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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Should love be enough? LDR

15 replies

withextradinosaurs · 15/03/2014 17:02

I posted about my situation under a different name so apologies if this looks a bit familiar.

I met a lovely guy, he lived a long way away, I did a lot of travelling, I got more and more grumpy about this and now I seem to have broken the relationship.

Part of me thinks how lovely and romantic it would have been to have upped sticks and gone to live with/near him. But I have a job, with a good pension, and a house, with only a small mortgage, where I live. Was I foolishly pragmatic to prize these things above manly companionship?

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lavenderhoney · 15/03/2014 17:32

No. Unless you were planning to get married or you could get a better job and keep your house and rent it just in case.

Why couldn't he move?

Why were you the one doing all the travelling?

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BertieBotts · 15/03/2014 17:36

Nope. I don't think love is enough for a LDR. You also need signs of commitment, working towards security, reassurance, trust. I think generally you need a bit of history too although the history can be built up if you have enough of the other things.

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BertieBotts · 15/03/2014 17:38

Why do you say you have "broken the relationship", BTW? Why not say that the relationship wasn't working, or that you began to feel unhappy? Was it something that you did or a general crumbling?

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withextradinosaurs · 15/03/2014 17:42

I feel responsible, I said a couple of unkind things, and I said I wasn't going to do any more travelling.

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Nomama · 15/03/2014 18:00

Ach!

It either feels worth it or it doesn't.

You have to go with whatever makes you feel as though you have enough control.

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BeforeAndAfter · 15/03/2014 18:01

Love alone is not enough.

You need a sense of team work and support: the two of you working together to build foundations for your present and future together. One person making the sacrifices and trying to do all the loving for both of you will breed resentment. That frustration/resentment can distort you and make you more inclined to say unkind words.

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sooperdooper · 15/03/2014 18:03

Why we're you doing more travelling than him? I don't blame you for getting fed up if he wasn't making as much effort.

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BertieBotts · 15/03/2014 18:03

Well, a relationship which is strong in the first place can overcome a couple of unkind comments, if that was what "broke" it, then it wasn't worth having. (Not that that means it's OK to make unkind comments, but in periods of stress, you know, it happens.) And saying you won't travel is just putting up a boundary which is a perfectly healthy (and important) thing to do in a relationship.

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lemonbabe · 15/03/2014 18:06

I think there comes a time in a LDR where you have to make a decision. Was it time enough ? Were you together a long time ? You need to look at the worst case scenario: upping sticks to live with him, leaving your job, etc. and running the risk of it going pear shaped... If you can handle that then give it your best ever shot and put everything into making it work. I've been in this situation btw, if a man is worth his salt, he's worth making the move for and it will come from you. Maybe he's not the one ?!

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withextradinosaurs · 15/03/2014 18:15

I got burnt doing that for a previous man, he was desperate for me to go and live with him and give up the job I had then as it was very demandng of my time. Now that I have found MN I know that those were massive red flags. At the time I didn't.

I feel "once bitten twice shy" but of course that means I am tarring all men with one bad apple's brush. Good god, that's a mixed metaphor...

sooper, one of his kids didn't like him going away.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/03/2014 18:15

Love is never enough. :) Even if you lived around the corner from each other it wouldn't be enough. There also has to be equality, respect, consideration, teamwork, kindness.... all kinds of things which maybe fell short this time.

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whereisshe · 15/03/2014 18:23

As cog said, love is never enough. Trust, respect, intimacy - you need all of these as well. And tbh the respect can be measured by equality of effort each party puts in I think. It doesn't sound like things are totally balanced if you're doing all the travelling.

Anyway, if you said something sufficiently unkind to kill it off, either you didn't really want to be in the relationship (subconscious sabotage), or it wasn't going to go the distance (too fragile). Either way, better off out of it.

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withextradinosaurs · 15/03/2014 18:29

I think teamwork was missing, that sense of joint endeavour.

Thanks, Cog and Where :)

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Puddles1234 · 15/03/2014 18:33

withextradinosaurs Was it always you doing the traveling? Was he making as much effort to see you as you were to see him?

Personally there is no way I would give up a ' a job, with a good pension, and a house, with only a small mortgage' to up sticks and move to be with someone but I rule with head and not heart.

Can he not move to where you are? Or does he have the same securitys as you where he lives?

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withextradinosaurs · 15/03/2014 18:55

Hi Puddles, yes, he has job and family ties where he is. I felt I made all the effort and did try and talk about it a few times, with not much change.