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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

do i date this man ?

25 replies

ilovesprouts · 10/03/2014 14:00

hi wen I was at school ,my school friend [not very close] started see this fella we have always had a bit of a thing for each other [nothing got done about it has they got married] now they have been separated 3 years and a couple of weeks ago he added me on fb so I started talking to him,hes always said he fancied me and me him ,now he wants to go out with me I don't know what to do ?

OP posts:

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HotDAMNlifeisgood · 10/03/2014 14:01

Well, do you want to go on a date with him?

ilovesprouts · 10/03/2014 14:25

I do yeah but id feel a bit awkward hes still married to her but they not been together for 3 years .

OP posts:

Zeeeon · 10/03/2014 14:26

How close are you to your friend? You could talk to her about it?

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 10/03/2014 14:28

OK, he's still married to her (dear god, why? 3 years is plenty of time to sort out a divorce. Is the procedure even under way?).

Do you still want to date him, despite his being married to someone else, but presumably separated?

Or does it bother you sufficiently for you to wait for him to be legally divorced before you date? (and leave yourself open to date other, unattached men too).

Only you know what you're comfortable with.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 10/03/2014 14:30

I don't think you should bring the school friend into it: you don't need her permission to go on a date. Unless it's to check whether they are indeed separated/divorcing, if you're not sure about it. But really, he should be able to tell you what their marital status is, if you ask him straight.

WhateverTrevor83 · 10/03/2014 14:34

Eeeeh. Don't think I could 'be' with someone I know has slept with one of my mates. Bit creepy, no?
There's plenty of men out there...

ilovesprouts · 10/03/2014 17:06

she was not really a close mate just grew up on the same estate together and wen to same school but did not hang out hes deffo separated.

OP posts:

ilovesprouts · 10/03/2014 17:07

she wont divorce him.

OP posts:

WhateverTrevor83 · 10/03/2014 17:07

well, go for it then?
If she's not a friend then go for it.
Have to say I'm a girl's girl - I'd want to know (from her or someone who knows her) why they broke up and check he's not an arse.

ilovesprouts · 10/03/2014 17:39

They just fell out of love and he caught her sleeping with another fella

OP posts:

WhateverTrevor83 · 10/03/2014 17:53

Oh well what are you on about asking us then? Go for it!
:-)

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 10/03/2014 21:35

Hang on. They're not divorced because "she won't divorce him"?

What a load of crap.
Marriage is not serfdom. It doesn't need both parties' approval to be ended. If he wanted to divorce her, he could.

Why is he hanging on?
And why is he asking you out, when he hasn't yet mustered the energy to end the marriage he is currently in?

Perhaps your gut was on to something in your OP, with your misgivings.

There is no reason for them to still be married, if he actually wanted to divorce her.

AnswersThroughHaiku · 10/03/2014 21:46

If he can't think of
Any unreasonable
behaviour, then he

Might well have to wait
For her approval to end
It, until five years.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 10/03/2014 21:51

Indeed. But a) being found in bed with another man qualifies as unreasonable behaviour, and b) are they 3 years into a 5 year procedure, or three years into "can't be arsed initiating proceedings"?

AnswersThroughHaiku · 10/03/2014 21:56

Don't worry, it's too
Much bloody bother counting
Off the syllables.

Cabrinha · 10/03/2014 22:37

Oh I would put that little fishie back into the sea!
No.
A wife that slept with someone else but won't divorce him and 3 years on he's been too spineless or lazy to divorce her? No way.
There's more to that story I'm sure, and it starts "Once Upon A Time There Was Baggage..."

Also, sorry to be a killjoy but people start looking up ex's and might-have-beens when they're bored and lonely. It's easy.

Save yourself for someone who wants to date you because they meet you (real life or online) and think "ooooh - she's nice, I'd like to see her!" not someone who I have a sneaking suspicion thinks this is the easy fast track, picking up from some teenage crush.

My gut tells me you can do better than this one.

ilovesprouts · 11/03/2014 02:07

Dont think they can afford to divorce each other

OP posts:

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 11/03/2014 13:47

People at all sorts of different income levels manage to divorce.

But let's accept that for the moment. We're just back to the initial question: are you comfortable dating a married man?

LyndaCartersBigPants · 11/03/2014 14:15

I'm still married to ex. Been with DP for a year and a half, met him about 6 months after splitting with XH.

Divorce is expensive, needs us to agree on finances, which we can't do at the moment, and requires a lot more energy and input than I can be bothered with at the moment.

I was initially going for unreasonable behaviour but now that 2 years have passed I can just divorce him for being separated for 2 years. Neither of us is still hanging onto the relationship, we're just busy and haven't got round to officially sorting it yet.

This doesn't mean anything as long as you are sure they are really not together any more.

lesbican · 11/03/2014 15:57

I agree with Cabrinha, only lonely/bored people go looking up exes etc.

Then he chooses to hit on his ex wifes school friend. Not divorced. Has always fancied you but not mentioned it until now.

I would stay clear, sounds like a miserable situation

RedandChecker · 11/03/2014 16:05

I disagree. If someone has always been attracted to
Someone else I can understand why they may add them on Facebook. I would find out why they are not divorced, my mother and step father were separated for ten years but they left it that long to file a divorce and were both happy with separate partners in the meantime.

If it is just someone you knew in school and not a friend and they have been apart for three years I don't think you are doing anything wrong. Go on one date, see how you feel afterwards.

SoleSource · 11/03/2014 16:08

I wouldn't date a guy who is still married.

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Pepperami · 11/03/2014 16:11

Surely a drink can't hurt? You don't have to marry him.

You might find you don't like him as much as you thought you did when it comes down to it.

savemefromrickets · 16/03/2014 07:34

I've never got round to my divorce and it's been years. It doesn't mean I'm involved with my ex still. I'm not and DP is totally fine about it.

I think it's down to having an amicable post breakup relationship. If I hated him I would probably have the fury to see me through the divorce!

ilovesprouts · 16/03/2014 16:15

well date went ok planning to meet up soon.

OP posts:

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