counselling hasn't helped

[AngryByrd]

So I feel a bit disturbed; I thought I had left some of these feelings behind.

As a young child and into my teenage years (until I left the family home to go to Uni actually) my father (constantly) and stepmother (sometimes) told me to commit suicide. They would even suggest ways for me to do it. My own mother left my father when I was still newborn so I was always in his care. My stepmother wasn't as bad as my father and often times she would get him to stop harassing me. As I grew older he became more physically violent towards me and insistent on my committing suicide. He didn't hit me often, but would beat down my bedroom door to talk about girls my age who had been brutally murdered, attacked or had committed suicide.

To everyone else he is such a lovely 'happy go lucky' man.

I still have some love towards my stepmother.

My question: I have left the country they live in; I am NC except for when it's necessary (weddings). I have had counselling and yet I am still haunted by these memories.

I want to enjoy my life without these memories creeping up on me without warning. I could be sitting here smiling and happy, instead I am trying to fight horrible flashbacks.

Any tips?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Was your counselling for PTSD?

[AngryByrd]

no, counselling was not for PTSD. Is this what I have?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think so but I'm not a health professional. What you're describing sounds very similar to these poor kids that grow up in war-zones surrounded by death and destruction. Violence, abuse, psychological torture, abandonment ... and your reaction of flashbacks really does sound like that of a trauma survivor. CBT would be appropriate.