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Friendships that have turned out to be not as good as you thought(7 Posts)
I have two close friends who I met at and went to university with and we have been close friends for 13 years. Although life moves on and I am married as is one if my friends and the other lives with her partner, we don't live that far away. We used to meet up regularly once a month or couple of months and get together for the full day at one if our houses. It has been 8 or 9 months since I've seen one of them and the other has been a year, and I have realises recently that I rarely hear from either of them anymore unless I contact them first. I feel like it's me always texting to see how they are and if they'd like to get together and usually they both say too busy or cancel. I think both are meant to be seeing me in a week's time and are coming over to my house. I guess I feel disappointed in what I thought were really good close friendships.
A bit of background : I have a two year old son and am expecting baby number two in 4 months time. One of my friends is desperate for children but has a few problems as her husband has has the snip after a previous marriage and although they have just paid for a reversal it seems to have been unsuccessful and I know my friend is probably very sad about this as she has always been very maternal and really is desperate to have a baby. My other friend is also keen to have a baby but her partner is considerably younger than her and keeps insisting he is too young and not ready for kids.
I can't help but wonder if both my friends are not as keen to see me because I am now expecting another baby or what it is but I really feel if I stopped contacting them that I might never hear from them again. I just think it's strange and sad how friendships can go and I just wondered if anyone had experienced anything similar and had any advice to share.
It does seem that the fact you have a child and another on the way could be causing a few undercurrents with both friends who are childless but not by choice it sounds.
This should not affect your friendships but seems it is doing just that. Put it down to the fact that they don't identify with you in the same way, and are not mature enough to see that you are not to blame for what is happening in their lives. Or maybe it's just too painful to see your family situation.
Maybe you have just drifted a bit for a while and it will change as their lives change. Friendships can ebb and flow through the years. And people do change enormously in their 20's, and carry on changing throughout life of course. Sometimes they just move away and/or go in different directions for innumerable reasons. However it seems you will be seeing both of them soon, so maybe mention them how important their friendship is to you. See their reaction. It could be good to get your worries out in the open, subtly of course.
I, incidentally have just been dropped like a stone by someone I have been close friends with for 13years. I have no idea why apart from the fact she met a new group of friends, totally understandable and I know things change. She has limited free time and can now do things I don't wish to do, with the new friends. However not to even want/have time for a cuppa and a chat is just astounding to me, and very hurtful. But that's life, and I do wonder how well we know others despite how close we think we are to them. But I have to move on, and it's sad.
I hope you and your friends manage a happier outcome.
Thank you Cafe! I am sorry to hear about your close friend too, I don't like that when people just 'drop' a good friend for other or new friends that come along. Like you say, it's fine to make new friends along the way but I don't think you should forget about your old or existing friends and it's sad when that happens. I don't feel half as close to these two friends as u used to do, I've been texting for months to see one of them and now they're finally coming, well unless one or both cancels. I think it's very true that friends come and go and you know the real ones that count.
I agree that the baby issue could certainly be a major factor. Please don't write them off as not true friends yet. As a mother you cannot comprehend the indescribable pain that comes with desperately wanting a child and not being able to have one. I have had to step back from friendships for a while as I could not deal with it, luckily my true friends were understanding when I finally felt up to telling them.
If this is the case remember that it is not just your pregnancy that is getting them down. As a childless women of a certain age we have to put up with regular comments as to when we're going to get a move on, or worse, those that assume that childlessness must be due to choice so like to remind you of how selfish you are as it is their children who will be wiping my arse in my old age. Then you get the well meaning people who when told you want a baby assure you it is not that great and why not have one of mine. Every comment is a kick in the teeth.
I try and do my best and am more accepting now but sometimes it I need a break to push down how sad I am and face the world and my friends.
Thank you Princess. It definitely makes me see things differently hearing what you've said and I will be more understanding. For one of my friends who I don't think will be able to have children (without IVF anyway) I know she will be very down about this and she is surrounded by a big family of cousins and a brother who all have babies, so I know it must be very hard for her. I'm sorry for your pain too as I can only imagine how painful it must be. Thank you for your reply.
Hi OP, I've been there myself.
I'm going to say something that might be wrong to say, but the older I get the more I find with female friendships that there's always an very hidden undercurrent of competition and envy at the bottom of it. Especially if you are the one getting what the others dream of.
Unfortunately, I don't think there's much you can do in this kind of situation. Your friends are probably envious of you having children with no difficulty while they can't at the moment. Only very mature people can cope with these feelings and not let them affect the friendship.
Most people are very childish at heart and we have to let go if we're not feeling comfortable with them anymore.
One of the hardest lessons I learned in life is that friends - like many other relationships - are not meant to be forever. They change, and if you're happy to live with the changes, then good, but if they've turned into people you don't like anymore, it's best to let go.
Thank you Nero, I think what you said it's absolutely spot on! I think perhaps I cling to the past too much and think friends should be forever when in fact as you rightly say, they come and go.
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