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DP confessed he's been lying about his feelings all along

(68 Posts)
fourlegstwolegs Sat 08-Mar-14 21:40:14

We've been together for two years. We had an (unplanned) DS who is the light of both our lives. Last night DP announced that for the last two years he has been telling me what I wanted to hear and what he thought would make me happy (ie that he was happy, wanted a future together, to get married, have more children).
He said he WANTED to want all of those things but doesn't (with me). He says something is "missing" but can't explain what.
He also said he was happier with his ex than he is with me, only occasionally misses me when we aren't together, but says he does love me.
He dumped his previous two long term partners because he didn't want to marry them. He is now almost 36....

I am stunned as I never saw this coming. He always seemed happy and was so involved with my life and my family. He was in tears but I suspect more at the prospect of missing his son, than missing me.

He's gone away for work for a fortnight (abroad) and suggested counselling when he gets back. He says he wants to make it work but can't make himself feel what he wants to feel.
He also said he has been wanting to tell me since very early on but once I got pregnant felt morally compelled to stay.
I thought he stayed with me because he wanted to be with me...

I'm just so sad for me and for our little son. I so wanted a proper stable upbringing for him, and the prospect of him spending time with separate parents in separate houses that would be hours apart fills me with horror and sadness.

I'm just so upset sad

Coelacanth Sun 09-Mar-14 08:47:34

He wants to go with me i.e. he wants you to take responsibility.

He should go alone, sort himself out.

Snoozybird Sun 09-Mar-14 08:48:26

The fact he's dropped this bombshell on you just as he buggers off abroad leaving you to stew for two weeks is cowardly at best, but I agree with PP's that he's given himself permission to be single whilst he's away so he can try out OW without being accountable to you.

Even if there's no one else involved and he's just a commitment-phobe it's still a really shitty way to behave towards you and his son. Not sure whether counselling could do much to address such horrible behaviour, in your shoes I'd seriously consider the future of your relationship especially as you don't live together.

Sorry you are having to go through this, remember any decisions you make can be made at our own pace, don't let him dictate your future.

Snoozybird Sun 09-Mar-14 08:49:24

* your own pace

Finola1step Sun 09-Mar-14 09:01:39

Go to counselling, on your own.

This is a man who "plays" the family man role but never can be. I think it is interesting that he doesn't live with you full time. So his job is in London and you and ds live an hour or so away. Do people commute where you live? Why did he choose to stay in London and stay with you at weekends?

He has never been committed to you. He never will. When he comes back, tell him that the relationship is over. That he is no longer welcome to stay at yours. That he can have weekend access to your ds but not over nights for the time being. Make sure his London pad is suitable for overnight access before ds stays.

Discuss and agree financial support for your ds. Might be worth seeing a solicitor while he is away to get some advice.

Oh and if he's got keys to yours, get them back or change the locks. Bag up all his stuff, ready for collection. He has laid his cards on the table. Time for you to take some control.

Coelacanth Sun 09-Mar-14 09:03:31

I agree with Finola the way to play this is with a completely straight bat.

newlifeforme Sun 09-Mar-14 09:12:25

I'm so sorry its happened.You must be in shock however I can reassure you that as your son is young its actually easier for you both to go forwards with life.You will be happy again.

There doesn't seem much point in joint counselling if he has decided he doesn't want to continue.It will be heartbreaking for you to have hopes raised if he has no intention of continuing.If he has done this once before I encourage you to take him at his word this time.Your self esteem and health will be affected being in a relationship with a man who has mostly checked out.

Branleuse Sun 09-Mar-14 09:16:31

somethings up. He may not have felt the spark, but he wouldnt have been with you if he didnt love or care in some ways.

MyNameIsKenAdams Sun 09-Mar-14 09:21:02

But if you dont live together, he hasnt ever been comitted to this relationship, imo. He sounds like a commitmentphobe.

At least the separation will be easier in practical terms.

fourlegstwolegs Sun 09-Mar-14 09:38:42

Branleuse I know...I know he cares and I know he loves me, just not ENOUGH. As he himself said. My mother is totally shocked and also thinks there's something else going on.

I can't see how he would have managed to fit in an OW, but I suppose where there is a will there is a way. He was in London 3 nights a week but I was always there for one of them.

I do wonder if there is someone else in that hotel with him...I have no way of finding out though.

And yes, this a huge commuter area. Masses of people take the train into London every day (including my immediate neighbour). He could have done it but didn't want to.

MaryWestmacott Sun 09-Mar-14 09:41:45

Agree with Finola's plan. If he's just having some sort of crisis about not wanting to be a grown up, that might shock him into realising this is real.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 09-Mar-14 09:44:45

Loving 'not enough' is such a weaselly & cruel sentiment. Like 'I don't love you in the same way any more'. It's so insulting and demeaning. If he was honest at least you'd know where you stood.

JohnFarleysRuskin Sun 09-Mar-14 09:44:53

Agree with finola- the alternative is dancing to his tunes for ages and ages.

