I just can't read him anymore

[KnittyNattyNoo]

Here is my dilemma...I am married and have been for 20 years. My husband had a fling with a work colleague years ago, to which I found out and confronted her and him. It wasn't pretty. Since then we have lived different lives, and we don't sleep together, at all. Separate sleeping arrangements to which our children are well aware of (20 and 22). He has moved out of the marital home but still comes back to see the kids and see me, even though I was pleased he moved out. Well, he has a girlfriend who he sees not often but regularly. I don't hear about her, but I know she is there. I ask him not to let us be in the same place together (local pubs and clubs) and he agrees to this. I just don't know how my life has got to this, and although I don't want him, I don't want to lose my life. He hasn't told his family about her or our children. Just what is he playing at???

[Lweji]

What don't you want to lose about your life?
Your house?

Have you had legal advice?

[lavenderhoney]

I'm confused as to your problem, tbh. You don't live together, he seems happy to live elsewhere, you are free to date and your dc are ok with it all. You sound amicable in your split.

The only thing is you being unreasonable in expecting him to check with you where and when he takes out his girlfriend, which I don't think you should do, tbh. Surely all your friends and family know he has moved out and will have other relationships as you can?

If he keeps his relationship with her under wraps for now is his business - its between them.

What do you want him to do?

[KnittyNattyNoo]

I don't know what I want! Advice maybe?

I dont work as I have health problems, I rely on independent money from family. He doesnt seem to want to admit this GF to his family - they dont know about her at all. So on one hand he looks good to his family, but he doesnt live here, so what can that say?? Do you think he wants to have his cake and eat it?

[taratamara]

He already is doing that. What is keeping you in this so-called relationship, really? It sounds like you'd be better off without the pretence and just enjoy life on your own and with whoever else you might meet in the future

[MiniTheMinx]

To be frank, he isn't having his cake and eating it is he. He doesn't live with you and you haven't had a physical relationship for years. I think he's free to do as he likes. If you don't want him, can't live with the fact he is married to you and seeing her, divorce him. That way he will have to face other people and that way you will be forced to see that what you have is not a marriage but a meaningless bit of paper.

[KnittyNattyNoo]

But, he never stays away for long. He comes back every weekend, has a roasty dinner, gets pissed and buggers off to work Monday morning!

[glucose]

Either you or the gf will get sick of the situation in the end unless he decides...so he looses either way. He doesn't have the ability to deal with this conflict, you need to decide what you want and make the best of this situation if that means keeping up the charade do it.

[Qix]

If you don't like it then tell him not to.

[glucose]

If you keep letting him do this he will..

[Coelacanth]

Stop making his visits so resonant of when you were a couple. The DC's are old enough to meet him elsewhere so he has no reason to come back to the house at all.

[Qix]

Your post is mixed up. It kind of reads like you don't think you have split up. When clearly he thinks you have.

[Lweji]

Why does he get a roast dinner every weekend?
why does he even go there? Surely your children are adults now and can see him at his place or elsewhere.
Are you getting something from it? Why won't you divorce him?

[lavenderhoney]

Does he stay weekends?

Do your dc come home every Sunday for dinner? Try going to them fir a change and see if he still bothers. Don't drive him to and fro though.