Family issue...being 'chucked out' for family to stay at parents(29 Posts)
I don't know if I should've posted in AIBU but feeling so fragile right now I don't think I could handle it ;-)
I guess part of me is possibly being childish and over sensitive ....
I've posted many times before, re my leaving DV and having to stay back with my parents for the short (ish) term (lord knows why i thought i'd find support here, but i had nowhere else to go)... I stay out of their way a lot and now I have a new partner I'm at his a lot.. (even when he's away.. as I never feel welcome at my parents and always in the way. I do have a voluntary job and trying to keep as busy as possible.. i'm well on the way to recovery but still have bad days and triggers.. to be honest most of which come from my parents,. I don't want to move in with DP, it's too soon ie two months, he hasnt asked and anyway it's not what i want at this stage.. and i'm sure he doesn't either..it's not something i even want to think about right now, although i'm sure my parents are hoping i will)
Both my parents are toxic and they enable each other.... yet I still love them and yearn for their support, which I know will never come.. and I'm nearly 43.. I feel so pathetic to even write this.
My brother, his wife and their 3 kids are coming to stay at my parents for a month this summer, from abroad. We are all looking forward to this.. for me it's been three years since seeing them(since they were last here).. but my parents go over there once a year
The issue is, that I have been told to completely vacate their home for a month as home will be too crowded. I don't have kids and am so lookiing forward to seeing the kids especially as i've not even met the baby. I am told that me staying is not an option. I asked if i could stay in lounge on a blow up mattress, answer is a resounding no as house will still be too crowded especially the one bathroom, etc.
So i am expected to go to DP's and/ or friends for a month. BUT... equally, expected to return each day, (44 mile round trip to DPs) to do family stuff and 'we need a secondary driver' ... ie they need me to be the second car for outings.
I feel a little hurt by this as i dont see how it hurts for me to stay over sometimes, it caused a huge argument when i suggested this ie help with bath, bed etc with the kids. They are stressed at the house containing 7 people as it is.
It's a 3 bed house, not small but not big.
I've also been told to clear out everything from my bedroom for the month they are over (and basically, not to bring it back!). I have nowhere for it to go. Everything i own, that i escaped with from ex, is in that room. There is no room at DP's and why should there be..it's my issue
Should i just grit my teeth and start looking into storage? Maybe i'm being selfish but im so sick of living out of bags as it is. Now i'm going to be living out of one bag for everything.
The other thing i should point out is.. the bedroom is full of my stuff in bags, as there is no storage. Reason being, that every cupboard and drawer (plus wardrobe) is full of my brother's stuff, even though he emigrated in 2000. He has no interest in this stuff and never sorts through it when he's over, yet my parents won't touch it, or let me touch it and are happy to keep it for him.
In the meantime I've been told to get rid of all my possessions
It's like a real trigger for me and i can't stop crying
I left with so little, as I literally grabbed what i could and threw it into the car
It's all i have
And they're telling me to get rid of it all
Meanwhile, there are drawers I could be using in the room, full of early 90s music mags..and exotic seashells (I 'm not joking! brother was a hoarder and collector as my dad still is) - things my brother won't throw out but doesn't actually want...
They don't even want me to 'waste my money' on storage
They think i should get rid of everything
eg every book.. only keep a few changes of clothes.. etc etc
When i look at my stuff, i see it as a mini victory eg stuff i got past ex before he destroyed it
This is going to sound like I have some hoarding issue, but I don't have tons of stuff
Yes I find it hard to let go.. it's all I have when i lost job, home , relationship and most of my stuff. It might be 'crap' but it's my crap! And it's stuff I need. My father thinks I can let it all go and start again. Some of it is irreplaceable. And this is coming from my father the hoarder!
