New relationship sex issue

[SoUnfair]

I have name changed for this for obvious reasons. It seems highly likely I contracted genital herpes from my last relationship, I have already sought medical advice and have medication. I was with an emotionally abusive partner for several years most of it was pretty horrible, I now realise he abused me in several ways.

Anyway it's over and I'm happy. BUT now I'm a bit further down the line and I have met a nice man quite recently. Now I'm in a real quandary. It's getting to the stage where we will want to have sex although it's still early days. I know I must tell him. It will probably ruin it and be highly embarrassing. What do I do, what do I say?

Is there anyone that has any experience of this? From what I have read herpes is very common, so why then do we never hear about it and also many many people carry the virus without realising it

I still feel I need to tell him as I do have the occasional mild outbreak

[bragmatic]

I don't have experience, no. For what it's worth if I were to find myself in a new relationship and really fancied the guy, then if he told me what you must tell your guy, well, it wouldn't matter. If I really liked him, then it wouldn't. I'd be glad that he'd told me.

I have friends who have it, and have managed not to pass it on to their partners. Outbreaks are now few and far between (I think that is sometimes the case…if you've had it for a while…?).

It's a normal thing to be embarrassed about, and I really feel for you. It's unfair. But if he's a good guy, he'll cope. Take care.

[Offred]

This happened to my friend recently. She has dated two men since and told both pretty quickly and both understood and were kind.

Agree with bragmatic.

You should just say what you have here; you were with an abusive partner who left you with herpes, you have treatment, it is under control but you still have the occasional outbreak and so wanted to let him know about it.

[kentishgirl]

I think you need to tell him. finding the right moment is going to be hard. You can't just blurt it out in a cafe. But you don't want to be telling him as you both jump into bed, either.

When it gets to a point when you think things are likely to become physical, then you need to talk with him (without holding off on DTD just to avoid talking about it).

Be straightforward, there is something you need to let him know, and then just what Offred said. You could have a leaflet or two ready in case he has any questions? Or make sure you understand how it all works/how safer sex works with relation to Herpes so you can answer his questions.

Then it's his decision, really. It isn't all that uncommon and a lot of couples deal with it no problems.

[iamtoooldforallofthis]

it isnt your fault...if he is nice he will understand that...if he isnt you shouldnt want him...good luck x