Years flying by.

[middleagecrisis]

I think I'm having a mid life crisis. When I was younger I thought by this age I'd be settled and doing family life.(40). How naive.
I suffered badly when dp cheated. I walked away with dd and swore I'd never trust another man. Years went by.I concentrated on her/us/career/house etc. Miss Independant. But I realised underneath I was lonely. So i started dating again. Daunted but enjoyed the meeting of new faces. Met some really love men who seemed keen, wanted allthe things a girl wanted to hear. But I wasn't ready to commit. Fear of being hurt stopped me. So I kept it light. Then I met HIM! We just clicked straight away. We talked for hrs. We had passion. We had similar interests but also independant interests. One problem. He lived over an hr away and problem 2. He was hurt by last relationship. So didn't want to get serious. I understood and just went along.
That was a few years ago. We have gone through so much together. dd and himself get on great. But due to work we see each other less now. He is under fierce pressure. I have been so supportive, wanting to see the end of this pressure of work to have a happy normal relationship where we can hopefully shorten the gap between us. I won't up sticks until I know for certain we have a future. But my problem is, I love him, i fear like anyhow what the future holds but i want him by my side. But he still has an attitude that marriage fails. all couples run aground and die after years. I say but we're still here and he replies yes we are. But will change the subject. I have asked him straight out is there a future and he tells me to stop worrying, at the moment work is pressure that he has to focus on. But slowly i'm dying inside. I can't keep the pretence up that I have waited around long enough. I want him but afraid i'm wasting my years. I never thought i'd find love like this again. I look at couples blissfully happy, or even argueing who didn't put out the bins and I'm jealous. They have what I want. I know work comes first. But I don't feel like a priority. He is so bad with his feelings and altough says he loves me and wants to be with me and dd. I don't see actions reflecting that. I think he's afraid of commitment.
Any advice. Do men change? I know he has changed hugely in his attitude about relationships since me but I'm not sure enough to want to commit fully. And if he can't they I haveto leave. He knows this and it doesn't help the relationship. But I don't want to waste more years with someone and find myself old and resentful. I'm so unhappy and just want our future to be seen in the present. I can't htink properly and it is in my head daily. When he goes back home it hits me again and I feel my life is empty and I'm being used. All negative thoughts that are bringing me down and certainly not helping the relationship. Dont know what to do. Any advice?

[beaglesaresweet]

You could use the usual (but risky!) advice and stop seeing him with the excuse that you need some time and space to think about what you want. Advice us usually to do this in a very breezy friendly way, i.e. not sounding resentful or threatening. It's very hard as it's the opposite of what you want. But in many cases, the man is then kicked into the reality of losing you (rather than you clinging and hoping while he knows you are not going anywhere) so that he has a chance to feel his potential loss. For some women it really works, but you need to hold your nerve and wait for him to come after you. Obviously you could still maintain some contact but not meeting up. I don't know how often do you meet? The milder version of this, is to space out yor meeting more - more than he'd like to. This could also be enough for him to feel he may lose you.
Imo talking him into it wouldn't help - I'm sure you ve done it already. Is he's scared of r-ships, it will make him even more resistant. But if you take the fear away by pulling back, he may relax and actually think rationally.
If you are saying you can't continue like this, in a way, you'd have to walk out anyway eventually. After wasting a lot more time. If he really won't commit, better to find out sooner, esp as your relationship isn't even new.

I'm sure you may get more advice, maybe better if something else worked for someone.

[4amInsomniac]

Do people have to believe that a relationship is forever before starting to enjoy it? It sounds like neither of you want to move nearer in case things don't work out in the long term. Could you both look at things differently, and say that no -one knows if this will last, but as far as I can see, I want to be with you. Then make decisions that mean you can get the most out of life now, and to some extent let the future look after itself?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think you have a few options here. One being to lead by example, take the leap of faith, move house and commit to being with him. Another being to set an ultimatum of 'commit or finish'. If you have your own assets and aren't planning to have DCs together, there's not really a compelling argument for marriage.

[akaWisey]

The relationship is functioning at a level he feels most comfortable with and you've outgrown that (understandably so).

I agree with pp's you do have options but since trying to talk to him about it always ends up with you in exactly the same dilemma maybe you could take time out to decide whether you're prepared to wait and if so, for how long. Don't keep doing the same thing - you already know that doesn't work. Your happiness is your responsibility and he's probably fully aware that you're depending on him, to an extent, to complete the picture as it were.

[tribpot]

You love the guy but you're not having a lot of fun in this relationship. It sounds a bit like you love the potential of what the relationship could be if he could change. The guys you dated before you met him may well have felt the same about you. But you weren't ready then and he isn't ready now. Just as it wasn't fair to the previous guys to keep them hanging on it isn't fair to yourself to keep hanging on.

Keeping it fun and casual works if that's what both parties want. If it isn't what one party wants the relationship is invalidating their feelings.

You can't make him commit. If this isn't what he wants, that's his choice. Don't hurt yourself by choosing something that's less than you want.

[middleagecrisis]

Thank you all for your comments. I had a few days to think about it. While i did unfortunately something has risen up that I can't stop thinking about and has made me feel particularly uncomfortable and is making me lean towards just giving up.
As I have trust issues from the past i asked him to always be honest with me. Now i know couples have small white lies they tell each other. This he often tells me is because i would go mad and there is no need to.
Now while ignorance is bliss and there are things that don't bother me in a relationship I prefer to know and let me have my own reaction.
99% time I am actually understanding and open and supportive, even if i don't fully agree. I believe it's give and take. Times I know i can be misunderstood so I don't reveal.
However, he also had serious trust issues. We overcome them I thought. along the way he has made contact with various old friends which i found out about. Female friends. He wouldn't have many male friends. Now he felt this would bother me so said nothing. I found out and I did of course flip. not because he talks to them. but he never told me he did. So he promised it would never happen again.
roll on to 2 days ago. We both bumped into his old ex. He hadn't seen her in years. She had caused his serious trust issues. He was calm and didn't worry. I actually thought it was a comical situation. It didn't bother me. In fact it confirmed to me that she wasn't this stunning princess i had envisaged. But he denied it was her. Said it was a friend. I could barely speak as it was glaringly obvious in the 3 mins coversation who she was. So i left it there and then. the following day i asked again.He said it wasn't her to leave it. So i asked one more time and said i was sure it was her who else would it be. he finally admitted and said he didn't want me upset and that's why he denied. I said he should have trusted me after all this time. Again he made me feel like i was going crazy that i was no annoyed he had blatently lied.He had said to me he had put it all behind him and his current change in life and career was what was important. Never look back.Had caused him too much pain in past.
However i had a gut feeling that she might contact. And she obviously has. They have been texting the last two days, throughout the day. I know this as i have seen the phone bill. But he does not know i have.
I feel betrayed. That his never look back catchphrase was rubbish. Would you text an ex if she had caused you that much pain and your had told your current g/f that you hadn't wanted to address the situation of meeting in case it hurt her. Surely what he is now doing is worse... Am i slowly losing forsight here?

[innisglas]

Oh dear, I wouldn't like that. Whether they are big lies or petty lies, if you are trying to learn to trust someone and have emphasised how much you need the truth, this is not good.