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"Coming Out" without "Coming Out"

(8 Posts)
likethedianarosssong Tue 25-Feb-14 21:03:13

Hopefully the title is self explanatory.

As an adult, how do you 'come out' without having to formally do so? I've always been in relationships with men, but am bisexual. I didn't realise this until shortly before my last LTR (so quite a few years ago) and had hoped, as we all do, that things would last 'forever' and that it was therefore irrelevant, anyway.
People don't need to know. I don't need to tell family- they'll get the message if I bring a woman home or have a relationship with a woman. But I feel like it's extra hard meeting someone when no one knows. If that makes sense. On the other hand I feel like making the effort to properly 'tell' people is making a big thing out of nothing and a bit insulting, too.

Hope this all makes sense sad

MushroomSoup Tue 25-Feb-14 21:14:59

It all makes sense!
And I agree with you - nobody makes a big announcement about being heterosexual, they just turn up with someone on their arm and introduce them!
If I were you, I'd do the same, whether it's male or female.
"Hello family, this is Charlie."
"Is he/she your bf/gf?"
"Yes."
"Nice one."

That's how it works in my family anyway!

ITCouldBeWorse Tue 25-Feb-14 21:32:04

To be fair, if I arrived at a family gathering with a girlfriend, after only previously having boyfriends, I don't think my family would twig.

I think it might be easier to mention to a sensible family member that you are brining your new other half/significant other whatever term you prefer, just to save needing to announce anything.

We often have plus ones who are just pals, so my lot would just assume it was a pal - in fact we call it a ladydate.

likethedianarosssong Tue 25-Feb-14 21:56:06

When the time comes, that'll be fine. If I had a girlfriend I've no real worries about that. But that could be a long way away! Especially as I live in a smallish town where all the women I know believe (I think?) I'm straight. Like an idiot I've tried hinting to some people but I don't think that's worked.
Maybe the answer is getting out more and taking a gamble and putting myself out there but that's a bit scary (with either sex). I plucked up the courage to ask an old school friend out on a "date" but it became evident she hadn't understood what we were out for. Just took it as a catch up to tell me about other relationships sad

ITCouldBeWorse Tue 25-Feb-14 22:04:27

Aw bless, that. must have felt awkward. I do think if you have only dated men so far, you need to go on a ton of dates with women and get practicing dating. I reckon if you bring a date to a family gathering and hold hands, they will catch on

Gormless Wed 26-Feb-14 04:29:41

I do get the point about why should you 'need' to come out; after all, no one makes a big announcement about being heterosexual. However, this is what society assumes to be the 'norm' so of course no announcement is needed. I am gay and before I came out I started to find that my relationships with family and friends weren't as close as they could be because I was withholding an important piece of information about who I was from them. And unless you have reason to fear a bad reaction, coming out is very liberating!

Mousieme Wed 26-Feb-14 08:25:10

Personally I think its what you feel comfortable with and with whom coming from one in a similar place smile

hookedonchoc Wed 26-Feb-14 08:46:48

You've had some great responses already. If you want people to know but don't want to make a big announcement, probably talking about an ex gf is the most direct way. It is easy to bring up in the sort of conversations women often have:

who do you fancy, who was your first bf, what do you think of X famous person coming out, isn't it terrible about Uganda criminalising homosexuals, should we have boycotted the Olympics because of Russia's attitude to homosexuality, etc. You get the picture, there are opportunities to drop it in if you look for them.

I don't know if it's okay to mention other websites, if not hopefully a mod will edit this post. There is a fantastic resource you may have already discovered with a very supportive forum specifically for bisexual women at www.shybi.com. Wishing you well in your journey.

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