Have got myself into a silly situation... Again...
New bf... The one who can be flakey and immature...
Been doing BDSM, he is mostly the submissive ATM.
Was initially reluctant to play dom but found I enjoyed and was good at it. Have discussed with him previously that my ability/desire to be cruel comes from having been abused by men and is directly tapping into those (well repressed) feelings of hate.
He initially found this exciting. I know... He's quite immature, the relationship is not particularly serious. I felt this was better than freaking out, we discussed it...
I have discovered he is not particularly good at knowing what he is comfortable with though. He wants me to be ever increasingly cruel, which I am. He usually is very excited by this.
However, the other night I broke him... Literally... When he said the safety word, we were doing something he decided he wanted as a reward, it was ill advised in my view, but he was insistent without really thinking/knowing about what it would be like/listening to me about necessary preparation. I did stop immediately when he pretty much inevitably didn't like it, but felt utter contempt and full of hate for him and found it very hard to mellow and become sympathetic and comforting.
He was extremely emotional for a good hour after but said he was excited by it the day after so confident I haven't hurt him. What I'm concerned about is how it made me feel and where those feelings were coming from - pure hate and contempt, thinking 'you utter privileged weakling to get to say no and not endure the pain and humiliation your kind has heaped on me.'
We talked about it and thought we should back pedal to just having normal sex, he suggested I should speak to rape crisis about my repressed hate. But this whole thing now feels quite fucked up.
Maybe it is. But I don't feel interested in 'normal sex'. It's like I need it to be painful and cruel in some way for me to be interested.
I haven't name changed which is perhaps unwise but I don't like to. I'd appreciate it if you could be a little kind, even if you tell me the obvious, and help me work out what is going on and how to fix myself... Is it the relationship or is it me or both?
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Sex... Again
Offred · 13/01/2014 01:33
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