages have ups & downs & maybe i am to blame. But it happens all the time now & i honestly cope by keeping him at arms length

[Beamur]

It sounds like you are already beginning to distance yourself emotionally. All relationships do have ups and downs, but your relationship sounds quite empty of the ups.

[Lweji]

I think when you make your plan, the future will look easier.
It's certainly easier to live without emotional abuse at home. Trust me. :)

[RandomMess]

Sounds absolutely awful tbh, I'm afraid I too think you need to end the marriage.

[margerlyfargerly]

Thanks everyone. I think i know in my heart of hearts that out relationship has run its course but it's just making the final step. He seems to want me to be the 'bad guy' & finish it. I said to him tonight that if i was so awful why didn't he leave me then? He just said he loves me & then continues ranting at me. What concerns me is that my son copies his behaviour & idolises him

[Lweji]

Children in abusive homes often copy or try to get on the good side of the abuser. It's a coping mechanism.

I suspect when he's out of the picture, your son will change too.

Get out before it becomes ingrained in him.

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

This is more than the usual ups and downs of marriage. He sounds horrible, has no respect for you. Takes pleasure in trying to make you jealous and shows awful behaviour to you and in front of your children.

It's not a marriage you should be in.

[Lweji]

It doesn't matter if you're seen as the bad guy. He I'd abusing you. And your son, effectively. You should walk out.
People will have noticed how he talks to you, if he does it in front of them. They will be telling you you did the right thing.