Thoughts please (re kids & contact with STBXH)

[Handywoman]

So, we split last summer as he was grumpy, miserable, disengaged and burdened by family life with a bit of verbal abuse thrown in. This behaviour was entrenched. He does however love the girls 9 and 11yrs old. He lives in a flat (one bed) 5 mins away, has them EOW which fits with my work pattern which is also EOW (a big bone of contention when we were married despite him saying he fully supported my career). He tends to prefer to have them from Sat rather than Fri so Sat morning to Sun 6pm. My work pattern just changed so by the time he sees them it will be overnight once in three weeks. He did not ask to see them last weekend. No phone call/text or anything either. This level of contact comes as a surprise to me. I actually asked him to spend more time with eldest after Xmss. No real attempt made there either. Does this sound a bit paltry? Should I ask him outright to see them more??? I feel he should be more proactive about contact. But then again I was saying this for the ten years of parenting when we were together.... WWYD?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Is the contact agreement legally binding or just something you've put together between you? If the latter, suggest now would be a good time to formalise it and make sure it's fair.

[Blueuggboots]

I've got the same problem. My STBXH wasn't supportive of me or our DS when we were together and has only seen DS a handful of times despite me offering numerous drop offs etc.
we're now getting divorced and he -claims-- is moving to Canada and wants my DS to go to Canada for 6 weeks every year and speak on skype the rest of the year!!
My attitude is this - grown men are capable of making plans if they want to.
I agree with the other poster to get it formalised. I will be doing this once the divorce petition is received.

[Handywoman]

Has been formalised. He signed in December. I am not annoyed for myself (feel it's his loss tbh) but am surprised he doesn't want them more or think about his relationship with them and have them more. We are pretty much NC (my choice, am f**ing angry and scared of him ) so any quibble from me would inflame the situation.

[Handywoman]

Sorry x-posted with blueugg moving to Canada - nice!

[Doasbedoneby]

Why can't he still have them EOW?

[itsalltoohard]

Think the problem is that he is still the same person he was when you were together. My ex is same, though he alternates between wanting to see them loads, and then wanting as little as possible contact. Problem is you can't change them, and they are unlikely to change themselves.

Doesn't sound like an ideal amount of contact, but are your dcs happy with it? If they want more,I would casually email him a selection of dates for next month when he can take them out for tea or whatever in addition to the EOW and see if he commits to any of them. You must hardly have any time to yourself if you work whenever he has the dcs. have you got family/friends you can call on if you need a night out/alone?

[Handywoman]

I have been getting out and about lots but it costs me a small fortune due to the small amount of contact he has. I guess italltoohard you hit the nail on the head. He is the same person he ever was and there's very little I can do about it.

[Handywoman]

dd1 definitely needs more time with him. I have told him this. dd2 totally not bothered but happy to see him whenever. He has them this weekend (am working) hopefully he will remember that seeing the kids is a nice thing to do not just something he does to fit in with my work. We met in Oct when he complained that his weekends were to fit in with me so they were all about me. He does like to invent problems where there are none!!

[itsalltoohard]

re: invented problems, sounds familiar! Am hoping my ex will move on one day, and stop making me out to be the bad guy, but no sign of that yet.

[Blueuggboots]

Handywoman - what do you kids think? They are old enough to have an opinion. Could you ask him and explain they want to see him more?

[Handywoman]

Eldest needs more time with him. I told STBXH before Christmas. He said he would try and schedule more time with her. But it hasn't happened. In view of the NC situation am wary of inflaming the situation by asking again. I think I might suggest some dates. But don't want to be responsible for their relationship for the next 6 years. (Or whatever).

[Blueuggboots]

Totally get your sentiment of not wanting to be responsible for their relationship!
I should have seen the warning flags when it became apparent that it was ME doing all the organising for my SD. Since we split, he's hardly seen her either!