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Don't know what to do now.

(18 Posts)
FlatsInDagenham Tue 11-Feb-14 20:31:13

I've posted here about my marriage a few times. Issues are mainly to do with his drinking.

A not so brief history so not to dripfeed:
We have been together since our late teens. We are now around 40, together 22 years. We have 2 DC aged 5 and 1. DH has always been a drinker and comes from a family of drinkers. Over the years it has gradually become more problematic for two reasons: firstly he settled into a habit of drinking every night (at one stage this was 2 bottles of wine just for him) and secondly because I don't like the drunk version of him - he becomes quite nasty at times (though never physical, always verbal). I have almost left him a couple of times over this but he has always made grand promises and somehow pulled it back from the brink.

Currently he is drinking at least 3 nights a week - this has crept up from an 'agreement' we made a year ago - and I recently discovered he has been secretly drinking on some other nights too. He also smokes weed regularly. We had a showdown about a month ago but nothing has changed.

Fast forward to this weekend. We went out to friends' house for dinner. DH got pissed (on friends' wine, DH selfishly never opened the bottles he'd brought - I was driving). To my absolute mortification, after enjoying our friends' hospitality, wine and food, he accused our hostess of cheating during a game we were playing - not in a jokey way, in quite a nasty way. Friend was very gracious about it and I stood up for her and thankfully DH dropped it. We left soon afterwards and as soon as we were in the car he started on me - I was a twat for not believing him, that I always take everyone else's side, I treat him like he's a dick, I blame all his problems on alcohol - he got himself more and more worked up, I was saying nothing but apparently I'd caused it all. He also insulted my driving. This was all with our children in the car with us. I pretty much said nothing to any of this because I've learned not to argue with him when he's like that and because I didn't want a row in front of the children. He slammed the car doors as hard as he could and ignored me totally for the rest of the night.

He slept on the sofa that night - his choice.

The next morning (Sunday) he got up, said (cheerfully) "Sorry for being horrible last night," whilst ruffling my hair. And I said that it wasn't good enough, that he couldn't treat me that way and expect to just give a quick apology the next day and all would be fine. I also said that his treatment of our friend had been unacceptable. He said nothing. He had to telephone her later that day and I was hoping he would take the opportunity to apologise to her, but he didn't.

FlatsInDagenham Tue 11-Feb-14 20:34:30

Sorry, posted by accident...

So we have barely spoken since then, partly because we have been very busy and hardly had a chance, and partly because there is a massive atmosphere between us. I think he still thinks he has been wronged somehow.

And I'm just so tired of the whole fucking thing. I love him, he is a good person when he isn't drinking, but I don't think it's ever going to get better.

mammadiggingdeep Tue 11-Feb-14 20:34:35

Do you want to stay with him?

FlatsInDagenham Tue 11-Feb-14 20:41:41

I don't know. Yes if we can sort this once and for all. No if not. I will not be abused and insulted by the one person who is supposed to love me and keep me safe.

FlatsInDagenham Tue 11-Feb-14 20:46:15

I would like to think that by leaving him I would be protecting my DC from any further exposure to his drinking, but in actuality I feel better able to protect them from inside the relationship, because at least when he's drinking I can be responsible for them.

thatstripedthing Tue 11-Feb-14 20:53:30

I could have written this. I'm so very sorry for you. I hope for your sake you can work this out but in my experience, you will have to leave. For everyone's sake

mammadiggingdeep Tue 11-Feb-14 20:54:07

Do you think he will change? You said that you've discussed this before, he made some changes etc...

I know what you mean about protecting them from within the relationship- I understand that. Do you think he'd pull himself together if he had to start parenting on his own at weekends etc if you separated?

Do you think a trial separation could be useful?

RandomMess Tue 11-Feb-14 20:57:12

Perhaps my moving out you'll be sending him a clear marriage that his drinking will not be tolerated? He sounds like a functioning alcoholic tbh.

wontletmesignin Tue 11-Feb-14 20:59:24

My mother was an alcoholic and it was very traumatic for me to witness as a child.

Me and my sisters have all developed our own issues through it. I still have some anger towards my DF for believing she could get better and choosing to continue putting himself and us through that!

My dm was a nasty drunk and i am deeply scarred from the name calling, put downs and constant nastiness that came out of her mouth.

I never felt love from her and i still havent to this day.

You might be able to put up with his mood changes and drunkeness, but what about the effect this has on your kids?

He is an alcoholic. There is no way he would be allowed overnight visitation with the kids, so you wont need to protect them. Go for supervised only.

FlatsInDagenham Tue 11-Feb-14 21:06:47

No, I don't think he will change.

FlatsInDagenham Tue 11-Feb-14 21:10:56

The incident I described from the weekend - it's really bothering me - am I blowing it out of proportion? I just want to tell him - apologise properly to me, apologise to our friend and go and get help for your drink problem. Or I leave.

mammadiggingdeep Tue 11-Feb-14 21:14:26

An apology won't change anything. It's irrelevant.

For what it's worth- I think you should ask him to leave. Find a more peaceful, stable, happier life.

mammadiggingdeep Tue 11-Feb-14 21:14:52

You're not blowing it out of proportion by the way.

ImperialBlether Tue 11-Feb-14 21:21:37

You're doing the opposite of blowing it out of proportion!

He won't change unless he's shocked into changing. Can you afford to leave him/kick him out?

Your poor children; it's humiliating to see their father behave like this in a public place. I'm glad you didn't argue with him in front of them but it must have been incredibly frustrating for you.

I'd be looking at a future without him and with him only seeing the children during the daytime. I'd also be charging him babysitting fees on top of child support.

wontletmesignin Tue 11-Feb-14 21:22:00

You are not blowing it out of proportion. But even if he did apologise, it is a little too late.

I agree with mamma. You deserve so much more than this, as do your kids.

FlatsInDagenham Tue 11-Feb-14 22:01:01

We can't afford to split, no. I work very part time (self employed) and earn about £300 per month. Essentially, I'm a SAHM. He works full time. We barely scrape by as it is.

FlatsInDagenham Tue 11-Feb-14 22:02:14

I guess I would have to find work and childcare before we separated.

FlatsInDagenham Tue 11-Feb-14 22:03:53

I have no local family support by the way. My dad is supportive but lives an hour away. I couldn't go and stay with him because I wouldn't be able to get DC1 to school.

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