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A son's a son's till....

(8 Posts)
wispawoman Sun 16-Feb-14 14:30:07

I could have posted this in AIBU but here adult son is moving with his wife to where her family live, a few hours away from us. I am thrilled that he will hopefully get the life style he wants, and I love my DIL (so tha'ts not it....). However, I feel I am losing him. We don't see him a great deal now as he lives the other side of the city but I know that when he gets down there he will be 'absorbed' into her family and we will see even less of them. She has quite a large family and I know he enjoys being part of it; he only has one brother though. He is quite lazy anyway, and I sometimes feel even now he only comes to see us or makes contact because he needs advice or help or DIL suggests it! Is this is just what sons are like? I have a busy life so its not that, and I don't want to sound needy.

pinkfluffypoodleface Sun 16-Feb-14 14:33:46

I moved away to start my married life & my parents made a point of coming to see me every 6 weeks & I would also stay with them for a week in the summer & at Christmas.

Instead of waiting for him to come to you, be proactive. Sort out how often you will visit him & dil after he has moved.

Showy Sun 16-Feb-14 14:41:20

I think there's no such thing as a 'rule' for any family. It's what YOU make of it. We live equidistant from both our families but see my ILs much more. This is largely because, as pinkfluffy says, they are much more proactive about seeing us. We see both sets of parents a lot because it's important to us, but it's not as simple as choosing between the two or it being about how much effort the child puts in. The relationship between a child and its parents isn't predestined or stuck in a rut, it's a symbiotic and evolving thing.

DH is very close to his parents, all of his siblings are, regardless of how far away they are. It's all about effort on all sides. The thing which stands out for me is you saying you feel he only gets in touch when he needs advice or help. Firstly, that's a good thing in general terms. Brilliant that he knows he can and does rely on you for that support. But, if you feel that it's an imbalance where he takes and you give and never the other way round, that's another thing entirely.

I'm SO pleased you like your DIL too. I love to hear about MILs and DILs getting on as often it's the opposite issue on here.

LookingThroughTheFog Sun 16-Feb-14 14:41:55

Wispa, my husband and I moved down to the where all of my family life. MIL was devastated initially.

However, we see her all the time - far more than we see any members of my family. She stayed with us for two days twice a month. DH calls her every day as he's walking to work. It might be an idea to get some sort of routine going. I'm not necessarily saying you should go for four days a month; just get a routine going.

It's not necessarily the end of anything.

wispawoman Sun 16-Feb-14 14:46:29

Thanks for these. I am actually quite a proactive person, but I don't want to be pushy and suggest visiting in case it would be an imposition. My DH is very chilled and thinks I am anticipating problems where they don't exist. I have close friends with daughters and it seems to be so different re visiting, grandchildren involvement etc.

Logg1e Sun 16-Feb-14 14:54:35

I think it is different. Do your daughters have the same relationship with their mother-in-laws as they have with you?

ROARmeow Sun 16-Feb-14 15:18:54

I cannot stand that expression the OP put in her title. Just seems passive aggressive and "oh well, no point bothering." Not saying that about you, OP, but just venting a bit!

My MIL is 40 miles away, retired, in good health and has a car. My family are 2 miles away, both parents work long hours in busy jobs and are busy a lot. Constantly I get digs from MIL about how it's 'lovely' my family are so close and how the grandkids must love it hmm

No matter how many times I tell her that I really only see my family monthly she still sees geography as being the winner.

I agree with other posters that there are many factors, and the biggest one is how pro-active you (and they) are willing to be.

LookingThroughTheFog Sun 16-Feb-14 15:47:51

i I don't want to be pushy and suggest visiting in case it would be an imposition.

It's not. If you were to say 'I am coming on X date for X amount of time' that would be an imposition. Ditto, if you sulk or throw a strop if they say a particular day is not good. Those are the times when it's an imposition. Simply saying; 'Can I come and visit at some point?' or even 'I'd love to visit you all; is there a good time?' is not an imposition.

After all, would you mind if your DIL called and said either of those things?

I have to admit, there are times when MIL is due to visit and I think; 'Oh, not this week!' but I either call her to rearrange, or suck it up and find that the whole thing was easier than I anticipated anyhow.

Most of the time, I look forward to her visits. She's a massive help when she's down.

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