How to forgive and move on?

[CakeWillDo]

My Dh and I are currently attending counselling together, although its early days. He's happy and I'm not. But both willing to work to make it better. We have started to address his need to be in control and right all the time and making me feel uncomfortable and wanting to leave if it carries on. Now I know that is bad enough, but we haven't (in counselling yet) talked about my other issue.
While pregnant with DC1 he essentially abandoned me for the pregnancy. I suffered hyprenesis and spd throughout. he would do practical things but that was it. He would take DSC out every weekend to his mums and leave me at home. I wasn't able to get out if bed and really should have been in hospital. I was desperately lonely and would have left if able. Any chat about it fell on deaf ears. He said horrible things when i tried to get him involved in the arrival. I wasnt allowed to sort babies room until the last minute. When DC1 arrived he gamed for 7 weeks and didn't really engage. But despite all this we got back on track. We were happy again. I know why this all happened. (will have to nc after this as will out me) but he lost his first daughter at 18months. I have always been understanding with this, I can't imagine the pain he feels. Around anniversaries he becomes withdrawn and I look after him, listen when he needs to talk and help him out of it. I will always be here for him. He hates the hospital and will avoid it if he can, which I very much get. I thought after small talks about his behaviour he was more aware. so DC2 was planned and the day I showed him the pregnancy test it all started again. but worse I had the same problems which was expected. He had no interest in the arrival which crushed me again. But this time i was given the.medical help I needed and had numerous hospital admissions. This is what I can't get over. DH left me alone in hospital. I had a few admissions for early contractions and he didn't come in. I spent 4 hours one night waiting in an assessment room, while he took clients out from work. I was scared and alone again. I had to get myself to hospital and home again on more than 2 occasions. I know why he didn't want to be there but I needed him. again for 7 weeks after birth he gamed and didn't engage. only this time baby was ill with cmpi, so it was harder. I know he has had a terible loss, but I can't get past him abandoning me when I needed him most. while making me fit around DSC and him. even when I was possibly in premature labour. Is this as unforgivable as I feel right now or am I being heartless. Its caused me to be guarded with him and very much resent him.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Whether someone else would forgive or not is immaterial. Your resentment is real and valid. Were you specific about the help and support you needed at the time - did you ask? - or did you assume that he'd prioritise you?

[CakeWillDo]

I told him how I was feeling. He listened but nothing changed. Everything was a fight with him to do stuff for DC's arrivals. Basically when I'm pregnant he becomes massively depressed and fearful I guess which I understand. If I spoke about feeling alone, he would occasionally take me out and then go straight back to the withdrawing emotional support. In the end I gave up asking if he was coming to hospital. He noted that I withdrew from him and became very upset. I spelt it out I had been taken in with contractions too early and I had to cope alone. His response was I was in hospital, baby didn't arrive so he assumed I was fine. but that seems so alien to me. Is it normal for a husbanf to do that and take client's out from work while his wife is in deliver suite being monitored?

[Gettingmeback]

I don't have much advice but didn't want to read and run. It breaks my heart to here what you've been through. I pictured you alone at the hospital and can't believe someone who loves you could leave you like that. Grief can effect people in profound ways, but I must say I'm not convinced it's just that. It's like he resents you (not sure if that is off track). Regardless, he has chosen to be in a relationship and he chose to have more children so he needs to be able to support you as such. I would struggle to forgive him. I would need total acknowledgement from him that he let me down and a massive effort on his part to show his love and support. Even then I fear I would never get passed the pain. I hope counselling can help you decide where to from here.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Most people would be worried enough to stay with their loved one in hospital and prioritise them over clients. If he was depressed and fearful he may well have taken the view that you were in the hands of professionals and that he wasn't going to add anything positive to the outcome - and used the work-related stuff as a distraction. Some do. However, if you specifically asked him to be there and he chose not to be there that really isn't understandable in the context of a loving relationship.

