Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
newlywed. . Help(11 Posts)
I'll try not to drip feed or ramble, I don't suppose it's much out of the ordinary but I need help.
Dh have been together 7 years, married little over three months.
We have a 2 year old. Who is the light of both of our lives.
previous to dc, we rarely argued. Having a demanding dd obviously changes the dynamics and dh is a wonderful father. I'd like him to change more nappies! but overall is great. He also pulls his weight around the house. I suck at housework and o am sure this is frustrating for him.
Our sex life is sporadic - sex is great but it comes and go in clusters when toddlers sleeping and my sex drive (tiredness) allows. It would be fair to say we both wish it were more regular but him more than me.
We bicker alot, and it has probably gotten worse this year as I have suffered depression and anxiety for the first time. Its been hard for me.. difficult for him to understand. .but were trying to get through it.
When ever we don't have dd, we instantly fall into our old selves. We laugh and joke and thoroughly enjoy each other. I don't know why, but I've noticed it and so has he. We've only been childless a handful of times. is this normal?
anyways. As I say, we are newly married. And twinned with my anxiety I am just terrified that we aren't going to make it. I'm so tired if arguing and bickering and the digs we make at one another. We don't scream or shout..but it feels like a horrible routine.
I miss him. I miss us.
How can we make our relationship better? is this normal or?
Sometimes I see other couples who seem blissfully happy families and I wonder why ours seems stressful.
The fact that you have both noticed it is a major obstacle out of the way. The next step is to talk about it together, have you mentioned your concerns to DH? Has he a view on this??
I know how you feel. Is there some sort of resentment going on under the surface that neither of you are discussing? Usually if issues aren't discussed then they do tend to manifest themselves in other ways, such as bickering, little digs etc. best to have a bit of a honest conversation with each other.
The other issue is sleep. Being tired can make ppl grumpy and snappy.
Also do keep trying to have date nights and what not, I do believe that time without the kids is vital.
I dont think there is anything in particular causing resentment, I think we are taking our little frustrations out on each other because we can't (and won't! )take them to the root source. ...our dd. .. lack of sleep. . messy house (its not.. dh is a bit ott) that sort of stuff. Its almost a habit.
Dh isn't the best communicator which is really frustrating. I am stubborn. So is he.
I just feel extra sad this morning because we had a todo last night (dd been sick for over a week, he was away two nights but one wasn't compulsory and I snapped when he suggested I do bedtime and said hw should have come home that night and blah blah) ) this morning he said two words to me and left for work frostily. (sp?)
I just think. ..this isn't how I imagined things.
We want dc#2 but I don't feel able right now. And I'm also petrified that no2 will destroy us.
Having very small children is a major stressor of marriage - newlyweds or not. Do you get any kind of stress relief or time out of any kind?
I'm sorry but this rather snacks of a very old story of a rather selfish & possibly immature man feeling pushed into second place by his own child. Definitely resentment. If you rarely argued before you had DD it's probably because he sees you as being there for his benefit .... hence why he only cheers up when your DD isn't there. He's really not pulling his weight as a father if he's choosing to stay out at night rather than be home to mop brows. He's 'a bit OTT' about a house that isn't messy but he says it's messy. He wants more sex and is making you feel guilty for not putting out He's not a good communicator which sounds a lot like 'sulking' (or leaving for work frostily)
I think you have to stand up to him here. Not 'snapping' which sounds very end of tether emotional but sitting him down and explaining the reality of what it means to be a FAMILY.... where no-one is more important than anyone else and where everyone has to grow up and make a few adjustments in the process.
I think it all sounds normal.
The key thing in the bad times is to pull together as a couple. Make sure you can lean on, and confide in each other with all your hopes and fears.
This means sharing your thoughts and feeling together, acknowledging and understanding the thoughts and feelings of your partner and then both of you together trying to find ways to improve what you want to improve, and accept the things you can't.
My DH and often have niggles, but by expressing our niggles at the niggle stage (rather than allowing them time to fester and develop) really helps us. We know our relationship isn't perfect but we owe it to our marriage to continuously make little improvements. This is why, nearly 20 years on, our relationship has never been better despite things outside of our marriage being very difficult ATM.
From what you said, I too would be very concerned about trying for another child at this stage.