I understand them wanting the room clear for bro and his wife. But to actually chuck the lot??! When I lost everything else? I feel they understand nothing of what I went through
I feel like they're saying 'you're not worth it and your stuff isnt worth it'
Why would they resent me keeping what little I have, which basically fills up about half a bedroom? it's not much to show for a life
I dont have money to replace this stuff, i came off sickness benefits and am now on JSA
It's going to take a lot to get back on my feet eg i don't own a stick of furniture.. and i'll soon be flat hunting.. why would i want to get rid of all my clothes?!
I feel like dirt and that they dont want me here at all and only want me visiting each day when bro is over, to help /drive ie to make their lives easier . They nag me to get a paid job 'oh but you'll be here for that month won't you? the kids will want to see their aunty! and we need a second driver'!
They moan about the logistics of now needing 2 cars to get around and being my bro's fault for having another kid and what a pain it is that their only grandkids are the other side of the planet
Yet when i made a light hearted comment about it not being my fault he had three kids now, i was told i was jealous, and being a selfish bitch (what, for wanting to stay some of the time that they'll be here?!) I should point out that my bro knows none of this ,and is a laidback person (sister in law, not so, and i think that's why my parents want the room clear and 'perfect' ie its keeping up with the joneses./. her parents are v v rich)
My brother has the charmed life with lovely house and kids, but im honestly happy for him and want to see his family. If i moan about getting my stuff out or not being allowed to stay, i'm told i'm hateful and jealous. I'm really not. But I do resent being chucked out as it were and told to get my stuff out too. .he will go back to his home after a hol and i'll still be registered as homeless and tryng to sort myself out. .i'm still suffering with depression and PTSD - I just wish they'd show some sensitivity.. i offer to get storage but i'm just told not to bother and to chuck it all out and basically chuck myself out too
Go and declare yourself homeless, Jesus my love you can't stay there, anything is better than the life you are currently leading.
You sound so so sad and worn out & in need of a big hug.
It sounds to me you went into a vile relationship based on your treatment by your parents.
Stop relying on them as it is making you feel so shit. You need to get out and get your own place. Somehow. It will help you massively.
Can you ask them to give you a letter that you are being made to vacate so you can go to the council and see about hosing?
Can you just find a room to rent? Being away from them with space for your stuff will help you enormously in my opinion.
Why are you asking them if you can store your stuff. It is your stuff. Store it! Don't ask them. Don't even discuss it with them.
Get to the doctor and get some more help do deal with your unresolved issues around your parents.
And don't be a door mat and be there as a taxi driver everyday for a month. Your brother can hire a car big enough for his family.
Talk to your brother and arrange to see them separate from your parents a few times.
Agree with FF, so sorry for you but you sound absolutely ground down. A hostel would be better than the current situation, and then you wouldn't have to get rid of what few belongings you have. Sad that your family are so unsupportive.
Let's face it. Your parents don't want you staying there. And are using your brother's visit as a deadline by which you must have vacated (given we're talking summer you have a few months yet).
Without knowing your backstory, is there a reason why you won't have got the money together for another flat by then? It sounds as if you might be too ill to work because of the PTSD?
I agree with FannyFifer, I think you need to declare yourself homeless; your parents are basically evicting you. (I'm ignoring all the shite about you having to come back at their convenience when your bro is there, as you should).
I don't know why they are so fixated on your stuff, but to be honest I would get that out of the house even before you get yourself out, as there seems to be some risk they'll just turf the lot one day when you're out. Get yourself some storage so you know your things are safe.
What they want you to do when your bro is here is irrelevant. If they were saying it was a condition of you being allowed to stay it'd be mean but at least it would make sense. But no, you're to sling your hook but be at their beck and call anyway. It's one or the other, they can't have both.
What others have said. It's time to move out. They don't want you to move your stuff back in, they're moving you out by degrees. Sorry. I think when you live somewhere else, you will feel better about your life, and see the relationship with your parents as very damaging, and work out a way to live round it.
