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Want to leave my abusive husband

(25 Posts)
Holly300 Mon 17-Feb-14 00:39:40

I don't even know where to start. Been with my oh for almost 13 years and we have 2 dc together, 8 and 6. He has always been mentally/psychologically/emotionally abusive to me... I just didn't recognise it at first. I was young and I used to convince myself he would change but I know now that it is impossible! He goes through cycles of giving me the silent treatment, sometimes for weeks. Other times he will have angry and aggressive outbursts at me, where he will put me down about anything - my weight, how useless I am etc. I used to think that somehow it was my fault and try and reason with him, which is obviously what he wanted. I used to live in hope that he would change. It took me a long time to realise that it was abuse and accept that my dcs and I deserve much better. He's never been abusive to dcs and is good to them but I know that it is not healthy for them to be living in this sort of environment. Anyway I have told him I wanted to end things a couple of times... first resulted in him agreeing to relationship counselling which we attended for a year. He was on his best behaviour for a long time after that but eventually slipped back into old ways. Second time - a year ago - his mum (who thinks the sun shines out his arse) convinced me to try one more time. She thought that I SHOULDN'T leave him for the sake of the kids - what a joke!!! So I said I'd try once more, but it became evident quite quickly that he was just as abusive and not willing to change at all. I just settled for the good times aka the times when he wasn't being abusive! Knowing that any time he would switch. So I made a decision that come the new year, I was going to ask him to move out (to separate/divorce - not for a break) but then found out that my mil (who oh is very close to) is very ill and is having treatment and surgery. I feel like I can't do it now with all that going for him and feel like I'll be seen as the bitch if I do. I'm so frustrated! I've been receiving the silent treatment for a few weeks now (which I can handle as I don't want to speak to him either) but it feels like hell living like this. I just want him to go but I feel trapped. I also want to do it before the kids get any older. I actually hate him, all he does is bring me down.

Pesca Mon 17-Feb-14 01:17:55

Holly iv tried to send you a PM , im not sure it worked though. Hope your ok xx

chubbleigh Mon 17-Feb-14 01:45:25

I can tell you, from experience, that there will never ever be a good time to end it, there will only be the time you decide to do it. Do not hang on, all that will happen is that you will become more eroded and weaker in resolve. You've already given it two more years than you really wanted too. Another two? Make a plan. Then just do it. A shit storm will follow. Things will be worse for a while and then they will get better and better.

horsetowater Mon 17-Feb-14 02:20:56

He'll be fine without you. Let him go and look after his mother and be her hero. This could be exactly the right time for you to do this. He will be absorbed with her and that will take the focus off you. Whatever you do he will see you as being in the wrong anyway so it doesn't matter when you do this anyway.

Let go of him and think of him as someone who will have a new life elsewhere without you and good luck to him. Think of it as a new start for everyone.

horsetowater Mon 17-Feb-14 02:23:52

The other thing is if he is emotionally abusive you ought to get evidence. If this is happening to you it might happen to your children when they have contact with him. Even if it's diaries or posts in here, get as much as you can together. Have you spoken to Womens Aid?

Holly300 Mon 17-Feb-14 05:13:41

Hi Pesca, I didn't receive the pm. Thanks though for the support smile

Holly300 Mon 17-Feb-14 05:19:31

Thanks chubbleigh, I know you're right about it never being the right time. I think to myself that what if the worst happens with his mum, it'll be even harder to do if that happened. I'm absolutely shit scared about the shitstorm that will follow and am worried about coping financially, mentally, and how the kids will react sad

mammadiggingdeep Mon 17-Feb-14 05:26:03

Sorry you're in this situation.

Have you started the ground work for leaving even though it won't be yet? Do you know what you're going to do? Found out about benefits etc?

I agree- there's never a good time- dont waste any more time...

mammadiggingdeep Mon 17-Feb-14 05:26:59

Ps- you'll cope fine, honestly. What you've been coping with is 1000 times harder!!!! Promise you.

Holly300 Mon 17-Feb-14 05:30:11

Horsetowater thanks for advice, I haven't spoke to women's aid so definitely will look at that. Good idea to keep evidence. It's so hard to prove anything. He denies having a problem, even though it was an issue when we had counselling. Everyone that knows him, friends,family all think he's mr nice guy! If only they new. I do have my family that I can talk to but I hate worrying them. I can't bare having to share the bed with him anymore, I hate what he's done to me.

Holly300 Mon 17-Feb-14 05:35:44

Thanks mamma, no I haven't and you're right that I should. I suppose all this happening with his mum, stopped me in my tracks a bit. But I will start looking into it. I know ultimately I'll be better off, I'm just worried about the fallout - which obviously is unavoidable. Thanks for the encouragement smile

Wishyouwould Mon 17-Feb-14 07:06:06

I separated from my abusive STBXH at the end of 2012. His Dad was (and still is) ill at the time and I did feel some guilt about this but after realising my EX felt no guilt about being verbally abusive to me (and had been for years) I knew I was just wasting my life on this man.

It's been very hard. He has continued to be vile to me since we separated and it's only because we have DC that we have any contact at all. I have been cut off by all his family and some of his friends - they have no idea what went on behind closed doors - as far as I'm concerned it's their loss although it felt very hurtful at first.

