How can I help my DS?

[catkin14]

I left my EA exh a year ago, we had a long marriage but it took me many years and a lot of courage to leave.
11 months on I am divorced and happy but I have a 15 year old DS that lives with me.
When exh and I were first apart he would meet with DS regularly but cry all the time, tell him he was going to commit suicide, and ask DS to beg me to take him back.
This continued for approx 5 weeks, he told DS he would see him every weekend etc until then. But then he met a NW and it all ground to a halt.

11 months on and DS has grown up amazingly but has such anger towards his DF and has done small amounts of self harm.
He is going to see a counsellor at school and the teachers are very good with him.
He has a nice girlfriend, good friends, a good life, and a lot to be happy about.
But all he can think of is his DF threatening suicide and now seemingly totally forgetting all about him.
He asks me how a father can treat his son like he has..

i have suggested that he try to talk to his DF but he wont (and I dont blame him because his DF has a way of making things everybody elses fault or problem and not his), I have suggested his brothers, who are much older, talk to DF but he says no. And as a last resort that I try to talk to exh, but again DS says no.

I know some of his anger will be down to hormones and age, but how do I help him though all this?
I hate to see him like it, and really dont know what to do.
I work full time and long hours but do my best to take him where he needs to go etc.

[handfulofcottonbuds]

Having a DS myself who went through a challenging time at 15/16, I really feel for you both.

I don't know how to do fancy links but have a look at this website:

www.youngminds.org.uk/for_parents/parent_helpline

[catkin14]

thanks handfulofcottonbuds I will look at that.

How did you deal with his challenges?

[mymiraclebubba]

i had a lot of anger related issues directed at my own DF at that age (emotionally and verbally abusive but parents still together) and it tore me apart.

However, there was nothing anyone could do to get me to talk about it until an amazing woman walked into my life. She was a teacher at my school, she was having a joke with some other kids in the class about having gone on a counselling course so now she could officially help us through exam stresses and not just teach us to pass them. I have no idea why, but something clicked with me and i asked to have a moment of her time in private. She changed my life and prevented my own suicide attempts.

i guess what i am saying is he will open up when he finds someone he feels he can trust etc. just keep being there for him and support him

[Sars123]

Hi, this is difficult. I'm not saying this is the same but when I was about the same age I did mild self harming. It seems stupid now but it was because I was hurting and in a way I blamed myself. My mother had an affair and tbh used me as a cover story. In the end it felt a little as though it was my fault. Then her new partner became abusive and she would not leave him because he suffered from depression and kept threatening to commit suicide. He never has and it has always felt to me as though he has used it as a weapon against her keeping her trapped.as odd as it sounds self harming took away some of my pain. I didn't tell anyone I was doing it and struggled to talk about how I felt. It sounds to me as though your exh is using it as a weapon as well. I'm sure the counselling at school will help and just having you and his brother to talk to and for support will help. My thoughts are with your family

[handfulofcottonbuds]

I gave him the space he needed when he needed it but also let him know that I was available if/when he wanted to talk.

I have brothers and made them aware as there were times he'd be more likely to talk to them.

I never pushed him to talk and spent time with him talking about other things. I mean he was really challenging. It was hard. I sympathise with you.

I spoke with the school, he had one particular teacher who was very good and I had regular meetings with her.

I also got advice from Parentline (don't think they exist anymore)

One time, we hadn't spoken for days, he acted like he really didn't like me. I knocked on his door, said nothing, sat next to him and proceeded to pass him one photo after another of him when he was little until we started laughing.

We made plans together, I always involved him.

I always made him know that my life starts and ends with him (still do tell him and he's 20)

He is an amazing young man. He's been through so much and your darling son will come through this too. It does tend to come out at a certain age. Be there for him as I'm sure you are.

[catkin14]

Thanks all, this gives me some hope that he will be ok.
He seems much brighter today, but thats how it seems to go, ok one day and totally low the next.

As he has said, why would his DF just forget him and desert him? I have no answer to this, at least not repeatable to him!

[mymiraclebubba]

be honest with him, tell him you don't know, tell him that you wish you could make it all ok for him but that whatever his dad does or doesn't do for him that you will always be there to love him, nag him about dirty socks on the floor etc

it won't change anything but it will make him see that he isn't the only one who is struggling for answers