Webcam Girls

[SuperGra55]

Hi

I have just been on my boyfriends laptop as mine is broken and found out he has been visiting and paying girls for online sex shows (He was still logged into his account). :(
I am yet to confront him as I have said I am ok with porn before, but this feels like he is cheating with another women in that he is talking and interacting with them online.
Would you be ok with your dp using these sorts of sites? If not how should I confront him about this, as he will claim its just like porn and i'm overeacting.

[DoItTooJulia]

Nope, I wouldn't be ok.

If he hasn't told you about it, he's keeping it secret, which suggests that he already knows you wouldn't be ok with it.

[MrsChocolateCupcake]

I wouldn't be okay with it either, too me it's different to watching porn and paying for online sex shows.

Like Doittoojulia say's he hasn't told you about it either and keeping it secret does suggest that he already knows that you wouldn't be happy about it.

[Sortyourmakeupout]

If I was sat in front of your boyfriend double clicking my mouse would you have a problem with it?

thought so.

its time to get rid isnt it.

[Joysmum]

DH and I use porn, together. Everything sexual is together, except masturbation. Neither of us would be ok with what he's done because it's not as a partnership and because he knows he's done wrong otherwise he wouldn't have kept it a secret.

[WhateverTrevor83]

I'd ask him if there are any decent web cam sites he could recommend because you fancy seeing a random man wave his willy at you!
Then when he is outraged just point out you noticed he'd been watching the girl cams.

Watching videos / looking at pictures is one thing - but the web cam they are interacting. I know they aren't about to run away together but it is an exchange of communication etc. It sounds like you've been pretty laid back/accepting about him using porn and he's taken the piss by taking it a step further.

Also the webcam girls cost a lot don't they? If he's always skint because he's been spending money watch a random skank wave her tits in the air - I'd be even more annoyed!

I'd definitely ask him about it love. Sorry you had to see that x

[Itsallveryscary]

Hmmm, I must agree I would hate this and it would be a deal breaker most certainly. There is a massive difference between watching people having sex (like a movie) and interacting with a single girl. It is prostitution really.

I would just add this though. If you say you are okay with porn to your DP (or now any future DP's!) it is worth discussing boundaries especially in the internet day and age. DP and I have discussed that mags and DVD's and internet porn of the same type (i.e. watching 2 people have sex) is okay, but webcam girls and anything that is interactive is a big, big no no (no Babestation here). This is fine with him and not a big deal as he doesn't want to do that anyway. If he did then it would be a problem as he would be giving up something he saw as his right just for me which could lead to resentment.

I know for you now this is shutting the door after the horse has bolted, but I know lots of people who have been in your position and then the man answers back with a defensive 'but you said you didn't mind porn'. He is most definitely going get angry and defensive and say it was your fault because you were all 'cool' with porn. (its not your fault BTW, you have given him an inch and he has taken about 10 miles). TBH he will know it is wrong but will use the okay with porn thing as wriggle room.

Its a bit like the guys who go to strip clubs and their girl friends cheerfully wave them off, and then the guys gets a private dance and is all shocked when the girl is so upset. To the girl its obvious he overstepped the marked (or bloody well leaped right over it) but the men always come back with, oh but you said it was okay to go, so how was I to know a private dance was off limits.

Posters on here often say that being all 'cool wifey' isn't not the way to go and I think they are quite right. If the man you are with needs someone who is all 'cool wifey' about things and you actually don't feel like that, then essentially you are just not compatible.

Whether its porn, strip clubs, monogamy, or swinging, all areas of your sex life (and life in general) need to have the boundaries agreed on and understood by BOTH parties, and stuck to.

Goof luck OP, I really feel for you. I hope you manage to come to some sort of resolution, in your own mind whatever the outcome.