You need to leave, as soon as you possibly can
They are being awful and I'm so sorry because it must be horrible for you
But you don't want to be there, they clearly don't want you there. And while I don't think they are being fair to you at all it is their house and they can do what they want with it
I don't know much about this, but could you get a room in a shared house just as a stop gap? There are bad and good places, but you can stay as a lodger somewhere, I think you can find places like that at Spareroom (haven't looked myself). You may even be able to get housing benefit, and you would be able to find a place where you can take your stuff there and keep it.
Then I would not bother being the second driver, seriously. Your parents are sabotaging your recovery.
hth Sending massive hugs and positive vibes. Good luck.
Could you not afford a tiny bedsit for now? Anything would do, just a roof over your head. Or lodge somewhere, room in shared house.
If you do go to stay with friends or with your dp, do not go back to theirs every day. They have no right to insist on this and you have no obligation to drive anyone around.
Speak to shelter and find out about declaring yourself homeless. You may be able to get a rent deposit scheme loan. You may actually get more support in a shared house than you've ever had before.
I really hope you find a way of moving out and living independently from your parents, they really are vile to you
Good advice from other posters. I have nothing to add, but wish you well and keep us up to date
Oh OP. Totally shit.
What the others said - just adding my support and a x
Move out - it sounds like they almost want to wipe you from the face of the earth - none of this sounds like a healthy atmosphere to recover from an abusive relationship - it actually sounds like an abusive relationship .
I expected to read you were perhaps in your twenties not forties. there doesn't seem to be anything in this for you. I loved my parents and generally got on well But could never have lived 'at home' in my forties. We'd have killed each other. I just don't get why you are there. There's nothing in it for you. Are you looking for work? Get a job with accommodation? nanny? Etc. Anything has to be better than this.
Love, although this is a horrible situation for you, I think and hope that in six months time you will look back and realise that it was all for the best.
You will thrive and heal away from your parents.
Contact Shelter, they will have advise for you.
Hugs to you and best wishes for your new life.
OK, it sounds like there are some very unhealthy boundaries going on here.
You need to take this step by step.
Can you work?
If so, can you find a job?
If not, can you claim benefits?
You need to find somewhere to live by yourself. Please don't go back to live with your parents after your brother's visit.
You need to NOT go to your parents every day to drive them all around while your brother is staying; instead, visit once a week to see your DB and his family while they are here.
I think the better idea is a another poster said Explain things to your brother and say you would love to meet up but not at the parents house! Don't become a taxi service. If they don't want you, they can't have your taxi service.End of.
I hope you can get somewhere to live.
I think, once you do, you should go there, stay there and let your parents get on with their lives. Do not be a taxi service for them.
Go to the CAB, contact your Local Authority and Shelter, make sure you claim any benefits you are entitled to and good luck.
I think there's an unhealthy dependence on your parents. Sometimes as a parent you need to give your son/daughter a shove in the right direction to enable the son/daughter to move on. Look at it as a fresh start. Its an achievable goal to work towards. Also, don't be dictated to. You are free to see your brother as you feel right, and not as they demand.
Hope all goes well OP.
first chance I've had to get back on here and I need to re read everyone's replies; thank you all.
Yes possibly an unhealthy dependence.. which is crazy as I left home 20 yrs ago and was always fiercely independent...but I had two breakdowns last year as a result of the DV/ abuse and did become dependent I admit.. I am still v hurt but it is the kick I need.. back to the flat hunting
I am looking forward to family coming and want to see a lot of them; however I doubt it will be daily; I would also hope to be back in paid work by then..
dollius I do voluntary work... it was to ease me back into working after being on ESA. I am now on Jobseekers and applying for paid work
My father was v violent when I was growing up and my mother enabled it. So there is a deep resentment there... my counseller was right that going back to them was a bad move as would bring up the past and cause anxiety . It has.. plus nightmares.. so perhaps this is the push I need..
I thought I wouldn't be able to handle a refuge when in fact wouldve had the support I needed
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