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Am I doing the right thing to stick to my guns on this?

(16 Posts)
Dieu Sun 16-Mar-14 08:10:26

Hello everyone. It's my first time on Relationships, so please bear with me, although I will endeavour to keep this brief!
Husband and I separated a few months back. He is living with the woman he left me for. We have 3 children. I am a stay at home mum, living in the family home with the children. My husband is a devoted father and sees our girls round here most evenings of the week, plus a day at the weekend. It's great that he's such an involved dad, and I have been happy enough to host the access round here, as I never wanted him to be a 'MacDonalds dad', nor would it be nice for the kids. Reason access has been round here is that I felt it was much too soon for them to meet this other woman, and I wanted to protect the girls from their dad's infidelity. Our eldest is 12 and I feared it would be damaging for her. Funnily enough, husband has been happy to play along, as I don't think he was ready to tell them either! It has all been amicable for the most part.
Thing is, family home has now been sold and the girls and I are moving. Same city, just a different area, to be closer to school and to live in a place with a community feel, like I've always wanted. I was always clear with my husband that when I moved, I would no longer be prepared to host all the access. I explained that the new place would be my territory and my fresh start. How could I move on when my he was still in my life constantly. The lines were bound to be a bit blurry while still at the family home, but I wanted clear boundaries when I moved. I also accepted that in order for this to happen, I was willing to allow the girls to meet Linda (his girlfriend), as enough time would have passed by the time we move.
Now that we have put an offer in on a house, and I have stood by that rule (not easy, when I'm 'just' a SAHM and he's the powerful career person), his toys are being well and truly thrown out of the pram. He is complaining that Linda lives in a 1 bed flat, so how can he possibly accommodate overnight stays (in due course)? Where would he take them weekday evenings, as it's too far to their flat? I have had to harden my heart a bit (not easy for me) and explain that it's not my problem and that he has had months to find a solution. He went mental. He will not accept that he may end up having to see a bit less of the kids through the week. For the first time, I can see that we're probably not going to end up as amicable as I'd hoped.
Forgive me my ignorance on legal matters, but he's threatening to have the house in his name only, as he will be the one paying the mortgage. But what about my security long term? I can see that I'm going to end up feeling like the lodger. After 18 years of marriage, all he cares about is his children. I am glad about this, but saddened for myself.
The past few months have been difficult and have taken an emotional toll on myself. He makes persistent sexual advances towards me, his moods change like the wind, he makes constant digs about how I don't contribute financially and the pressure is all on him. This I accept, so have committed to be in work by August, when our youngest starts school.
I feel like he has all the power, because he is the one paying for everything. Am I right to stick to my guns and refuse to host access in the new place? I am very fond of my ex on the whole, but the thought of never being free makes me feel slightly queasy.
I should probably have made him make his own arrangements to see the girls in the first place, when he moved out, and he'd have had no choice and thought nothing of it. I didn't have the strength at that time though. Now he has come to expect me to host his access to our children indefinitely.
I cannot tell you how much I would appreciate any responses, because at the moment I'm thinking 'is it just me?...'
Thanks so much in advance.

Sorcha1966 Sun 16-Mar-14 08:21:49

You are SO right. And you must stick to your guns. It is also confusing for the children, Mummy and Daddy playing house every evening but they are getting divorced....The whole 'its his house because he pays for it' is bullshit. Do you have a lawyer ? If not my best advice is that you get one,a good one, pronto.

irrationalme Sun 16-Mar-14 08:23:21

See a lawyer.

CakeWillDo Sun 16-Mar-14 08:25:31

op when your house is sold are hou not dividing up your assets, for a clean break? I have probably read it wrong, but it sounds like your ex is buying the new house?

Finickynotfussy Sun 16-Mar-14 08:26:46

Is 'Linda' a changed name? If not, report this post and get it removed - it will not be helpful if the other parties find you're discussing it online. Good luck with it all - you sound very sensible.

RandomMess Sun 16-Mar-14 08:28:27

Posted on your other thread. Do not continue with the move until you have sought legal advice and stop hosting access now.

lavenderhoney Sun 16-Mar-14 08:33:10

You need a solicitor very quickly indeed. Call round tomorrow and get yourself booked in. Assets are split in a divorce, he doesn't get to control that. Is the house in joint names now? Talk to the solicitor handling it so they know you are getting a divorce - he could have the money paid direct to him and you won't get a house at all!