KatieScarlett2833 Sun 09-Mar-14 09:49:29

He's self serving and cruel.
If his blatherings are true he has strung you along for the entirety of your relationship. You had a child with him under false pretences, FFS.
He doesn't love you enough?
Boo fucking hoo.
Love yourself more and tell him where to stick his lying arse.

MaryWestmacott Sun 09-Mar-14 09:51:22

oh and definately re the solicitor, I'm sure he's expecting to retain control over this situation, that you are taking over might scare him slightly.

FWIW, DH's old flat mate did done something similar to his DW, basically admited he got married and had a baby because it's what his family expecting him to do and it's not how he wants to live his life, no one else involved (or at least, they officially split up over a year ago and there's still no new girlfriend who might have been the OW, I'd have expected a new girlfriend who he's "just got together with" to arrive in the first few months if he had been having an affair). It's sad that so many people feel they have to 'conform' - doing what htey think is the right thing really ends up hurting far more people than if they'd just been honest with themselves/everyone else about not really wanting the main society 'ideal' for middle age.

TheHoneyBadger Sun 09-Mar-14 10:03:14

how awful to tell you before he goes away.

and what does it say about him? would you want your child looked after by someone who you'd just dropped a bombshell on and would likely be in pieces? examine that because it tells you the level of concern and true sense of love and responsibility he feels towards his child too sadly.

he has dumped this and walked away leaving you gutted and his child in the sole care of someone he's just devastated.

i'm afraid i too would say there's someone else, either already actively involved or lined up in the wings.

olathelawyer05 Sun 09-Mar-14 10:37:18

If there is someone else, it seems highly unlikely that HE would be suggesting counselling ....which risks dragging out his exit we're you to actually agree to it.

Branleuse Sun 09-Mar-14 10:38:03

hes dropped it on you so he can shag abroad with what he feels is a clear conscience

Branleuse Sun 09-Mar-14 10:38:51

i feel for you. i think this is more about how hw feels right now, rather than how hes always felt

Coelacanth Sun 09-Mar-14 11:14:54

If it is more about how he feels for you right now and he did, in fact, love you before……then he's still lying and trying to give himself the all clear to shag someone else I think.

fourlegstwolegs Sun 09-Mar-14 13:36:33

Well, he called me from far away land, refused to go to a counsellor on his own, saying the problem was me and not him.

Our little boy saw his face on the screen and was smiling and trying to touch him. It broke my heart.

I told him we had to go cold turkey and that he couldn't call me every day and pretend like we were a happy family. He wanted to skype every day to see the boy but it's too hard for me.

This is so awful sad

Lizzabadger Sun 09-Mar-14 13:46:01

He sounds like a dick. You will be well rid.
I hope you have RL support.

ShedWood Sun 09-Mar-14 13:52:06

What an arse, the problem isn't you - you are the constant one here. He's the one who has admitted to stringing you along and lying about his feelings, how can the problem possibly be yours???

Well done on the cold turkey suggestion, he can't have it all ways I.e. Say he doesn't want to be with you, but want you around to call everyday.

Two weeks of no contact may just highlight to him exactly what he stands to lose, but in fairness it sounds like he's had one foot out of the door since the start of you relationship, so if I was you I'd send him on his way - you really deserve more than he's offering you.

tribpot Sun 09-Mar-14 13:57:41

refused to go to a counsellor on his own, saying the problem was me and not him.

What the fuck! How could the problem be you? It sounds like he's changed his tune since he's arrived abroad, wasn't he somewhat more contrite during the initial conversation?

It doesn't really sound like you've ever had a full committed relationship with this man, not surprisingly given he is clearly what Bridget Jones would describe as a 'commitment phobicity nightmare'. You live in different cities. He doesn't do the daily commute from where you are because he doesn't want to, (and likewise you haven't moved your life to where he is either, although I would assume cost had quite a bearing on that?). He drops this bombshell on you at the perfect time to sod off abroad to have a two week pity party, leaving you reeling and unable to get answers.

Plus he has form for this. How long were his previous relationships where he eventually called it quits because he didn't want to get married?

Why would he need to see your ds every day from abroad when he can't be arsed seeing him every day whilst in the UK? Do you Skype every day whilst he's in London?

There's no reason why he can't remain a part of ds' life if he chooses to - given ds is used to him not being around all week the difference may not be that huge.

Chin up and definitely don't do daily Skypings to assuage his guilt. Let him stew.

fourlegstwolegs Sun 09-Mar-14 14:12:52

I couldn't move to London because my business is based here. He knew that from the beginning. He can work from anywhere really so could have left London at any time.
He does facetime/skype normally from London to see me and the boy.
But no, he can jolly well stew now.

tribpot Sun 09-Mar-14 14:17:55

Oh right, so he's not even tied to an office in London? Sounds like he preferred having his cake and eating it (family life part-time, bachelor life part-time) and knew there was a time limit that he could keep stringing you along on 3 days a week.

When he left you during the pregnancy, did you have to beg him to come back? I wonder if that's what he wants/expects this time as well.

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