Any advice gratefully appreciated because I am desperate.
I am 12 years married. DW has always seemed to me a bit slow to 'get' social situations often to her detriment. Before we had children, this wasn't a problem for us because we spent all our time together. Since then (elder child is 8, younger 5) we have had many arguments - not significant in itself perhaps, but it is the nature of them is. It is hard to describe what is wrong, but I will simply say that talking something through with her is like talking something through with an alien from another planet. Working something through with her is absolutely laborious and far more so than anyone else I've ever known well.
Someone whose opinion I respect says she thinks my DW has Asbergers. I doubt my DW would take at all kindly to that suggestion, so I don't imagine I will mention it to her, but it would be useful in finding coping strategies for myself.
Here are some characteristics of my DW, some positive, some not. I would appreciate comments about whether they demonstrate asbergers or not:
- she frequently misunderstands what I or someone else has said
- she misreads social situations
- she misunderstands instructions, to the extent that she lost her job and her career last year
- she is a keen cyclist and spends about 20 hours a week exercising and cycling; she used also to be keenly religious (while she still goes to church, it's not her raison d'etre any longer)
- she is alternatively very affectionate or very scolding towards the children but never .. just .. neither - me also - it is all praise / blame / praise / blame.
- she finds it hard to concentrate on more than one job at a time
- she takes very definate moral views and never nuanced ones
- she is very quick with names - she has called me an anti-Catholic bigot, a misogynist, cruel, irrational, overly-rational, a liar, and various others, and yet shortly afterwards it can be as if she has said nothing at all, almost as if we haven't had a row.
- she is very kind and attentive in situations where someone is injured, or requires help in some way (probably me excepted); situations basically where there is clearly moral good in the act.
- she will flare up if I ask her for help e.g with housework of keeping things tidy, regardless of how tactfully I ask - in fact I don't know how to ask her in a way she finds tactful, which is not a problem I have with other people.
We have just had another row in which she has accused me of being controlling about money. I don't even have a bank account in my own name (she does). I am so upset that I am ready to leave.
I just really, really want to find a way through but I simply don't know where to start. We are already in counselling for the second time, and have had 5 sessions with the therapist. My DW thinks it's gone really well, but when I hear what she says in the sessions, it is almost as if she hasn't understood me at all.