Don't agree to anything about houses, verbally or emails/ text. Don't sign anything.

Work for you - think sept- school hols? And don't discuss it with him, he isn't part of your decision making process anymore.

He's had ages to sort where he sees the dc. He can't have you and the ow dancing to his tune.

louby44 Sun 16-Mar-14 08:33:44

Yes you need legal advice. I totally agree with you but this needs to be all written up in a legal document so that your exh can't just waltz into your house when he feels like it!

ReluctantCamper Sun 16-Mar-14 08:33:44

You're doing the right thing and being really reasonable (too reasonable?). Good luck and stick to your guns.

tribpot Sun 16-Mar-14 08:36:09

You need to seek proper legal advice. Your interests are not being properly protected if he is buying your new house as well - that's just not right.

You can't actually have been happy to be hosting him in the light of the fact that he makes persistent sexual advances towards me, his moods change like the wind, he makes constant digs about how I don't contribute financially. It sounds like being under siege. It certainly doesn't sound amicable; it sounds more like you've been passively putting up with it - in the same way you did during the marriage?

Time (more than time) for him to make his own arrangements. Your children will be confused by his presence in their home, particularly a home which he has never lived in. You need to feel you have a citadel as well. He chose to leave you and set up his own home. Now he needs to work out how to accommodate his children within that.

You need to strengthen your boundaries and expect respect. He may believe you are inferior because you are a SAHM and he is a career person. You don't have to believe that, and shouldn't. This is the start of your new life, time to take control back.

Ledkr Sun 16-Mar-14 08:44:12

Yes you are very right about the access not being in your HOME' this is better for the girls too.
It sounds as if he wants his cake and eat it to me.

As for the house do not in any circumstances have it in his name.

You desperately need legal advice.

Logg1e Sun 16-Mar-14 09:11:02

Legal advice. This picture should look a lot more like you using your share of the marital assets to buy a home in your name, and your ex husband pays money towards his daughters' upbringing which you might just choose to spend on mortgage repayments. Either way, none of his business.

LadyLapsang Sun 16-Mar-14 09:31:43

I think you both need legal advice about the long term financial and housing situation. Is the long -term plan that once your youngest leaves school you downsize to release capital ? From what you say at the moment it sounds like no money will be released from the sale of your existing house to house him (unless you are downsizing) - do you just expect him to walk away with no capital and have a clean break? Think things will depend on the length of your marriage, your ages and projections for your future incomes. Doesn't sound ideal that he will not have a home of his own in the future (he will not have any rights at his GFs property) - so this is likely to lead to him at least wanting a share of the house.

Dieu Sun 16-Mar-14 10:45:33

Thanks so much for the FAB advice everyone. I cannot tell you how much it means, and how helpful you have been.

BeforeAndAfter Sun 16-Mar-14 11:12:29

If he his paying the mortgage and the new house is in joint names imagine this unpalatable scenario... OW gets fed up being in a small flat with him while you have a whole house to live in. OW wants a baby so they have to move. She pressures him into forcing you to sell and you have to move again because you have no legal protection and you relied on the word of a man who's already lied to you with his affair. All you do is throw yet more money away on stamp duty and legal fees - legal advice is cheaper than that.

You need legal advice and fast. Do not underestimate how quickly goodwill goes out of the window when your H realises he's financially fucked.

Family lawyers do free half hours for an initial meeting. Write a list of questions down and just work through the list during your meeting. I recommend setting up a few so you can maximise the free advice and get a feel for the person. It's important you feel your lawyer is part of team-Dieu.

I wouldn't tell your H about any meetings just yet. He'll probably flip and I suspect he knows he's got everything working in his favour right now.

Good luck OP

Diagonally Sun 16-Mar-14 12:14:55

Have you actually agreed a settlement via lawyers or has your H presented this scebario as the only option?

You should be splitting the proceeds of the sale of the FMH. Is there enough equity for you to buy outright elsewhere? What split are you currently expecting?

I assume the plan was for him to pay the mortgage because you can't raise one yourself? In which case if he can afford to pay the mortgage he can afford to pay spousal maintenance so make a claim for that instead and get the mortgage in your name.

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