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OH secretly drinking

(6 Posts)
Namechanged27 Wed 19-Mar-14 18:44:58

I don't know what to do. I have been with my OH 15 years and love him very much. In many ways he is a kind, thoughtful and amazing OH.

A few Christmases ago I discovered my OH was drinking a lot - mainly because the recycling wasn't collected for a couple of weeks and the amount of beer cans in there was ridiculous. I asked him to cut down (we were trying for a baby) and he agreed.

Since then on numerous occasions I've found empty bottles hidden around the house, including one time when I found a bin bag carrier full of them hidden in the shed.

On all the occasions he pretends they've been there for ages/feigns surprise/blames me for being controlling/says he only has one or two.

About a year ago we had a real heart to heart about it. I explained his lying and sneaking around was breaking my trust in him. Since then all seemed ok, he only drank on weekends and I didn't find any empties.

A couple of months ago we discovered I was pregnant, after years of trying. We are both delighted.

However last night I found hidden bottles again - in his work laptop bag, behind books on the bookcase and on top of the fridge.

I'm so angry I can't bear to even look at him. I'm sat upstairs whilst he is downstairs because I can't bring myself to be near him. I feel like there's nothing to say to him I haven't said before. This is supposed to be a happy time and now I'm worried and anxious again because I don't understand why he is doing this or how much he is drinking.

Sorry for long post. I don't know what I expect to get out of this thread but I just don't know what to do.

Namechanged27 Wed 19-Mar-14 18:46:51

Other than beer I also suspect he has been drinking whiskey. We only get it in when my dad comes round but the contents seem to go down mysteriously once the bottle is open.

He told the the contents must have evaporated once. He treats me like an idiot.

ScarletStar Wed 19-Mar-14 18:53:31

Wel thee good news is that you're pregnant and therefore allowed to go apeshit. This is a stress you don't need. Ask him to seek help for his secret drinking or he'll have no future with you and his baby.

justmuddlingalongsomehow Wed 19-Mar-14 18:54:39

I would recommend you get in touch with Al Anon as you will need support in this from those who know what you are going through. It is very easy to get drawn in and try to minimise the issue - please don't. This will not change, he will not change until he wants to.

It could be that having a baby will make him see sense, for a while at least, but he needs treatment. His main relationship is and always will be with the alcohol. These are very serious warning signs... and sound so familiar to me. He needs to see his GP for a start. Your child deserves better and so do you.

Good luck. Do keep posting as there are loads of us on here who have been there. I have - I am now on my own with dcs and life is so much easier. XH is still in denial. It is very, very hard but so much easier than the lies and uncertainty that was our 'home' life before.

Aldwick Wed 19-Mar-14 19:00:23

A member of my husband's family is the same and his wife minimised it and excused it for a long time. Do get in touch with Al Anon - they have really helped her to not engage with it and to accept that she has no control over his drinking. It is still a difficult situation but it is great to see her so much stronger.

tribpot Wed 19-Mar-14 19:07:31

I'm afraid the anger will hurt only you. He prioritises his need to drink over your feelings.

He never successfully tackled his drinking, those previous times when it reduced to 'acceptable' levels. So to be quite honest, this was always going to happen. And a pregnancy would be an 'obvious' trigger for it - the additional stress, the feeling of not being the centre of your attention.

You will not be able to make him face his problem - this is the trap that Al Anon will want to free you from. You can only minimise the impact on yourself.

The fact that he has escalated to whiskey is not a good sign. I'm very sorry this happy time is being marred by this. All you can do is educate yourself on the problems of being a spouse of an alcoholic. And then decide what your bottom line is.

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