How to deal with bizarre friends

[lottieandmia]

I have a 'friend' who I have known since childhood. Her behaviour is really odd. Making plans to meet up and then not turning up....then asking to meet up again and cancelling that.

Anyway, a few weeks ago my dds started gymnastics. I didn't know her dd also went to this club. I dropped off one of my dds tonight and she was there and she completely ignored me!! The last few days she has been messaging me on Facebook saying how nice it would be if we could meet up for a coffee. She definitely saw me - she looked directly at me and then hurried out of the door.

Should I confront her about this or just ignore her from now on? I know I shouldn't care but I felt really hurt that she would ignore me like this for no reason.

[chocolate2891]

ignore dont waste anymore time on her you deserve friends that care not those who dont

[lottieandmia]

Thanks. I know it's not just me she does this to, : cancelling plans but I did not expect her to ignore me. I just don't understand some people.

[chocolate2891]

some people are just plain right rude i cant understand it either...you having other friends will make you feel better and show too that your not a push over! hth x

[BrunoBrookesDinedAlone]

'Ok. Why don't we get together at gymnastics and have a chat?'

[wontletmesignin]

I have behaved in a similar way before. Not quite how you describe though.

I have suggested meeting up with an old friend - and meaning it. But then not taking it any further and never mentioning it again.

I have also avoided people,where at times it may have been obvious.


These situations for me have not been down to rudeness, but extreme cases of anxiety.

I know there is no excuse, really. But when in that moment, dealing with the fight or flight response...i flee. I wish i didnt.

[Freyalright]

It sounds like your friend might suffer from an anxiety disorder. From what you describe it's exactly the behaviour my friend with anxiety displays

[lottieandmia]

I get when someone has a mental health issue, I really do and I understand. But she turned her back on me and started chatting with someone else. So it was obviously me who she was avoiding.

[Proseccoisnotrah]

I used to get anxiety and would do things like this a lot and absolutely kick myself afterwards for being so awkward. I think there could be more going on with her.

[Proseccoisnotrah]

Many x-posts.

[wontletmesignin]

She may have turned her back on you, maybe spoke to her friend in a case to avoid avoid avoid.

I have done this. One day i could be talking to someone fine. See them the next day and i struggle to say hello in passing. A simple hello!

When coming closer to the person, my thoughts go like this:
"Do i say hello? Did we talk enough yesterday for us to be friendly enough to say hello? Will they say it back? Will they say it first? I will wait. If they say it first, ill say it back"
By this point, i am starting the whole avoid avoid thing, and probably looking awkward.
If they say hello a huge wave of relief washes over me and i say it back. Sometimes i just smile.
Sometimes i guess they either dont like me, or were waiting for me to look more approachable and then we never speak again and i feel like such a shit.

[Freyalright]

My friend says her anxiety is worse when seeing certain people, certain situations, or not expecting to bump in to someone. She says it's not rational.

Your friend either 'hurried out the door' or 'started talking to someone else. One or the other.

[lottieandmia]

You may all be right. I suffer from anxiety myself but I have known this person since we were 12. And she only talks to me to find out gossip about others now that I think about it. Why was she too anxious to talk to me but fine with everyone else at the gym?

[lottieandmia]

Ok, maybe I am not understanding enough.

[lottieandmia]

Just to clarify - the club is very crowded with children at pick up time. She was standing up a flight of stairs, I caught her eye, she looked away from me, talked to someone else and then hurried out of the door.

[wontletmesignin]

Maybe she isnt worth your time after all.

If she is fine with you when it comes to gossip, it could be that she feels safe knowing there is a topic. I cant stand not knowing what to say to people. I rely heavily on their flow of conversation.
Or it could be that she really is ignorant.

If you would like some form of relationship with her, then i would ask her what that was all about.

If not, then id just take a step back and let her get on with it. Dont arrange things with her, just talk in passing.

[lottieandmia]

I just don't get it. But she seems to be fine with going out with other people etc.
And yet she is always messaging me on Facebook. If she doesn't want us to be friends then fine but why pretend? Why keep asking me to meet up?

[LoveUall]

Ignore. Dont worry you are not alone i have a fair few of these so called friends, and people wonder why i keep myself to myself these days :)

[Firekraken]

She's not a friend though is she - you don't consider her to be a friend I mean. Otherwise you would somehow try to find out if she's ok? You wouldn't just post on a forum with these kind of details?

So she's not a friend.

If you do want to be friends with her however, maybe you could ask her if she's ok and have you done something to upset her etc.

If it's a non-friendship then you have done your best.

Don't bother trying to ring her on her telephone though because she won't pick up. (ref to another thread )

[lottieandmia]

Yes I do see what you mean. I don't think I've explained it well. She is one of those people who is always going out of her way to chat to me on Facebook, for example and being friendly on there and saying she wants to arrange to meet up and asking about my children. Then if we do arrange to meet up she cancels it or worse just does not turn up. She lives about 2 streets away from me!

I have known her since school. If she feels we cannot be friends that is ok but why pretend when in real life she can't give me the time of day?

[indigenoustothesofa]

I agree with the other posts saying it sounds like it could be anxiety. I can be terribly socially anxious and it probably looks hugely impolite to others at times. I would really love to be someone who is able to casually meet up with friends etc. and so in the past have happily arranged to meet with people, and then on the day started panicking at the last minute and cancelled (and then felt shit). Also, I find it MUCH easier to talk on facebook because there's less pressure to reply instantly, I can leave whenever I like just by saying "anyway, better go!" or whatever, and I don't have to worry about sending off the 'right' body language signals, blushing, stuttering, etc.

Obviously I'm not saying she definitely has anxiety or anything, just that nothing you've said rules it out and a lot of it seems to fit. I'm surprised so many people have replied saying similar things, though - didn't realise it was so common.

[indigenoustothesofa]

Also, re. her not acknowledging you but talking to others, I behave similarly at times because specific social situations make me inwardly freak out. I saw an acquaintance at the other side of the park the other day when I was there with my ds and just DID NOT KNOW how to react to this (smile and wave but stay where I was - or would that have been unfriendly? Go over to see her - or would that have been intrusive? Raise my voice and initiate a conversation from across the park?) so basically blanked her. It sounds ridiculous, I know. If she had been right next to me I would have freaked out less.

[lottieandmia]

Thanks for your insight into this. I know that it isn't just me because I remember seeing someone write in her facebook 'I waited in all morning for you, what happened?'

[bluebeanie]

Google 'avoidant personality disorder'. Could be her? I once walked past my then dp (now dh) in the street and didn't alert him to the fact I was there. Yes, it sounds odd to the vast majority of people.

[lottieandmia]

Hmm I don't know. She obviously does have some issues I think. But then she was not too shy or avoidant not to invite herself and kids to my house when she discovered I had a trampoline!

I have posted about this before but she also would ask if she could pop round. I would say yes, ok any day except Tuesday. And then she would say 'how about Tuesday?'

Tbh I don't think I am going to get to the bottom of this by asking her either.