Love his company but no massive spark

[fizzfiend]

I've been seeing someone for 18 months. It's fun, he's spontaneous and open with me. The thing is, the man I was seeing before (completely wrong for me) enraptured me. We would kiss for half an hour and I would be mesmerised - but he was a huge a-hole - however, he always excited me.

The new man loves sex, loves me, but that mad tingly feeling is not there. Kissing is a quick prelude to sex which is wild and lovely but never really loving sex and doesn't turn me on the way the unimportant last bf did.

My question is, does this really matter. That chemistry thing is so all-consuming, as most of you know. But am I kidding myself that this is a long-term thing if its not really there? Does it really matter? I mean, I would love to have that ability to kiss BF for half an hour and be in heaven, but as we have a great time together, does this matter? How many of you haven't had this, but still made a future together?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Yes, I think it matters. You can kid yourself it doesn't for a while but, life being what it is, long term relationships tend to get a little less passionate and a face more challenges over time anyway. If you don't have something with a strong spark to begin with, you can find yourself really struggling. Love and no spark means what you've got is a friend, not a lover.

You've had the lust without the love, the love without the lust.... there is a middle way and that's the definition of a great relationship.

[Superworm]

I think if 18 months in you are questioning if it will be enough then it probably isn't.

[BitOutOfPractice]

I'm a bit confused. You love his company, he loves you, you have great sex. Is the problem that you don't love him?

From what you say, that seems to be what you mean by "spark".

All the things you describe sound like the basis for a long happy relationship, but if you don't love him, it's only fair to let him go and find someone who does

As for your ex. Yep. I have one of them too. The one who got away. But op please be careful. You can end up sabotaging a lot of great things by harking back to him. He's gone. You have to move on and stop comparing.

[superstarheartbreaker]

I think id the sec is frwat and you love his company then there surely a spark!
Sounds like your ex was a bad boy! I just got rid of one of yhose but although the sex was great the interation between us was WRONG! Dont look back!

[superstarheartbreaker]

Sex is great I meant! It sounds like your not in love though!

[fizzfiend]

I think you're all right. I will never go back to the previous man…I'm over him but I still recognise that the passion we shared is missing in my current relationship.

I guess if we stay together, it's probably called settling which is what I did in my marriage which didn't work out…Sometimes when you ask for advice you already know the answer, but often it's what you don't want to hear.

Why is this relationship thing so difficult? Thing is I'm early 50s and settling sometimes seems better than being alone for the rest of my life which will probably happen. I can cope with that, but I don't really like the idea. But I guess it's better than being with someone that I don't love….Yes I suppose it's like having a good friend….will have to think hard about this one

[thecircleline]

What is 'the spark'? Can someone explain this? Is it a load of rubbish and only applicable to the start of a relationship, or does it stay the whole way through? How does it manifest itself in day to day life with a partner?

[MadeMan]

Spark = lust/desire, in my opinion.

[Neitheronethingortheother]

Myself and Dh have a spark. No matter how much we row or what is said the spark is still there it never goes to far. With my ex it just wasn't there I used to wake up and really try hard to love him but I just couldnt force it. My ex is my best friend now and has been for the past 20 years. Myself and Dh are probably not the most compatible in many ways but we definitely have that spark. It does make it much harder to leave a relationship also.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I've told this story before but I knew a couple in their seventies that had been together 50+ years, adult DCs, and been through quite a lot of ups and downs. It was her birthday and the DH had bought her some new boots. I was admiring the boots and the DH said with a twinkle in his eye.... 'They are lovely but then again... she's always had a smashing pair of legs'. She blushed like a girl. A few years later when he sadly died, she was completely at sea. Quite lost.

To me that's 'spark'. The thing that makes a man look at his seventy-odd year-old wife and still see a 'smashing pair of legs'

[KatnipEvergreen]

I would say show him how you like sex to be and give him a chance.

TBH, I'd had better sex before I met DH. But I realised that other things were vastly more important.