Anxiety, doubts?

[UnionofMultitaskers]

Hi
I've been on mn for about a year, I'm not well known, but I wonder if anyone can help.

I've a nearly 18 month old DC. My DP and I have been together 5 years. He's 12 years older than me. We've had a very tough 18 months since DC born. We have sold a house and we are still in temporary house waiting to buy together.
I'm having CBT for the past 6 months. For anxiety and probably a bit of PND. But I have had lots of CBT in the past. I'm quite sensitive, sometimes have low self esteem periods, I can get cross quickly, but with CBT I'm working on all of this.
There has been pastproblems in relationship but my DP has done his share in working on his bit and we have a great future ahead of us. The only problem is I have days where I think all day, my brain is taken over with thoughts that I don't love him, don't want to be with him... Then other days where I love him and I grin to myself at how I've got a lovely fella.
We've had issues with sex and it's now become a bit awkward. But we've both said its awkward and we both want to work on it. One reason we had issue with sex is that I was on ADs and they killed my sex drive.
Basically I just want to know could I be having these doubts due to anxiety issues? If I decided the doubts were anxiety, left him, in future started another relationship and then had these anxious thoughts?
I think I feel like as we've had major issues in past and still sex issues as a result that 'the grass is always greener'. But is the grass greener, are other people having doubts, or are these doubts because I question everything, and a reaction to a tough period between us.
I hope I've explained it properly and thank you for any replies

[maggiemight]

Don't have much advice but wondered if you are SAHM with nothing much to occupy your brain and thus you dwell on the problems.

Or do you have work, friends and interests outside the home and baby?

I think everyone prob has questions as to whether they are with the right person at some point, difficult for you to know with your anxiety etc . Sorry can't really be much help except that if the rest of your life, other than home and baby is happy, and you are still having these thoughts perhaps you need to change things or move on.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

A good relationship is not this arduous. You mention past problems, major issues, 'working on it', issues with sex, a tough 18 months, various forms of therapy..... and you've only been together 5 years. In a good relationship, it doesn't go 100% smoothly 100% of the time but you should generally feel relaxed and happy in each other's company.

What were the 'major issues' in the past?

[Dahlen]

Like Cogito I think I need to know what the major issues were before I can offer any advice.

The anxiety about the relationship could well be simply an extension of your low self esteem and PND. Trying to fool yourself that you don't really care about something/someone so that you can protect yourself from pain if it all goes wrong is a well-known psychological phenomenon. On that basis, it's tempting to tell you to stick with the CBT so you can retrain your brain to think more positively when plagued by these doubts.

However, it's also possible that your DP is a major source of this anxiety if he's pressurising you or undermining you in any way - hence the need to know about the "major issues."

Hope you feel better today.

[UnionofMultitaskers]

Hi I really appreciate the advise. Yes Dahlen I think you may be right.

The previous issues, which my DP feels terrible for, is he used to drink a lot. He'd drink low alcohol beer at pub and drink at home. Only get drunk at pub. I found it tough and had time apart from him as I was unsure about being with someone like that. I found it tough because I didn't drink like him and he would be so annoying after pub at home. Weeing in corner of room, smelling of alcohol. Etc. We decided to have a baby, I was so excited and thought that he would be aware of sober pregnant girlfriend.. But he carried on drinking in excess at weekends. I was so hurt. When the baby was born I was so happy and thought this is it he will calm down. He did!! But since baby born 18 months ago he's had a few episodes where he has got too drunk. On my birthday, we had a small gathering when baby was 6 weeks old. He drank and drank. He then kept peering over at baby in her Moses basket. I thought he would fall over onto her or try to pick her up. I felt vulnerable and not how I would want the father of my child to be.
At a friends wedding I said please can you be responsible for baby as id like to have a good time, he got soo drunk I had to go upstairs at hotel with baby and look after her whilst he enjoyed the wedding party.

Now he is so sorry that he has done this. He now stays in or if we go out he drives and doesn't drink. He will have a beer at home but just to enjoy rather than to get drunk. He isn't controlling, he's kind. He cooks dinner every night and takes care of DIY.
I'm stuck thinking I'm such a mug for being with someone who would treat me like that. This doesn't help my self esteem.
We have a great future planned, nice house, holidays.. Etc etc.
I need to stop remembering bad times or I will have to end relationship.
My friend had a baby recently and I cried to him saying I bet she doesn't have to go through what I went through. I'm either justified on being "victim" or I'm going over old ground unfairly.

[UnionofMultitaskers]

I have recently gone back to work, a new job a couple days a week. So not a SAHM

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"I need to stop remembering bad times or I will have to end relationship"

You can't stop remembering. That's not a realistic objective. There's an expression 'live and learn'... and what you've learned over the years is that you're with a drunk that behaves badly. OK he's sorted himself out for a short time but it is not unreasonable for you to wonder 'how long is it going to last?'. It's going to take him a long, long time of consistently responsible behaviour before you can trust him again. It's not going over old ground at all.

[UnionofMultitaskers]

Thanks Ergo. That's the issue I think too. I want to stop thinking about it all so to move on but really he could do it again. Maybe that's the anxiety as well as feeling like a mug for putting up with it.
Also you can't just stop thinking about something a partner has done continually which has hurt you.
I love mumsnet. I'm feeling better for getting your views.

[maggiemight]

Perhaps the drinking hid the fact that you are not that happy with him.

You believed that if only he would stop everything would be fine, now you find you still have misgivings.

He has a lot to make up for, hopefully he has changed forever and your love for him will return.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

YY to thinking it would all be fine if he stopped drinking and now finding that it isn't. I think that's right on the nail. OP you're under no obligation to forgive and forget.