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difficulties with emotionally abusive ex, advice please?

4 replies

hoppingElephant · 24/02/2014 16:29

Hi

I finally managed to end my 'relationship' with ex partner six months ago, though it took me until one month ago to finally make him move out of my house. We had a loveless relationship, slept in separate rooms for five of the six years we were together and all the past promises he made of loving me forever, wanting to marry me tomorrow etc never came, basically he dangled a carrot to me and never fulfilled. I finally got rid of him after I'd told him that other than dd I had no reason to live, but he didn't care and just went to bed, not a care in the world, basically it took me a long time to realise it would be a life of misery with him.

Sorry for the waffle, just some background. Now he's started to text me claiming he's desperate to see dd (2) can he come round this evening etc. Thankfully I have an email from him from a few months back where he agreed to having dd on a Saturday but he have me residence. He asked for no overnights.

He hasn't had a job for a few weeks now, so in theory he could have dd on any of the four days she goes to the childminder and when I'm at work. But he's sending me texts saying he wants to come over when it's my time with her and just before her bedtime etc, hardly a good time to see her! I suspect he just wants to come to my house, give me the sob story etc (so far he's told me he has no heat, no cooker, to washing machine etc at his new house, all of which I know are not true).

He also has dd for an hour four mornings per week when he picks her up and takes to cm and I'm at work.

He's had the option for more access but hasn't taken it, surely he can't just text me randomly and ask me to see her/come over? I'm scarred he's going to try to claim I don't give enough access. In actual fact, even on his Saturdays he tends to give her back to me at lunchtime, not the end of the day!

Thanks for any advice.

OP posts:

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NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 24/02/2014 16:44

He needs to take her to his house. Why would you let him in yours?

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/02/2014 17:04

I think this is one of those cases where you need a formal, legal contact arrangement that everyone sticks to. That way you can respond to random texts and transparently obvious attempts at attention seeking and sob-story opportunities with 'abide by the contact agreement or talk to my solicitor'.

Don't engage with him therefore beyond reminding him that he has DD for an hour four mornings a week and thing are going to stay that way for the time being. Repeat ad nauseam.

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KouignAmann · 24/02/2014 17:44

Come over to the EA Support Thread where there are many wise women who have been through the same and can help you set some boundaries on this twisty manipulator. He is choosing to come round when you are with DD as it gives him an excuse to talk to you and continue the abusive relationship. You don't have to accept that.

Like Cog says get the contact times established in writing and stick to them. The "Cracked Record" technique works for men like him. Whatever he suggests you just respond with the same bland response. "DD has a routine and that doesn't work for us. See you at the usual time" or whatever.

It is very tiring but if you are consistent eventually he will get the message.

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hoppingElephant · 24/02/2014 18:14

Thanks for your replies. Notsuchasmugmarriednow, ex decided to move an hour away and has no means of feeding, napping, caring for dd in his house. I agree that he should be taking her but haven't enforced it as I don't want her to struggle in his care, so I take her back when. he's had enough which is usually by lunchtime on a Saturday, technically he could have her all day...

Cogito thanks for your advice. I haven't got a solicitor involved yet as I'd hoped to arrange the contact with Dr amicably and without legal bills. Thankfully ex drafted a letter to me stating he was happy with his contact levels etc and detailing them. I will repeat the contact arrangement to him again but if he continues to ask for random visits I suppose I may have to get a solicitor involved.

Kouign thanks I will definitely use the broken record routine with him, he will get the message soon I hope. He's not genuinely wanting more contact with dd as he's chosen not to have more, he just wants to dip in and out when he feels like it...