I start counselling in early March to deal with the anger I feel at being treated so horribly for so long with no apology or acknowledgement.

But for all of the above I'm so much happier out of this awful marriage - I no longer tread on eggshells wondering what kind of mood he'll be in when he walks through the door, dreading him coming home if his team lost, knowing he will have had too much to drink on a night out and I can expect a night with no sleep.

Sorry for hyjacking your thread OP but I just wanted to say there will never be a good time, it will be awful but life is too short to put up with this. Good luck x

Wishyouwould Mon 17-Feb-14 07:08:03

Btw I also gave it two years and we went to Relate. The only thing that changed was that I ended up on Prozac.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 17-Feb-14 07:33:03

Definitely have a word with Womens Aid 0808 2000 247. They don't just offer refuge, they are also very familiar with stories like yours and can provide information on solicitors that specialise in DV relationships, for example. They'll also give you some pointers on how to stay safe since abusive men (even if they haven't previously been violent) can be very dangerous when they think the game is up. You have various options and I hope you get the outcome you're looking for.

KouignAmann Mon 17-Feb-14 07:39:23

Holly you will perhaps find This EA support thread helpful as your abusive P is there in all his glory. The ladies on the thread are all dealing with situations similar to your and are lovely.

Pippinlongsocks Mon 17-Feb-14 07:46:12

You mustn't feel guilty about his mother. I know it's hard but you deserve to have a happy life and won't you get it with him. You wouldn't get any thanks for staying. Don't prolong it, make a plan, but keep it closely guarded. A new life awaits you. It will be hard but it is not impossible. Just keep taking small steps and ask for help. You will be surprised that probably not everyone thinks he is a charmer and people will step forward to help you. Good luck.

Wishyouwould Mon 17-Feb-14 08:47:33

Thanks for that link Kouign wow the Verbal
Abuse summary is 100% my ex. I feel like printing it off and giving it to him but he will still deny it (which interestingly is what abuser do!)

wontletmesignin Mon 17-Feb-14 09:36:13

Dont let his mothers illness stop you from what you feel you need to do. It is unfortunate that she is ill, but it is not your fault.

It may give him something to focus on during thr break up. It is difficult and worrying when you finally end it. But trust me, life is 100x easier without a FW dragging you down. You wont realise how much of a release you will feel!

I am sorry you are in this situation. If you arent quite ready to leave yet with his mother. Perhaps you could start the ball rolling in other areas. Put some money away, look into housing (unless you are kicking him out), get the things that you can sorted, just to give you less to do once you have actually seperated.

If you speak to womensaid, they can give you some great advise!

Good luck thanks

Holly300 Tue 18-Feb-14 00:35:00

wishyouwould thanks so much for sharing your experience. I don't feel like you've hijacked the thread at all! Well done for finding your strength to get out of an abusive relationship. I know how hard it is to leave an abuser, particularly as they can be so manipulative. I glad to see that you are happier for it, even if it hasn't been an easy ride.

Holly300 Tue 18-Feb-14 00:38:50

Kouig thanks so much for the link, that's really helpful smile

Holly300 Tue 18-Feb-14 00:42:03

cogito, pippin and wontlet, thanks so much for you're support and encouraging words thanks thanks thanks

Holly300 Tue 18-Feb-14 01:13:35

I was at dinner tonight with a close friend who I confide in sometimes and it really helped speaking to her. When my confidence and self-esteem has been chipped away at for years, all the support and encouragement means so much. All of you ladies have helped me and made me smile so thank you smile when I actually think of everything he has done to me and the way he has treated me, I'm not actually worried about how he'll be (well maybe slightly). I'm more worried that I'll be seen by his family and friends as the heartless bitch for ending things when my mil is so ill. I know it's stupid and that I shouldn't care what others think - and I usually don't - but I'm worried about the backlash of it all. Mil's surgery is tomorrow, so I think I will at least wait until she is out of the woods from that, before asking oh to leave. In the meantime I will get all the advice I need and prepare as much as I can.

MsAspreyDiamonds Tue 18-Feb-14 03:01:24

Speak to a solicitor to find out what your options are regarding custody and maintenance. The first 30mins are free so you can see several different ones to get different opinions and help. Tell the solicitor everything including the emotional & psychological abuse as a tool to make you fearful & compliant. All the abuse needs to be recorded by a legal official so that you can use it in court if needed.

The next time he flies into a rage or punishes you by blanking you like this, call the police on 101 or 999 (if he is violent) & tell them that you are scared so they have it on record even if no charges are made. So if he fights you for custody, this police record will count against him. You don't know how the future will turn out but you can try to make things go in your favour by preparing and doing your homework.

Complete the hmrc benefits calculator to find out how much you are entitled to as a single parent

Holly300 Tue 18-Feb-14 09:39:42

msasprey thanks so much for the advice and links thanks

Holly300 Tue 18-Feb-14 14:01:24

I emailed women's aid yesterday and got a reply from then today, encouraging me to call them if I can. I will call as soon as I can when I'm not with the kids - which is tricky during half term week!

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