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(19 Posts)
onionlove Thu 13-Mar-14 10:46:13

I've just found strange texts on my DH's phone, obviously arranging a meeting with someone (he's done this kind of thing before so every so often I check his phone). I called the number and it was a woman but seemed like a business type ansaphone, I googled the number and it is an ex-porn star escort. That is all I know, we have small 2 children and have been married nearly ten years. I can't keep things like this inside, I'm going to have to confront him but I don't know what to say.... Help?

Quitelikely Thu 13-Mar-14 10:50:02

Tell him what you said above. It looks like you gave him a second chance and he has decided to throw that chance away. I hope for you and your dcs sake it's not what it seems. Good luck OP

Jan45 Thu 13-Mar-14 10:50:10

Oh how awful, he's done it before and you have to check his phone, that's no way to live OP.

I think it's a case of you have to confront him and you also have to think about if this is the kind of future you want, doesn't sound like he's going to stop his little indiscretions.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 13-Mar-14 10:58:13

What did you say last time? hmm Whatever it was, don't say that again because it clearly didn't have any effect whatsoever. Why do you tolerate a level of mistrust in a relationship that makes you think it's natural to check his phone? Why would you want to keep this knowledge inside?

He's making a fool of you and I'm very sorry. You don't have to put up with it

Logg1e Thu 13-Mar-14 11:00:07

I wouldn't confront him yet. I would think about it and get a very, very clear picture of what I wanted, organise it all, and then present it as a fait accompli.

(If you're interested, my clear picture involves him being out of the house, locked out and with a letter from my lawyer in his hand).

MissScatterbrain Thu 13-Mar-14 11:33:59

And get tested for STIs sad

onionlove Thu 13-Mar-14 11:42:04

Last time I told him if he ever did anything like this or even gave me a reason to think he was up to something that would be it, so yes, he doesn't give a s**t about what I say really. The thought of having to talk to him makes my flesh crawl, he knows I'm powerless because of the children, I'd change the locks tonight if it was just me and him, I'm disgusted, angry and upset. I don't know what else to say...

MissScatterbrain Thu 13-Mar-14 11:45:55

You are not powerless. You do need to follow through otherwise it will get worse as he will think you won't do anything.

Get some legal advice and find out about benefits entitlements and google Olgaga's blog which gives great advice. As the father he has to support you and DC and you do have rights.

LavenderGreen14 Thu 13-Mar-14 11:48:13

you most certainly are not powerless - I agree, see a solicitor, and sadly I think you need an STI check too. So sorry.

Logg1e Thu 13-Mar-14 11:49:23

I agree with PP. If you feel powerless, then get yourself informed (information is power, and all that).

Steely cool determination now.

SolidGoldBrass Thu 13-Mar-14 11:50:04

You're not powerless. I suggest you consult a solicitor and say you want a divorce. Depending on whether you rent or own the home and whose name it's in, you may be best off moving and taking DC with you, or it may be that he can be forced to leave or perhaps the home would be sold (various factors matter here; a solicitor can help). Get all the necessary information in place (who should stay/benefits/income) and then tell him that the marriage is over and what's going to happen.

He may refuse to leave. Unfortunately you can't force him out immediately unless he has been violent, but you can still end the marriage and stop engaging with him - separate cooking, laundry etc. It's pretty grim as a way to live but bearable if there's an end in sight (eg you are sorting out a new place to live and/or the house is being sold).

But don't waste time or money on marriage counselling or listening to his promises. He clearly feels entitled to do what he wants, and that your wishes don't matter, so there is no point in trying to 'save' the marriage.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 13-Mar-14 11:56:01

Also saying you're not powerless. You're a married woman with children and that confers you certain rights in the event of a split. If you mean that you think children should have two parents under the same roof, even if one of those parents is miserable because of the other one's behaviour, then you should have a rethink. Children know when things are being faked 'for their sake' ... and it's a horrible way to grow up.

Fairenuff Thu 13-Mar-14 18:09:56

Last time I told him if he ever did anything like this or even gave me a reason to think he was up to something that would be it

So, did you mean what you said last time? Because if you did then this is it.

The relationship is over anyway, you don't trust him, he has no respect for you. It's just a matter of working out how to separate surely?

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Thu 13-Mar-14 18:57:30

I would tell him 'I'm done' and I would walk away. Sorry you have this in your life OP

onionlove Mon 17-Mar-14 12:57:39

Thanks for your previous replies everyone, we have spent the weekend apart (apart from him popping back to see the children at bedtime). I'm so angry with him and I don't want to talk to him at all. I seriously don't think he has done anything with this woman, she would probably scare the life out of him.

The usual excuses about being lonely and not getting any attention etc. came out (I've read many messages similar on this board). He is asking me what he can do to sort it out, I feel that the ball should be in his court, he needs to think SERIOUSLY about what he really wants as it doesn't much look like he wants to be in a family at the moment and then he needs to grow up and sort himself out and stop being a child seeking attention.

I think he probably needs some counselling, he has huge issues with his mum etc. We both went before and then he continued to attend (on the counsellors request) but ended up saying it wasn't doing anything for him. I just don't see why I should be the one to sort this out and I don't want to live my life checking phones etc. I don't really know where to go from here, I do still have feelings for him but I'm so angry.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 17-Mar-14 13:06:45

"He is asking me what he can do to sort it out, "

I think the answer to this is that he should give you a lot of breathing space (weeks, not days), respect your privacy, stay away from the house completely (he can collect the children and see them off-site) and above all stop expecting you to keep sweeping up his shit and telling him how a decent man is supposed to behave. You are not his carer.

What he wants is frankly immaterial now. If he chooses counselling, great. If he grows up, fine. If he stops seeking attention, wonderful. But he has to be left in no doubt that even if he does all of that and more, it may never be 'sorted out' because you simply don't trust him any more.

Jan45 Mon 17-Mar-14 13:07:30

You really need to move on from this creep, I'd put money on it he's done something, he's done it before for god's sake, he's a serial cheat and paying for sex, wake up OP, surely you must feel you expect more than this.

He sounds a complete loser of a man.

Get rid and make yourself available to a man that can offer you the basics, respect and fidelity.

AnyFucker Mon 17-Mar-14 13:30:58

Why do "issues with his mum" make him seek sex outside your marriage ?

Fairenuff Mon 17-Mar-14 20:26:54

Don't waste any more years on this man. You've given him a decade already and all he cares about is himself. It's all about him and it always will be.

Move on and maybe you will find someone who wants to laugh with you, respect you, treasure you, be honest with you, support you and share their life equally and fully with you.

You are living in his shadow and reacting to him instead of living your life for yourself. You don't need this any more.

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