[GinUtero]

Absolutely no way would I even consider continuing to be with a man who does this. Due to the line of work I'm in I've been privy to far more information about these web cam sites than I would voluntarily wish to know. It's totally different from the passive experience of watching porn, its exploitative to the women who cam, who are asked to do increasingly degrading things by desensitised users and the majority of the money goes to the cam site, not the women…even if morally you don't object to it, would you really want to be with a man longterm who spends his money on online sex shows??

[Kleptronic]

Sorry for your pain OP, I think you know if this is over the line for you.

I have to say to WhateverTrevor though, 'a random skank'? Way to judge sex workers Trev.

[ateddybearfromdelaware1]

I wouldn't accept this and would end it. To me it's cheating.

[Logg1e]

Whatever, a random skank

Nice misogynistic turn of phrase there.

OP Personally I wouldn't be with a man who got sexual pleasure from the possible exploitation, humiliation and abuse of women.

[Sortyourmakeupout]

Is she a lady then?
genuine question

[GarlicReverses]

XH2 said he didn't use porn, and I certainly found no evidence of it. He did, however, go to (and participate in) live sex shows, and used prostitutes. I'm not really cool with porn. I definitely wasn't cool with the live action. Your chap, OP, has taken a big step towards his line of entertainment - not watching, but doing.

I have the same ethical objections to all strands of the sex industry. On the relationship front, my feelings are a bit different: once a customer's using webcams, he is choosing to interact sexually with other people. That's infidelity. Paying for access makes no difference, it's still having sexual relations with other women.

Sorry, Supergra.

[Logg1e]

Sort genuine question

Who are you asking and who are you referring to?

[WhateverTrevor83]

Sorry - stripping for money on a webcam is the height of sophistication and class. My apologies (ha). For the sake of equality - the men in this situation are equally grimy too.

[WhateverTrevor83]

Find people trying to pick arguments with other posters on threads to be passive-aggressive and pointless, for what it's worth. The word skank was meant to shed light on the fact that the web-cam thing is all a bit low rent and smutty. That's my opinion - and I'm entitled to it. If I want a ticking off I'll go see my mum, thanks.

This thread is about whether/how OP should confront her partner - not a Question Time debate about the plight of sex workers. So, you know - bore off.

Good luck OP - hopefully he will stop communicating with the ladies on the webcam or you can move on if you don't think he could/doesn't want to x

[ThinkIMmad]

Deffinately over the line IMO. Have you confronted him about it?

[Offred]

Yes, your boundaries, doesn't matter if he thinks they are right or not and they don't need to seem reasonable to him.

He has crossed your boundaries, he is just a bf and I would bin him, not really worth the stress of negotiating over this issue.

I do think for the future it is worth articulating exactly where your boundaries are though because I'm not sure people will automatically understand the distinction between porn and web cams or visiting a strip club and paying for a dance if they are users of either.

You need to say your line is an individual interaction and explain what counts as an individual interaction to you because someone who is used to using women's bodies for entertainment may not feel the web cam/dance interaction is as personal or individual as you. They may genuinely not be looking at these women as people like they may do with strippers/porn.

[Offred]

*if he is just a bf

[Logg1e]

Whatever

I will challenge misogyny when and where I see it, calling passive aggressive will not silence me. Secondly, I was checking who you were replying to, it was not obvious.

I think it more likely that sex workers are addicts, exploited and have few options. Joysmum, for example, would probably say that sex workers are more likely independent business women making informed choices. What neither of us do is classify women in to "skank" or "lady" as you have.

[WhateverTrevor83]

Yeah. Fair enough. Apologies then - genuinely didn't mean to offend anyone with 'skank' remark. My point wasn't to 'silence' you (defensive much?) - just to disagree with it turning in to a debate about the sex industry. But then, my poor choice of word when attempting to be tongue-in-cheek/flippant didn't help matters. So soz, again. No offence intended.

I still think this is about whether or not the OP should confront her partner rather than the web cam people and their choices for doing what they do... how are you getting on OP? x

[Jan45]

Yes it is cheating, and creepy as hell, I'd imagine you won't want to be with anything to do with him now.