[CakeWillDo]

Me talking to DH about this was what got him to agree to counselling. (previous thread I had explains his reluctance) He accepts that it will have affected our relationship. but I doubt he understands how much. Although he did say he should have had counselling after DC1 to stop it happening agian. So he knows he did it. but this hasn't made me feel any better.

[CakeWillDo]

I just have no idea how to go forward. I want out marriage to work. Will talking about how much he hurt me be enough to get past it all. We aren't having anymore DC's for various reasons. One being I wouldn't be prepared to go through it all again. I have no idea how he can get my trust in him back to where it was.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

The way he gets your trust back, I would suggest, is acknowledging that you are very hurt by his neglect on the one hand and then making a sustained and special effort to prioritise you on the other. That said, if you find you can't trust him again, it may be better to call time on the relationship than live in a state of resentment.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

I haven't read your other thread yet but I gather that it's quite normal for want of a better word to feel rather low before you start noticing the benefit of counselling. When you say, he is happy and you're not, he must have clocked how deeply hurt you were when you withdrew from him, and clearly didn't like that - does he think you should let this go, bygones etc - are you watching and listening to him at the sessions, seeing how he open he is about this?

It sounds as if part of his controlling nature may come from that terrible loss, he could be trying to convince himself things are within his power to contain and keep going. Understandably imo you feel he let you down badly at your most vulnerable time.

[CakeWillDo]

Cogito, I really hope it doesn't come to that. But my barriers are so far up now I'm finding it hard to enjoy time together as I should. Feeling that way makes me sad. like I'm the barrier to us being happy and should just get over it.

Donkey, he doesn't really go in depth with things. He said to the counsellor 'I'm not very good with pregnancy'. He rolled it all into that sentence to explain it. So we obviously have a lot of work in that area to get him to see the hurt he caused me. He has always been controlling since a small child. But it hadn't occurred to me that it may be worse because of his loss. That would make sense and is perhaps something we can work on. I need him to be more relaxed or we won't last anyway. but he is trying and has aknowledged that. I just want it to all be done and us to be ok again.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

A lot of 'shoulds' in that first paragraph. If you think it's obligatory that you have to put this behind you, get over it, 'move on' etc then it's akin to saying your feelings are unimportant. You describe him already as controlling, and the 'I'm not good with pregnancy' excuse is incredibly contemptuous. So don't start making his arguments for him.

Swallowing anger like that is already leading to huge resentment and it could lead to illness, depression, all kinds of things. So express yourself, demand an apology and don't back down. Dealing with this assertively will determine the course of your relationship in future.

[CakeWillDo]

I know your right. It's definitely an issue I have, avoiding confrontation in case I'm overreacting. I've only begun to adress all this after coming out if my depression following DC2's birth. His treatment of me certainly contributed to that. I realised that I had been better a while before and his attitude was making me feel depressed and inferior I suppose. All bad for a relationship, so we're in counselling to adress that. Our first session showed his control issues straight away. My heart sank as I listened to him talk. I felt like all my worries aren't unfounded and its a scary prospect.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Have just read the thread you alluded to, he sounds more manipulative than I got from this thread. It's like a series of dominoes, not just his response to each pregnancy, but subsequent behaviour.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Worries are rarely unfounded. It's taken some harsh experiences for you to see this person's true colours and you're now realising that your depression, doubts and anxieties are not unreasonable but as a result of living in the highly stressful state he creates. You now have a choice how to deal with it and those are roughly.... a) suppress the knowledge and carry on avoiding conflict .... b) challenge the behaviour, operate zero tolerance and be assertive .... c) reject the person subjecting you to controlling behaviour.

All of the above are 'scary' but I would suggest that suppressing your feelings, putting up with more of this & heading further into depression is the scariest of all.

[CakeWillDo]

Donkey, it certainly adds up yes. I was more aware of my situation after reading the relationship board and certain situations / occurrences striking a chord with me. I've been depressed in the past. But I've also been well for a while. Being off anti d's has allowed me to see how much the relationship was in favour of DH and appeasing his need to be in control. I'm building my confidence back up now, but that goes hand in hand with my barriers being up.

