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Estranged brother contacted me on LinkedIn. ..

(29 Posts)
meikyo Mon 03-Mar-14 17:38:20

I have had NC for almost 10 years. He behaved very badly during our DM illness and did not attend her funeral. He had drug and alcohol issues for several years before. He went to her house between her death and funeral and took all items of value...sad but could not be bothered to come to the funeral. I got a request via LinkedIn out of the blue today...unsure whether to ignore. Prior to DM passing he and I rarely saw each other..have v different lives and his drug/alcohol issues and general selfishness was a problem between us.

Sevensev Mon 03-Mar-14 17:40:15

Some people do change behaviour for the better.

meikyo Mon 03-Mar-14 17:45:52

Yes, they do sometimes. My past experience with brother has been he gets in touch when he needs financial or other support. ..

Uptheanty Mon 03-Mar-14 17:49:40

I'd ignore. A request over linkedIn?

Does he know your email, phone number or where you live?

It could've been a drunken impulse that he doesn't even remember & he's already troubling you & taking up headspace.

If he's truly changed he'll have to try harder than that.

Don't fall for it.

Sevensev Mon 03-Mar-14 17:50:12


meikyo Mon 03-Mar-14 17:53:50

He doesn't have any means of contact. I have moved house and job since I last saw him. I am concerned that he now knows where I work.

Uptheanty Mon 03-Mar-14 18:04:45

If it's taken 10 years for him to get this motivated hopefully it may take him another 10 years to take it further.

If he has changed then hopefully he will prove it to you.

Cabrinha Mon 03-Mar-14 19:19:50

Do nothing.
Let's say he's been in rehab, done a shed load of counselling and is ready to ask you to give him a chance to make amends.
If that's the case - he could write you a letter, putting some effort in, and get it to you. If it was important to him, he could find a way to get it to you.
So you lose nothing ignoring him.

I think he's testing the waters though. If you'll accept him on LinkedIn, he'll think he has a chance of getting you on side.

LondonForTheWeekend Mon 03-Mar-14 19:26:39

Alternatively he could have turned his life around (drug addict to linkedIn suggests the possibility) and will take your ignoring him as a continued fuck-off. Do you have a secure way of finding out what the reality is?

Sevensev Mon 03-Mar-14 19:26:43

I am going to guess that he is going to contact you again.

whattodoforthebest2 Mon 03-Mar-14 19:29:53

So if he's on LinkedIn, you can see what he's doing.. if he has a job. Surely if he has, that's a good starting point.

KarenBrockman Mon 03-Mar-14 19:34:24

Have you any mutual friends or family you can ask what is going on with him right now? He may have sorted himself out and you may miss out on a good relationship slim chance I know with him.

meikyo Mon 03-Mar-14 19:52:19

Thanks all for your support. His LinkedIn profile shows he is still freelancing in the same field he has always been industry...Therefore the same temptations as before are likely to be around. He is my only sibling and both parents have passed on. I wouldn't want to exclude a reconciliation if brother has changed but it is a long road back.

whattodoforthebest2 Mon 03-Mar-14 20:12:20

So you could take it very slowly and cautiously to start with, see what he has to say for himself before you make any commitment to meet up or anything? It would be shame if there is potential for a good relationship, but of course you're right to be wary.

Havinganose Mon 03-Mar-14 20:14:58

Was it a real message or generic friend request? If generic, he may have clicked the button to use all his contacts?

AppleYumYum Mon 03-Mar-14 20:25:58

Hold fire, it may be an automatically generated invite and he doesn't realise he's sent it.

You can choose to let LinkedIn access your email address book and invite anyone in there who has a LinkedIn account to be associated with you. Was it just a generic invite? You can choose to write a personal message in the invite if you were really wanting to get back in contact with someone?

Although after his behaviour re the funeral and taking all the items of value, whether he sent the invite or not, I would decline and maintain NC if I were you. If he is really serious then he can do better than a LinkedIn invite!

Cabrinha Mon 03-Mar-14 20:26:17

I still don't see why you should do anything, if he's genuine.
After he's fucked up so badly, it's only going to work out if he cares enough to put real effort it. Effort is not clicking a LinkedIn button. If no reply to that is enough to rebuff him, he wasn't committed do apologising and starting to make amends.

Hence I say ignore.

Good point that he may have selected all contacts without thinking.

AppleYumYum Mon 03-Mar-14 20:26:45

Whoops cross post with Havinganose

AuntieVenom Mon 03-Mar-14 20:37:35

You know that you can now block people on LinkedIn? If you do they can only see the generic public profile and can't message you. Might be worth considering.

Sevensev Mon 03-Mar-14 20:44:23

Forgiveness is a wonderful thing.

Uptheanty Tue 04-Mar-14 05:32:43 is no contact .

Sevensev Tue 04-Mar-14 07:32:48

Forgiveness is a lot better smile

Cabrinha Tue 04-Mar-14 07:40:26

Sevensev you can forgive someone so that you let go of the bitterness that can affect you - but at the same time decide that no contact is the right way to stop an arsehole undoing your generous forgiveness.

Tahdah! Compromise ;)

struggling100 Tue 04-Mar-14 08:02:58

I think it really is up to you: there are no rules for how to manage a situation like this, and no right and wrong.

If it were me, I think I would proceed with trying to rebuild bridges, but I would be ultra, ultra cautious - I don't just mean practically, but emotionally as well. That way, if he has changed, you don't miss an opportunity to have him back in your life, but if he hasn't, then you have walls up to protect yourself and your family.

meikyo Tue 04-Mar-14 19:20:49

Well...I responded to the request....decided to open the door a tiny bit to see if there is any chance of a new start...Got a message from him last night.
Just a few words saying "sorry for being a selfish git, miss you and we have lost so many years".
I havent responded yet. Will take my time.

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