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I haven't lost anything here have I?

(6 Posts)
Miffyinthesnow Wed 19-Feb-14 12:42:43

This will seem minor in comparison to some other threads I think but please could I have some feedback. I have aspergers so can't always read things or be sure of my choices when it comes to relationships. I would really like an opinion so I can stop mulling over this.

I have been chatting to a man I used to work with through text and phone. We have a lot in common and were meant to meet up soon. It meant waiting a few weeks because I am a lone parent without many babysitters. He said he really liked me, was glad we were back in touch and was looking forward to meeting up.

The other night he said he didn't think there was any point talking anymore. "Coincidentally" this coincided with me finding out my dc wouldn't be going to regular childcare until the next academic year so wouldn't be free every weekday. He said it was nothing to do with that but then went on to complain that I wouldn't bring my dc along to meet up even casually just so we could at least hang out.

I won't keep rambling but basically, I did the right thing not taking my dc along didn't I? Plus, a nice person wouldn't pressure me to do that or put pressure on me to try and get the regular childcare now instead of next year just so I was free more for him? I feel like he dressed it up as really wanting to see me and wanting to take me out but really it was just about him him him and what he wanted.

I think being lonely really clouded my opinion and I'm glad I didn't let it change my behaviour or views with regard to dc meeting potential partners. But I haven't missed out here anyway have I, because he wasn't a nice person?

Sorry for the ramble. It's helped writing it down actually.

Casmama Wed 19-Feb-14 12:45:34

I agree with your summary. If there are issues before you have even met up then imagine how much worse I could get.
You are better off without him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 19-Feb-14 12:55:26

Anyone who complains is unwelcome IMHO... However, you seem to be saying that you're planning on having zero social life until your DCs are in regular childcare and I wonder why you would do that? Babysitters may be a little thin on the ground but they will exist where you are. As for DCs meeting your friends, be careful of being too rigid about it. It's important for you to have friends and it's important for your DCs to see that Mum is a sociable person.

Miffyinthesnow Wed 19-Feb-14 13:12:19

Thank you both. I don't have spare money so rely on family babysitting (they do it as a favour for free) if I need it but they don't have much free time themselves so I can't ask very often. I don't have many friends as a result and I struggle making new ones. I didn't really want to take dc with me to meet this man as it didn't seem right with it being a man who had expressed wanting to be more than friends if we still got on well in person like we used to. It just didn't feel right. I think I am too wary maybe sometimes but I find it hard to get the balance right. But now I'm doubting myself and wondering if I was wrong and have read it wrong and am missing out now because I wouldn't go?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 19-Feb-14 13:55:18

I don't think you were wrong on this particular occasion with this particular man. He was trying to push you into something that you were uncomfortable about and that is never a good thing in a potential boyfriend. So your judgement was spot on about that.

However, I'm sad about your lack of social life, lack of friends and so on. I'm sure your family wouldn't like to think of you sat home alone and lonely and I'm sure, if you asked, they'd volunteer to babysit more often. Do you ever get out to mum and baby groups? The beauty of those is that you'll meet others in exactly the same situation and you can either socialise together with your children or you can set up a babysitting circle and allow each other to get out and about more. I've been a lone parent since birth and I think it is vital that your children see you as more than a food and hug dispenser. I also think that they should meet your friends... male, female, casual, serious.

iamtoooldforallofthis Wed 19-Feb-14 20:03:02

you were right! but i worry about your isolation....other mums in the same position (with or without asd) could support your social life by reciprocal your child.s father able to help out? dont think your judgement here was because of asd because as far as i can see it certainly was a good call!

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