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On /Off relationship

(32 Posts)
bogroll Mon 10-Feb-14 11:06:36

I�ve been in an on / off relationship for the last few years. We�ve broken up 3 times now, the third time fairly recently. It�s always him that breaks up with me and always by text, which makes me feel like shit. I don�t chase him and eventually I�ll hear from him again and we reconcile.
I know I need to move on from this as it�s caused a lot of upset in my life. But it�s hard as I do genuinely love him.
The times we�ve been together he tells me he loves me, so it always comes as a bit of a surprise when he ends it. This last time was because he said his feelings had changed, this only a week after telling me he loved me.
I�m quite upset at the moment and keep going over everything in my head, constantly trying to reconcile why he does this?
I�ve gone no contact for the last couple of weeks, but it�s hard as I feel that maybe there�s something I could do to work things out with him.
I know how mad I must sound.

bogroll Mon 10-Feb-14 11:10:25

Sorry, I don't know why there is a question mark where there should be a comma? Makes reading it annoying I know.

Neeliethere Mon 10-Feb-14 11:12:04

Go to a web site called Baggage Reclaim and read and read and read. You'll get there eventually. There is nothing you can do. He's a flake. He knows he can switch you on and off and he will never see you in a different way.
Move on. Well done going no contact. Get yourself a phone that you can block all his calls and all his text messages. Block him on your email account too. Then delete him on Facebook if you have him on there. If necessary let him know you don't want to hear from him. Its hard though. Bloody hard. I know. Been there, done it got the badge, the t shirt and everything.

JeanSeberg Mon 10-Feb-14 11:13:14

I think no contact is the only way forward here along with keeping yourself busy with friends, family and lots of activities.

How old are you and have you had many other relationships prior to this?

bogroll Mon 10-Feb-14 11:18:49

Old enough to better, and yes I've had relationships before. Been married. I equally want him to contact and not to contact in equal measures.
I do miss him

JeanSeberg Mon 10-Feb-14 11:24:33

On a practical note, can you plan something for every night this week and next weekend to keep you occupied and reduce the temptation to get in touch? Do you have a good set of friends/family? Do you have children?

MrsBartowski Mon 10-Feb-14 11:27:44

You can't put your life on hold waiting for him to feel the same though. Fair enough if he left once and it took that time apart for him to realise just how much you mean to him but to keep dumping you by text shows you exactly where you fit into his feelings IMO.

If he truly loved you he'd never treat you this way.

You've given it a fair shot but it's not going to work out so it's time to move on for your own sake.

HazleNutt Mon 10-Feb-14 11:28:07

So what are his reasons for breaking up and then "discovering" that oh, he does actually love you?

bogroll Mon 10-Feb-14 11:29:01

Yes to both.
I know I won't get in touch as I have managed to go no contact in the past. It's just all the second guessing and doubts I plague myself with. Even now I'm wondering if there is something I did that contributed to break up.

BitOutOfPractice Mon 10-Feb-14 11:29:29

You know you have to go NC and move on. You know that in your head. It's just a case of waiting for your heart to catch up.

In the menatime it's horrible. I feel for you.

As Jean said, try and keep busy. Block him if you can. just go one day at a time.

And the reason he does it is a. he's a knob b. he can because he knows you'll have him back. Don't play into his hands

And good luck!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 10-Feb-14 11:31:42

You are giving him way more power than he deserves. It is not like he's the best you can do. If you're sleeping together he could have other partners on the go so please think of your health.

Finish with this Mr Boomerang and upgrade to a better bf.

JeanSeberg Mon 10-Feb-14 11:34:29

It's just all the second guessing and doubts I plague myself with. Even now I'm wondering if there is something I did that contributed to break up

You'll drive yourself round the twist with this thinking. It's great that you've gone non-contact, now you need to start acting as though you don't care until you find yourself thinking about him less and less.

Write a list of things you are going to do to keep occupied, doesn't have to cost anything.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 10-Feb-14 11:45:41

It�s always him that breaks up with me and always by text

If this is how he breaks up why waste energy analysing what went wrong. Being half of a couple is not a one way process, how much time do you think he spent agonising over how he screwed up? His feelings changed, in a week? Just long enough to hook you back in I bet.

bogroll Mon 10-Feb-14 11:48:07

Second time he ended it he told me we weren't compatible and that he didn't love me. When we got back together months later he said he did, and always had loved me really.
This time he says he's not feeling things anymore. I said ok and accepted it. In the past I kind of chased him at first when he ended it, but then went no contact. This time I've gone straight to no contact.
Maybe he wasn't ending it and looking for a response? I don't know. It all seemed to be going ok up until then so a bit perplexed, but then it shouldn't surprise me given his track record.
The whole thing is draining me really. Taking up too much head space. I know in my heart it cannot work as I've given it my best shot.
But I can't just switch my feelings off.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 10-Feb-14 12:04:32

He will yo-yo back and forth, the message being "try harder". Keep busy, stay out of touch. And any lame Valentine effort will be a cheap appeal to win you over.

