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Will counselling help? Any experiences...(2 Posts)
Ok, this might be long...
I don't want to drip feed so please bear with me.
Just before Christmas I saw a message on DH phone, I wasn't looking but saw it. It was from a work colleague, my initial reaction was one of complete and utter rage, I was jealous when I have never felt that way before. I spoke to him about it, he told me it was all in my head. I looked further and it felt very much like this woman was everywhere, all over his texts, Facebook, twitter etc.. I accused him of having an emotional affair. I told him I couldn't cope with that, (we have always had issues with him keeping his work stuff private and not being a very good conversationalist) and told him that he needed to keep contact with this woman to work only. Also that I wasn't going to live my life with someone that won't talk to me. After a particularly difficult Christmas/new year, things seemed to be improving. He was speaking to me ,more about the things that go on at his work. Although was always very careful not to mention this particular woman. Fast forward a month or so and I find out something more. A few years back he had a conversation of a sexual nature with a different woman in his office, never told me about it. Again I went ballistic, told him that because of this I feel I can no longer trust him, because I never thought he would do something like that. He told me that it was a long time ago, he wouldn't do anything like that again and that he will be open and honest etc... And will work hard to regain my trust. Fast forward a few weeks and I find out that the gossip he has been telling me about the people at his work is not about the woman he said but actually the women from the original text message. When I found out I was very upset. His defence was that he wanted to talk to me but didn't want to mention this woman because he knew how upset I would be. So he has promised no more lies, no more keeping things etc.... However we were at a kids party yesterday and he had taken some pics on his phone, I asked to look through them and I started to look back over other pictures and come across a picture of this woman. I had seen it before and told him that I didn't like it on his phone and he said he would delete it, he didn't delete it straight away and when I asked him a few weeks back he told me he had deleted it. Yesterday he said he thought he had but that is obviously not the truth.
So he has suggested we go to counselling. To have someone else with an outside perspective advise us. He is adamant that he wants us to work and at the present feels like we are in crisis. I have never had experience of counselling so have no idea if it would work for us.
I am on anti-depressants and have been since late January after all this just be mane too much for me to cope with.
Any one with any experience or advise?
What do you want from counselling?
And what is there to save in your marriage?
Counselling is not a plaster to keep couples together: it is an environment where each partner can state their needs, and see if those needs can be met within the couple. What counsellors DON'T do is assign blame, or give instructions on what to do: you have to come to your own decisions yourself.
From what you describe, you don't trust him, and he is deceitful and breaks your trust (so your lack of trust seems pretty well justified). This goes beyond unmet needs, to be frank. Do you want to stay married to someone who has proven that you cannot trust him?
That's basically the question that counselling would lead you to, I think.
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