If you were able to stop making digs, do you think that your DH would stop too? I went through a horrible nagging stage, and found it very hard to stop. What really helped was agreeing that we would have one evening a week, and only that one evening, when we could raise anything that we weren't happy with. For example, with your DH staying out the extra night, that sort of thing would get saved up for the moaning evening. By the time the moan evening came along, I'd have forgotten most of the things (as they really didn't matter), and be able to raise the one or two things that did matter in a calm way. This broke the habit of frequent digs. It also stopped DH constantly fearing that he was about to get nagged.
You don't say (sorry if I didn't spot it), are you a SAHM? Are you in a position to ask family to help or to put DD into childcare for just a few hours a week (or if you work, a few extra hours) to give you a break? Do you and DH both get any regular time to yourselves, to relax without feeling guilty? Is there a way that you could do this?
What are the top 3 things that you would like to change? What are your DH's top 3 things?
First of all, I think you need to accept that a certain degree of stress is going to be placed on even the best marriages with the introduction of children. Most parents, even the best of them, tend to suffer sleep deprivation and disrupted lives with all the obvious fallout that arises from them. Be kind to yourselves. Things get a lot easier IMO from the age of about 3, and once they start school it's almost like getting your pre-children life back.
Obviously, that's a way away for you, but don't be put off by feeling that you just have to "hang on in there" until that stage. There is an element of that to some degree (especially with poor sleepers, little family support, or those with a major case of the terrible twos, for example), but it's also a case of mindset.
I'm not sure I'm going to be able to explain this very well, but you need (and I suspect your DH needs this a lot more than you do) to accept that you are parents. The fact that things return to normal when DD is away means that you are still looking at your old, pre-DD life as the norm against which everything is measured. It's not surprising that it's all going to fall short of that carefree, fun existence. You need to accept that's gone (at least for now) and actually create a proactive plan for the sort of family that you want to be. You are now a unit of three, rather than two, and while you should never lose sight of the importance of the couple relationship, it has to be nurtured in the context of being a family, not "we can only work on our togetherness is DD is out of the picture".
Look at the flash points that cause bickering. Find ways to avoid them. If mornings are stressful, get more organised the night before or get up earlier, for example. Have date nights at home, where once DD is in bed you refuse to turn on the TV but chat instead over a meal and wine, or play a game. Think of family activities you can do that are fun, and find ways of killing two birds with one stone (e.g. long walks tire out the dog as well as the child, and can also be a lot of fun if you do it as a family). Get creative.
In the meantime, please make sure you are looking after yourself properly, getting help for your anxiety and depression and insisting that DH allows you equal time for sleep and recreation. If he gets a night out, so should you. In fact time apart from each other having fun separately is an essential ingredient for keeping the spark alive.
Good luck, but this all sounds very normal.
Hi guys thank you for all the responses.
Im on my phone so apologies for any typos. I'll do my best to respond to any of the points raised ..
Dh is honestly the best dad. He fusses her constantly, is the silly fun one. She's a total daddies girl. He's hands on and there is very very little I can fault him for here.
Same with the house, he does all our laundry, the bins and dishwasher etc. I am clean but messy. He is a complete tidier! This has always been the case though and is a family trait.
I think when I refer to our lives pre-dd I do soley mean our relationship, not our life iykwim. We are both really committed parents and especially for me- it was all I ever wanted. We would move heaven and earth for her happiness and safety and I suppose in our quest to be the best parents we can, we've forgotten about 'us'
we just bicker and dig about everything . toys everywhere. .how we're never on time anywhere (I can't stand lateness. .he is so relaxed he's horizontal! ) its sooo petty. But it all tends to boil down to dd. . . her poor sleeping...the sheer amount of stuff kids gave.Every.Bloody.Where! etc. Just day to day stuff that we have gotten into a routine of letting frustrate us and take it out on one another.
No I am not a sahm, or I wasn't. - ive just been made redundant and expect to be out for a few months max, so I guess until I find a new job I will be. With the depression and anxiety we agreed this was a good thing and that I would use the time to get better - or feel better and manageable and try to find a slightly less stressful job.
we don't really need to worry about it £ But it's fair to say I value myself more when I am able to contribute and am working. . and obviously we've lost a wage regardless so we have to be more mindful.
I think you both need to sit down and compliment each other, have a big hug and a kiss and admit that this bloody parenting thing is hard but great and you'll get through it together. Then make a pledge to be kind. Instead of seeing each other as slacking off or not being good enough acknowledge that you both need a break and that you will both try to go easy on each other - you in relation to timekeeping and him in relation to tidiness.
You're a team. Help each other out. Pat each other on the back. Take the piss out of each other. Let things go.
Join the discussion
Please login first.