Want to vent

[Thebluedog]

So not to drip feed. Myself and my DH have had some brilliant times this year and some lows too...

We've adopted a little girl 6 months ago and we, and her are doing really well, we have a birth dd who is 6.

However my DH has had a bit of a breakdown. Over Xmas he was ill, think bad flu, and after that started saying things like he felt 'something was missing'. He stopped sleeping for more than 3 hours a night, got obsessed with his weight, went fasting for days and has lost nearly 2 stone, he's started getting anxiety attacks and the doc has put him on medication for that and depression.

Having had depression and anxiety some years ago I've tried to be as supportive as possible, even tho he wasn't in the least bit supportive to me he didn't get me anything for my birthday (the day was shit tbh as he was moody and unhappy) and was very self absorbed (I know this can be a symptom of depression). He's not been himself for obvious reasons and not a great person to be around but I've tried to make it as tranquil as I can for the kids etc. Especially with the little one. I feel terribly guilty she's had I whiteness this especially after the upheaval of moving to us.

Anyway last night I asked him to do something over the weekend (for me) which would have meant moving one of his plans - nothing major. Anyway he moaned and complained and I'm afraid to say I lost my rag. We had a blazing row and he slept on the sofa ( not unusual in its self with his insomnia )

Anyway we've been bickering through the day over the phone and I've just got a message from him saying he's not coming home.

I'm beyond annoyed, I'm hurt and upset.

All I asked was he change his plans and it was like I'd asked him to remove a limb. I know I should be more supportive and bite my tongue, but sometimes I'd like to come first. And now he's punishing me and I have no idea how to react! I can't even bring myself to text him back or call him.

[Dahlen]

Depression is not carte blanche to behave badly. I have every sympathy for your DH as depression can be incredibly debilitating, but it doesn't make him incapable of putting your family's needs first.

I'd cut him some slack because of his illness, but I'd also make sure that support is conditional on him not being too much of an arse. The thing is, whether he can't help himself or whether he's choosing to treat you all badly, the results are the same, and while you may be prepared to put up with them in the name of loyalty and love, your DC should not have to.

Your role to your DH is to listen and support and to motivate when he needs encouragement. It is not to be his whipping boy or say "it's ok" when he abdicates his responsibility towards his children, because it's not. His walking out on you all for the night - assuming you are happy to have the DC - is doing just that (although admittedly he may not see it like that at the moment).

I think you should send a text back saying that while you wish to support him and will do whatever it takes, your support cannot be unconditional because there are two children involved. His depression needs consideration and management, and you will tackle this as a team, but if he can't meet you half way then you need to consider an alternative future.

Don't think I'm being cruel. This doesn't mean your marriage is over. It means you are protecting your DC (and you). If his MH is that bad he may need hospitalisation (rare), or to live away from you for a while until he is better able to manage his behaviour and the number of rows you have decrease. Or he can come home and try to work harder at managing things.

[CookieLady]

Depression can make you self-centered but in my own experience, I have one of the most severe forms of it, never did I not make my children a priority. I think he's using it as an excuse to be a dick.

[Thebluedog]

Thank you both for responding.

Whilst I wasn't particularly pleasant last night, he was just as bad. And going by today's conversation he thinks the blame firmly sits with me..

We have all been tip toeing around him for weeks now and his moods generally dictate how the evening it day goes.

It seems he just wants a reaction. For example I asked him where he was staying, and he refused to tell me, so I said 'ok' as I am really annoyed and don't want to get sucked back in. He then comes back with he doesn't know what to do with my attitude! I've been bending over backwards recently to make sure he has a little hassle as possible! I'm at a loss now

[Thebluedog]

He says he's sleeping in his van... Which is ridiculous as he's got lots of friends and family he could stay with, or a bloody b&b.

He's just texting me and refusing to talk ace to face or even over the phone. I've refused to get into it with him over text. So he's back to trying to cause an argument. I've told him I'll block him over text if he carrys on.