HazleNutt Mon 10-Feb-14 12:08:30

If you're not compatible then you're not - you can't change that. Unless he expects you to pretens you are someone else for the rest of your life.

bogroll Mon 10-Feb-14 12:48:14

I feel stuck. Even though it's over, I have this feeling...sadly even a hope....that he will be in touch with me again. I know it's just because things are raw at the moment that I feel this way. It's because he's been back in touch in the past that I feel this way. So it feels like a horrible limbo, whilst I am half expecting a text or email.
I really wuld like to move on properly, but something seems to hold me back.

HazleNutt Mon 10-Feb-14 12:51:17

It's totally normal. But he does not seem to be a nice man who sincerely thinks you're not compatible and are better off without each other. Sounds rather like he's playing games, expecting you to run after him and be grateful when he comes back. Can you imagine living like this for the next few decades, never knowing when he might decide that he does not love you, again?

Santaclaws Mon 10-Feb-14 13:03:10

I could have written your thread. This was me, exactly the same scenario. Split about 4 times in 3 years always him doing the leaving or dumping. Although he didn't actually say the words to me until this last time, he would just leave in a temper after something I had supposedly said or done and I wouldn't hear from him for maybe a few days, once was 2 weeks the last time was 10 weeks. I also was very good at no contact as I knew eventually he would be back. I also remember that feeling of wanting to hear yet not wanting to

I had to change apparently, he wasn't happy, in the end I was walking on eggshells trying to keep him happy whilst I was deeply unhappy. Someone who really loves you and wants to make a life with you would not behave this way. I'm so much happier now he has gone, my self esteem was on the floor, I was always questioning myself, should I have said/ done this or that. Looking back now it was ridiculous

I don't think he will ever change please don't accept him back again

bogroll Mon 10-Feb-14 14:28:24

Thanks Santaclaws. Maybe you can be an inspiration for me.
At what point did you make yourself believe that enough was enough?
How long since you broke up with him?

Santaclaws Mon 10-Feb-14 14:55:37

The sad thing is I should have put a stop to it so much earlier, everybody told me how badly he was treating me. I knew it too as like you I'm old enough to know better, have been married and have had good relationships. However on some level he had a sort of control over me and it didn't matter what anyone told me I had to find my inner strength, not easy when he's convinced you over several years that you are the cause of his to-ing and fro-ing

Each time it happened though it damaged the relationship and killed a little of my love for him. The last time was after a split of about 5 months ( he had tried contacting me once or twice during that time) I allowed him to start seeing me again as I was going through a particularly bad time, for other reasons. I was vulnerable and he began saying he was still in love with me ect, he knew I had been through a tough time yet 2 weeks later he dumped me by text, saying he didn't think he wanted to do us anymore. That was the final wake up call, the fact he could do that, worm his way back in when I was so upset only to do that. I actually see him for the nasty shit he is now. NEVER again, I'm worth SO much more than that. I have a new grandchild and she is also my reason for never going back

I want her to look up to me and to be an example to her. I will not have him forming a bond with him and then he takes off. NOBODY does that to her if I can help it

bogroll Wed 12-Feb-14 11:33:43

I know I have to stay away from him, but what is eating me up at the moment is that I just kind of accepted being dumped�.even wishing him well.
Part of the reason is because I didn�t want him to see how much it hurt me.
Now I feel like I�ve let myself down by not giving him a piece of mind at the time about how he has treated me.
Would it be a bad idea to do that now? It�s been a few weeks since break up.

HazleNutt Wed 12-Feb-14 11:38:57

Bog, you know it's a bad idea.
What do you want to achieve by this? Just vent? Tell the story here or to your friends? Hurt him, make him care that he hurt you? But he knows how he treated you and doesn't care.
And knowing that kind of people - the fact that you are not running after him and making a big deal of it is eating him up way more than if you gave him a piece of your mind.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 12-Feb-14 12:02:05

I wouldn't bother. Ask yourself honestly is it to read him the riot act or try and reconnect again. He's a bad habit, stay away.

Jan45 Wed 12-Feb-14 12:10:23

I think you've became slightly addicted to the drama (even if you are not conscious of that) so you expect and want a reconciliation, as that's the way it's played out before.

This is not going to suddenly turn into a good relationship, there is just not enough love there for it to be, sorry.

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