DP masturbating - am I upset over nothing?

[Faerieinatoadstool]

Is it a part of the average relationship?
I have no problem with the act itself but I find the idea of my DH taking matters into his own hands quite upsetting, especially as I'm usually in bed waiting for him to finish in the shower.
I can't tell if I'm being overly sensitive about it or whether it really is an indicator of things being a bit broken

[manaboutthemaison]

yes

[FracturedViewOfLife]

Nearly everybody masturbates. It is normal.

[RonaldMcDonald]

i wonder why you find the idea of your partner 'taking matters into his own hands' upsetting?
do you think that that should be your role solely now?

for a very long time it was my hobby no matter how hot or cold my sex life

[sykadelic15]

Well it really depends.

There are many reasons guys do it. It can vary from helping them sleep, to helping them last longer with you later or that he has a higher sex drive and doesn't want to pester you.

Do you think your sex life is failing because he does it?

If it's bothering you, talk to him about it. Remember though, his pleasure isn't about you, it's about him. So if it bothers you, you can tell him what you are comfortable with but you can't make him stop. It's his right. You can ask him to be more considerate about timing which makes sense.

[beaglesaresweet]

erm..have the posters actually read the original post? As I understood it (or maybe I'm wrong?) OP said that he masturbates after sex or instead of sex when she is WAITING for him in bed, instead of just finishing the sex with her. In whichcase, it's odd and you should ask him the reason, OP. If can't climax without being on his own, it's psychological (trust issues, or he's not had much experience, etc).
If he doesn't even start sex with you but goes to bathroom when to do it while you wait, there are issues definitely!

[beaglesaresweet]

no 'when' in last sentence.

[Innogen]

Please don't be upset. Sometimes you want the self love, and the quick orgasm, not the act of pleasing someone else.

I know I do. Having sex and masturbating serve different purposes for me.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It's a problem if masturbation has taken the place of affection or intimacy between you. If you're upset about his behaviour rather than the act itself, that suggests you're being neglected in favour of his shower sessions. Is the relationship 'broken' in other ways?

[Faerieinatoadstool]

It's been instead of things with me, we have only been doing stuff once every 3 weeks or so but I don't know which is the cause and which is the effect.
I used to be an every other day kind of girl but while on antidepressants I haven't been putting the effort in to get things going. He didn't really do it until then as I was always more than happy to oblige so I feel like I've created it myself I guess.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

This isn't time for blame or self-reproach but for communication. Sometimes partners feel it's better to 'sort themselves out' than bother someone for sex when they're clearly struggling. If you say to him that you're feeling better now, miss the intimacy and want to work on improving things as a couple that might be all it takes.

[Faerieinatoadstool]

Thanks cogito, that's really reassuring

[livingzuid]

Yes, do talk to him. It may be he feels he can't approach you if you've not been well or feels bad about possibly hassling you for sex if you aren't up to it. I had almost exactly the same situation and after a talk all was fine. He may well be delighted to have his partner back :)

[Joysmum]

I quite agree. Talk to him. He won't know how you are feeling unless you do. He's probably trying to be sensitive and not bother you thinking you don't want him.

[pinkfluffypoodleface]

I agree, he's probably thinking he's being considerate & not pestering you for sex when you don't feel up to it.

If you are up for it then you initiate sex a couple of times & see how it goes. He might be delighted & the shower sessions will stop.

[prh47bridge]

I wouldn't necessarily expect the shower sessions to stop completely. Most men masturbate occasionally regardless of how good their love life is.

In any case, remember that it isn't really the masturbating that is the problem. It is the lack of intimacy between you. That is what you need to sort out.

[1966gettingold]

Both been doing it for thirty years, still in great marriage.

[slightlyconfused85]

My dp only masturbates if we are seperated for a few days or more, ie business trips or if I am ill. Otherwise if one of us wants sex we have sex! I am uncomfortable with him masturbating when I am around and available, but I think I am in a minority!

[ThinkIMmad]

Everyone does it and if they say they dont they lie. Just try not to take it to heart for all you know he could be thinking of you the whole time. From personal experience i know my DH does it on a morning some mornings if hes lucky he gets an helping hand or sometimes more if hes really lucky. I dont know about other men but he wakes up with a stiff without fail every morning would be unfair to just let it go waste :) He just does it at side of me theres no secrecy or awkwardness he cleans up after him and thats that nice way to start morning.

Im sure he does it at other times of the days aswell when im not always around and i havent got a problem with that.

[ThinkIMmad]

OP sorry just seen your comment further down and can understand a bit more why you maybe feeling a bit low about it. I guess the only way you can let him know its bothering you is by telling him.

[olathelawyer05]

If you feel there is a lack of intimacy between you, then talk to him about that. That would be a completely separate issue from his masturbating, which in itself is no issue at all - it is normal. If he wasn't allowed to masturbate, it doesn't necessarily follow that you would be any more intimate as a couple.