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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Lone parent and I've met someone. I want to keep him in a childfree bubble but...

14 replies

NotaDragonsEgg · 09/03/2014 08:25

He is lovely and we can see each other a few times a week when ds is not with me. I am really having fun! (which is a bloody miracle considering what I have been through the last few years)

Problem is, he has a big opportunity to go and work on the other side of the world, starting this summer.

It is very early days but he is made it clear he is keen on me, wants children, even someone else's etc etc. I like him a lot but am definately protecting myself from falling for him (abusive exh).

Ds is 3 and not the easiest child. New Guy has no idea of the reality of children and I like just being able to have fun with him, have a break from single parenthood for a few hours.

He has mentioned he could not go on his trip. But can I expect him to make that decision without having any idea about what ds / family time is like?

Its not up to me obviously to decide if he goes. But I feel like of course, he likes the me who turns up in his bed every few days but the me who had to abandon dinner last night to deal with ds' poo problems - not so attractive!

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pinkfluffypoodleface · 09/03/2014 08:32

I'm really pleased you have found someone :)

Forgive me for being rude but what you here is a fuck buddy, not a relationship as such & there's nothing wrong with that, I've had a couple myself.

How long is the other side of the world trip?

It depends what you want really, if you want to keep your relationship at this level then its fine. If you want a traditional relationship then he will have to get down & muck in with your household routine. If he finds it too much then there is a risk he will go but tbh if you're looking for a partner then he's not the right man if he goes....

Start him off gently, invite him for a meal when he can meet the kids but not when they're meltdowny or tired & irritable.

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NotaDragonsEgg · 09/03/2014 08:44

I know its great isn't it! But he is looking for a traaditional relationship ultimately. Not sure if I can go down that road again after my ex.

We could carry on like this til he goes or try and make things more established.

A year or two, could be permenant.

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NotaDragonsEgg · 09/03/2014 08:47

The other issue is I have an agreement with my ex that we don't introduce new people for a set amount of time, which will be a few weeks before New Guy is due to leave.

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JeanSeberg · 09/03/2014 08:55

Treat this as a great introduction to dating again after ending your abusive marriage. Enjoy the fun till he leaves. If he's really keen you can visit him abroad and he can come home for holidays.

But realistically I don't think this will be your next permanent relationship.

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Qix · 09/03/2014 09:01

Just because a relationship is great, doesn't mean it has to be permanent. You already have misgivings about his long term suitability so just enjoy it whilst it lasts.

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NotaDragonsEgg · 09/03/2014 09:13

I know it does seem too difficult to progress it. Great for a few months is certainly not to be sniffed at.

I only have misgivings because he has no experience of children, to be fair.

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Hissy · 09/03/2014 09:32

How new is this new guy.

Don't drop your guard because of this work thing. See how things go. You'll have skype etc, and perhaps can plan a trip to see him if you feel that's appropriate.

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Dahlen · 09/03/2014 10:33

This is obviously a newish relationship if you haven't introduced him to your DC and are still at the couple-of-times-a-week stage of dating.

There are people who meet each other and "just know". There are far more who think they know, act on that knowledge and then come to regret it.

Truth is, you barely know each other. He knows you even less, because while no mother is defined by her children, they form a huge part of your life and your identity. He only knows a fraction of you really.

Personally, I think he would be absolutely bonkers to give up such a fantastic opportunity for a woman he barely knows (no reflection on you as a person; just the timeframe involved). So much so, that it would worry me enormously why he was prepared to do that. Could he really be in love so much with someone he barely knows? (Admittedly he could.) Or could it be that he's the sort of needy person who can only define himself through relationships? Or is he a manipulator or even another abuser who is currently in charm offensive mode but may well revert to type later down the line, once you and DC are hooked in, who constantly throws the "look what I sacrificed" line at you every time you dare to go against what he wants.

It's great that you've talked about hypothetical futures - marriage, children, etc - and I think more relationships would benefit from that, but the comment about "wants children, even someone else's etc etc" just doesn't sit right to me: too much of a declaration too soon I feel. But that's just my opinion of course.

It's your life and ultimately you should do what feels right. You know yourself and him much better than I do. All I can do is tell you what I'd do in this situation, and that is encourage him to go. If your relationship is to be upset by bad timing, c'est la vie. There are others out there for you and for him, and if the connection between you is really that strong, you'll find a way of continuing the relationship long enough for one of you to make the decision that relocation needs to be considered if you are to take the next step.

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Lweji · 09/03/2014 10:40

Right, I think introducing people should mean telling the children they are partners and into their home lives. I think it should be possible to introduce people as friends, as you would other friends or people you spend time with.
How long have you been together? If a few weeks, then I'd say it's really early days to make any kind of decision, but if it's going on, say, 6 months, then it does make sense for both to meet casually and see what happens.

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Lweji · 09/03/2014 10:42

but the me who had to abandon dinner last night to deal with ds' poo problems - not so attractive!

Did he say anything, or was he upset? Or is it you who thought it was unattractive?

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NotaDragonsEgg · 09/03/2014 15:39

Lwejji, it wasn't dinner with him. We'd been out for dinner the night before and I was just musing if he had been invited the next night, what a non-parent would make of cooking dinner and then leaving it on the table while you camp out in the bathroom reading stories to a constipated dc for half an hour. It was a bit of a contrast to the night before.

Dahlen, I agree absolutely about only knowing a fraction of me, that is what I meant above. It was me who asked about children and said someone else's, as I wanted to know where I stood, it is a problem for some people.

I have done a lot of 'work' on myself and what I am willing to put up with, since splitting with ex. We have had a couple of very minor issues and the way it has been dealt with has not set any alarm bells ringing so far.

Like I said it is very early days, only a few months in. We have said we would just ignore it for a while longer and carry on having fun. Seems like that is the sensible option for now.

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Lweji · 09/03/2014 18:02

Maybe you should try to leave in a child emergency and see what happens. :)

Does he deal well if you have to change plans because of the children, or have you not yet had time for anything to happen?

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MeMySonAndI · 09/03/2014 18:17

May I ask how long would he be expected to work abroad if he takes that fantastic opportunity? If the answer is a couple of months you may be worrying a little bit too much, as it is perfectly workable as long as there is a good access to internet.

If this is more like "a couple of years" abroad, well... Don't get too attached, enjoy this time, and let him go when he is ready to leave.

By the way, you have mentioned that you're holding back because of your previous experience, I am somewhat convinced that what is holding you back is not your past but that somewhere deep in you you know he is not the right guy for you. If that is the case, it may be kinder on both of you just to move on.

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NotaDragonsEgg · 09/03/2014 19:21

Yes I have had to cancel twice because of dc, he was very nice about it even though he had re-arranged work to see me. Also when I have been late due to clingyness.

Its flexible, could be a year or two, theoreticaly he could stay.

Deep down I know I am consciously stopping myself being into him because I didn't expect to meet someone I clicked with and I don't know if I can trust someone again.