[CakeWillDo]

its very scary and it's getting harder each day. I now expect all aspects of day to day life will cause his control issue to be raised. Thas a sad situation to be in. I feel bad now as he is trying hard to not do it and be more reasonable. He's really worried I will leave and to be honest I think about it every day now. Not in a 'grass is greener' kind of way. More sadness at the possibility I may have to leave and break my family. I know he loves me that has never been a question. He's aware of how all his behaviour makes me feel and he was shocked. I want to try everything I can to make us work and he is saying the same. but his actions will be what decides it really. He's not normally one to work on the relationship. I suggest outings, date nights and trying to keep the spark so to speak. He's happy to just be in the same room and other things are just a bonus. Although hes trying now, but is that a permanent thing? I do love him and want to be happy with him. but it all adds up to not a good place. I have 2DC to consider and don't want to be the cause of their and DH hearbreak if I choose option C Cogito. Option a has been done, so it leaves b.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

That bereavement, shocking as it was, wasn't an excuse for him to avoid taking responsibility for his actions. Being shocked at the depth of your feelings isn't enough, and I don't think you're being heartless to mull over how you feel about him. If he's been chipping away at your confidence it's unreasonable of him to expect you to do all the spadework now.

Just wondering, do you have a social life outside your relationship? Do you have any close family living nearby? How about if you make them aware of the situation and have them on call should anything happen.

I'm not at all au fait with gaming but was once told that to kick is to disconnect a player from a game, either by software or by players. Your H doesn't seem to appreciate that you are close to calling it a day.

Keep up the counselling for now but if the counsellor gives you and H 'homework' make sure he gives it proper attention.

[CakeWillDo]

I have a small social circle. See friends during the week and once a month a night at someones house. I have recently started going to the gym and I'm loving it. It's nice to have something just for me. My DB is aware of whats going on. I told him everything a few weeks ago. He encouraged counselling. Although he's not close by, I can always go to his if I need to. Only family here is DH's DM.

[CakeWillDo]

Well last night we talked and everything was laid out for him. The neglect and how he hurt me. I may have been to quick to put his behaviour down to grief. Turns out he figured I'd be fine in hospital as they would look after me. Im reeling form that revelation .He's said he's sorry and doesn't remember all of what i said, as it wasn't as emotinally significant to him at the time as it was me. He asked for one more chance. I will try, but today I have been so low. I take this is normal when you bring everything to the surface? I feel so sad that all the hurt wasn't just me being a drama queen. More a case that I appear to have married a very selfish man . any advice Cogito? you have a way with words.

[wyrdyBird]

So sorry, Cake...I'm sure you are reeling. There's nothing worse than attributing someone's absence to intolerable pain, and finding it was actually ... well, indifference, perhaps.

I know a couple who lost a child in very sad circumstances. Neither used it as an excuse to withdraw, or play games, when the next child came along. Quite the reverse.

So I think you've been, if anything, too understanding of him. If he wants to be in control, to be right all the time, but doesn't offer support when you really need it and says horrible things, he doesn't sound much like a loving husband. He's got a lot of work to do before he becomes one.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

I'm glad you are close to your DB and have a life outside the home. Can quite see it was a shock hearing that at best, denseness not grief was to blame for DH's unwillingness to give you his care and attention. Seven weeks' gaming each time post-birth did sound excessive even for somone apparently not thinking straight.

[AnyFucker]

One more chance, love ? He will let you down again. If you need to put yourself through that one more time to prove something to yourself then so be it. But the outcome will be the same

[CakeWillDo]

I'm very much afraid that will be the case AnyFucker. But I want to know I did everything to try and rebuild a happy home, before ending it. But also give him a chanve with the knowledge if hanges don't occur he's out. Hopefully the fright of me wanting to leave (never been the case before) will be a wake up call it seems to have been. It may well be wishful thinking but I sincerely hope not. The alternative is a scary one.

[AnyFucker]

I wish you all the best x