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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Dating disaster 101

15 replies

Rainbowsandoysters · 06/03/2014 15:26

I torpedoed myself on a date recently with a man I adore.

He was very romantic, kept talking about us and everything he liked about me ( everything) , held my hands across the table, reminded me of past times, I've been dreaming of this for months. I spent the whole day before the date in a panic as I knew he was planning some romance. I just didn't realise how full on.

I was so nervous I interrupted him, changed the subject, even when he dragged it back to how much he adored me) talked about my impending divorce, breast feeding ( no fucking idea how I even dragged that in) and generally made sure he thought I was a flake and he was making a big mistake:(

I just wasn't ready for it. He hasn't been in touch ( no shit Sherlock) except to say he will see me again soon and it was wonderful to see me and thank you for a lovely romantic evening. And yes, I've sent him a few texts trying to smooth things over to which he ignored, and have stopped now:(

I keep having flashbacks to what an idiot I was and I just feel like shit. The poor man laid himself out there and its exactly what I have been waiting for and I buggered it up. I am my own worst enemy.

And yes I did sleep with him and it was amazing and I told him so, plus I told him I loved him, wouldn't let him sleep ( fidgeted all night) and even when he told me how happy he was to be on my arms I couldn't stfu.

What is wrong with me? :(((

If he ever talks to me again I'll be lucky won't i?:(

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LittleBlueMouse · 06/03/2014 15:40

I don't think you have done anything wrong, I don't think you could have done anything different and I don't think he was genuine, sorry.

I could have written this two weeks ago, almost word for word and when I reflect upon it now, I realise I was played. So much so, I wonder whether we met the same man!

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niceupthedance · 06/03/2014 15:59

Sorry but my first thought was that he was sweet-talking you into bed :(

I wouldn't blame it on anything you said or did. He sounds well out of order.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/03/2014 15:59

Lucky? To be honest he sounds suffocating. How many dates have you had with Mr Heart On Sleeve?

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DirtyLittleSecrets · 06/03/2014 16:20

How long have you known him? It seems very flaky of him to sleep with you, tell you how wonderful you are and then just bugger off. I agree with the others, I'm sorry to say, but I think he was sweet talking you into bed :(

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mcmooncup · 06/03/2014 16:20

Sorry, what exactly was it that was so wonderful about him?

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deelite72 · 06/03/2014 16:32

"Talked about my impending divorce". Honey, get through that first, seriously. I've been there. If it's of any comfort, I did exactly the same as you. I was going through a divorce and finally dated a guy who had been chasing me, flattering me, making me feel like I was going to be crowned queen and sit upon the highest branch of his family tree. He wanted 6 kids together, he 'loved' me. Three dates later, never heard from him again. I was a wreck during the last date. I squeezed lemon in my eye, choked on my food, fell off the chair (not even drunk at all), talked about my ex, motherhood, by big feet. It was a disaster! I was not cool and in control. I look back and I cringe. You're not even aware of the place you're in right now because it's impossible to see the forest for the trees. People will advise you to get your leg over, get back up on the horse, build your confidence up post divorce by dating. No no no. I lived it. I learned it. I remarried later and have absolutely loved marriage the second time around. It's been all I ever hoped it would be. But after a handful of foolish experiences following my divorce, I decided to get happy with me first and not make it about men at all until I healed. I needed some 'me' time. I focused on my kid. I got a better job, met up with friends, and just started enjoying life again...not men... just living. It's just my experience and it may not be right for you. Guys really, really take advantage of women going through divorce, trust me. It's sad, but true. Don't blame yourself. Cut him loose and get through this tough time. Come out stronger! Good luck!

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Rainbowsandoysters · 06/03/2014 16:33

We were together for a couple of years about ten years ago. We split amicably due to careers and age. I married very quickly ( I realise on the rebound now) but the marriage has not been a happy one, and I have 2 small dc.

Me and this man made contact again a few years ago on and off, as friends, and when last year I realised my dh was a cheating scumbag, he has been there for me all the way but as a friend. A few weeks ago he said he realised how much we missed by not staying together and he felt he should tell me now and not wait til the divorce, ( I had confessed to him that I had been asked out by someone and wasn't sure if I should wait) and we arranged to meet up to see how we got on. He couldn't wait anymore, he said, and risk losing me.

I was extremely overwhelmed by how strong my feelings were when I saw him for the first time after such a long time. I didn't realise how much I missed him and the strength of that floored me. All the memories came back and it felt as though it was 2 weeks ago we last saw each other, not ten years.

He remembered everything about us, and reminisced a lot - I was shocked by everything he remembered, i had forgotten a lot tbh, it was as though he'd kept a diary then or something. Honestly, it was quite weird. I had no idea he had been holding a candle for so long. Or had he? I'm worried now, maybe it was all bullshit and he just wanted sex.

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LittleBlueMouse · 06/03/2014 16:40

How many days has it been since the date and have you heard from him?

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Rainbowsandoysters · 06/03/2014 17:14

The date was early this week and I've heard from him 3 times since then, replying to me.

I was such a flake. I wanted it to be so perfect and he was, it was me that was a disaster. I only had 2 glasses of champagne and I turned into someone else. God I keep cringing with the horror of it.

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taratamara · 06/03/2014 21:03

he sounds a bit smarmy tbh. Just treat it as experience and don't worry about it. He probably enjoyed the breastfeeding chat and it's understandable to mention your divorce since it's still happening. It'll get easier later on further along the line and you'll have other dates don't worry. They can't all be perfect.
The only way is up!

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taratamara · 06/03/2014 21:04

ps don't text him any more! just leave it now

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Rainbowsandoysters · 06/03/2014 23:36

He didn't say anything when I mentioned bf! He just stared at me in amusement and I kind of trailed off:(

I haven't contacted him. We normally text or email everyday or nearly every day and have been for months.

I realise I am being a bit melodramatic and its probably all fine. Hopefully. Unless he is completely repulsed:( Or just said all that stuff to get me into bed.

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inthecloud · 07/03/2014 10:56

I'd say...don't stress. Cut the text messages out and give the guy a call and have a chat with him. You'll see all will be just fine

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deelite72 · 07/03/2014 11:33

oh reading this again... the date was early this week? And you've had contact 3 times? Don't stress. That's a good sign. He's probably a little weirded out because that's just how guys are. Don't call him though, would be my advice. You put yourself out there and made yourself vulnerable. You need to pull back. Stop texting him girl! You look to eager and they run when you appear so. If you call him (he's responding by text to you remember, not the other way around), he'll think you're needy. Gather your pride, wait it out. He'll probably come around. And if not, then it is what it is. Be patient, seriously. Chill out. :-)

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Rainbowsandoysters · 11/03/2014 12:15

I haven't heard from him all weekend, he sent me a message Friday telling me to relax.

He used to contact me every single day:( he was a friend as well, for years so now I wish he hadn't said all that stuff and we were still friends.

I know he is travelling a lot and tbh the time differences are extreme but I just find it really hard. I'm torn between carrying on as normal and facing up to the fact that he didn't mean a word of everything he said and I'm an idiot for believing him.

Why would he do that? He's been privy to the most stressful and miserable time in my life with separation and divorce. He has been amazing and so supportive, before telling me of his feelings once I had left.

Either the memory of me wasn't as good as the rl me now, or he was always hoping to get me into bed and even his support was rubbish, or I'm a stress head and he's genuinely busy and travelling and I should understand like I always did before and it will be fine.

I wish I'd never met up with him now:(