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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Just apologise por favor!!!

16 replies

shey02 · 03/03/2014 22:59

My god, do men EVER just apologise? Or does every little wrong end up a huge ball of shite because they refuse to believe they have done anything wrong?!? Is it genetic?

*Apologies for men without this unfortunate disease/affliction. :D

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WhateverTrevor83 · 03/03/2014 23:51

Hey,
I've been with my DP ten years and we are both v stubborn - only been in the last 2 or 3 years we've learned to hold our hands up and admit we're wrong / apologise when we're out of order.

What's he done??

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Dirtybadger · 03/03/2014 23:56

Well it's better he doesn't apologise if he doesn't think he's done anything wrong, than apologise and not mean it (thus just carry on the same way). What's he done? When he realises he's wrong (assuming he is)- does he then apologise?

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shey02 · 04/03/2014 08:51

I really value apologies, I'd never give one without meaning it, but I give them frequently if I've wronged or made a mistake or been insensitive. The quicker you do it, the less harm the initial thing causes IMHO. He has so many complications with his kids and a hostile ex. that it feels like there's no room in his life for any problems of mine. It can take him days, a week to even come to the realisation that he's done something wrong. Even then it's sorry I've upset you, not sorry for a, b or c...

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shey02 · 04/03/2014 08:53

He just cuts me out of his life and arrangements with his kids at the last minute, but involves his family... I don't get it and he doesn't get why I get upset. :(

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Anniegetyourgun · 04/03/2014 08:56

Sounds like an awful lot of baggage, which you get the privilege of helping him carry. I hope his many excellent qualities make the whole thing worthwhile on balance because it does sound like hard work. Relationships are supposed to be, like, you know, mutual support.

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Lweji · 04/03/2014 09:03

Do you live together?

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Lweji · 04/03/2014 09:04

And what exactly are you upset about?

Is it that he cancelled at the last minute?
That he doesn't involve you with his children?

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shey02 · 04/03/2014 10:44

Yes, loads of baggage unfortunately. And yes, Lweji, both, it's an ongoing pattern and it's the lack of equality. We don't live together, but my dc and him are very close. He is our family and in our lives when he is not with his dc. I'd never treat him like this, ever. He does not know what it feels like. All I wanted was an apology for his insensitivity, or the change of plans or excluding us, what I got was WW3, what about me?? I've got loads to deal with without you having a go, etc......... Feels like nothing matters but him and his problems. Even though this is an ongoing thing, I'd have settled for a sorry, I really would have.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/03/2014 10:51

"Even though this is an ongoing thing, I'd have settled for a sorry, I really would have".

Really?. Relationships should not be such hard work honestly. What on earth do you see in this unreconstructed excuse for a man, he is a complete whinger who really only cares about his own self and his own needs being met.

What needs of yours are being met here by this individual?. He has more baggage than a mountaineering team going up Everest!. Also how do you know that his ex is hostile or is that assumption only based on what he has deigned to tell you?.

Many men do apologise, you're just with someone who does not really care about your feelings at all.

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struggling100 · 04/03/2014 10:55

Not all men are like that!

My DH is terrible for being the reverse. Sometimes if I am dead tired or have PMS or whatever, I will say something to him a bit more sharply than I should. He immediately starts apologising, even if it is completely not his fault and I am being unreasonable. In the end, I have to laugh and say 'Oh for God's sake, I'm just being a grumpy cow!' At least it cheers me up.

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struggling100 · 04/03/2014 10:59

Sorry, posted too soon - I meant to go on to say something about your situation (I'm not totally self-absorbed, honest!)... he sounds like he's really stressed and behaving rather selfishly as a result. No excuses for that! And especially not for flying off the handle, rather than dealing with the situation calmly. It sounds like he may be a bit out of his depth managing the complexity of the relationships he's got, and that you're at the blunt end of this.

However, I note that you say that it sometimes takes him a week to realise what he's doing wrong. I'm wondering if this indicates utter self-absorption on his part, or whether you're perhaps not vocalising your upset and discomfort as clearly as he needs to recognise them? I wonder if you can set clearer boundaries to make this easier for him??

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aw11 · 04/03/2014 10:59

Sounds like he thinks he's putting his kids first before anyone else, including you and yours? He probably thinks he doesn't need to apologies for putting them first. It seems a bit short sighted to me!

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Lweji · 04/03/2014 11:00

I sort of understand his side, and I bet you'd prioritise your children over a relationship. I wouldn't get that upset about the cancelling, but get on with my plans and my life. He might find that I would start keeping him at a natural cautious distance, though. Certainly don't bend over to accommodate him, if you ever do.

But then it looks like he's not ready to actually be in a relationship.
Depending on how long the relationship has been going on, the families should start coming together and you should not be excluded but included.
Think carefully. If you are not happy as to how things are going, you can walk away. It's fine.

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shey02 · 04/03/2014 11:47

Thanks everyone for the advice. We're two years in and going backwards not forwards I feel. Much as he says he loves me, wants to marry me, loves my kids etc. His actions speak louder than words. Families should start coming together, but we are not. He is consumed by his ex and her parental alienation of the kids and cannot control it no matter how much I try to help him. It seems he becomes weaker as a result and yep our relationship is suffering. My life with my ex and kids is peaceful and calm. However I no longer voice most of my problems or issues, because he has no time for them and is great at turning things into 'but what about me?' I know I'm lowering the bar here and deserve more, I keep thinking it's a phase and he'll get control of his kids and ex, but I'm not sure.

Thing is when you don't apologise and reject criticism as a reflex, everything is blown out of proportion.

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Lweji · 04/03/2014 12:07

I'm wondering why they split and if she is really alienating them.

Yes, she may be a bitch, but his behaviour about dealing with your problems and diverting attention is raising an eyebrow.

I'd really take a step back, see what he does and evaluate if it was worth keeping the relationship. It would be better to cut it now than later.

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shey02 · 04/03/2014 12:21

Lol Struggling, sounds like you got a good one there! Thank god for those of you with good men who admit their shortcomings. Feeling a bit shortchanged myself. :/

Lweji, your advice is really good about detaching and perhaps treating him as he does me with distance. I know I would feel better probably.

They split amicably and he pays and sees the kids often, everything should be a-ok. Only thing is, he is with me and she is alone and unhappy, so wishes to make us all unhappy. I don't get it, it's not how I behave with my kids and ex. For me happiness is everything.

I don't wish to give her a second thought tbh, all I'm worrying about really is my relationship. He spends so much time managing them, that it seems there's very little emotion left for me. Why do I feel he's not there for me, probably cos he's not. He's got too much on his plate and he can vent on me and I just come back for more. :(