Fight with mother. What to do?

[mermaid101]

I've posted on here a few times about my Mum. She can be difficult and I think she does have some narrassistic traits.

I was supposed to be hosting Christmas dinner this year and my sister and her family were supposed to be coming. This is now not going to happen as there is a serious illness in my sister's in laws family and they are needed there.

I didn't know that my sister hadnt told my mum and have just mentioned this to her. Christmas dinner is still on and my in laws are going to join us. My mum is really angry about this. She was very short with me and stormed out my house which upset my DCs.

I have such a feeling of dred now. I feel like I have dropped my sister in it and my mum was furious with me because I tried to point out that the situation wasn't really my fault. My mum is angry because I have adopted "an attitude".

I am now dreding Christmas Day. I don't particularly get on with my in laws (although we can rub along ok), my mum will be in a total mood, and my poor poor husband will be trying to smooth everything over and cook for us all.

In the interest of being complete I'm pregnant and have had a few complications so far and need to take things fairly easy.

So how to proceed please? In the short term should I contact my mum to see us she got hone ok? And any advice about how to handle Christmas Day?

[kitsilano]

Poor you! She sounds like a nightmare. I think this is a case of "shoot the messenger" and really not your responsibility to sort out.

I would warn your sister, give your mum some space to calm down, assume she is coming for Christmas and if she mentions it again gently tell her that they way she got so angry with you really upset you.

[mermaid101]

Thanks for that. What lovely, calming advice.

I should also mention - sorry for the drip feed - that this is my mums first Christmas without both her parents. Her father died earlier this year.

Part of my discussion with her was about other Christmas days I had had to endure. These have included having to fit in with plans which didn't suit me the day after my fiancé 's funeral, having to fit in with plans the first Christmas I had after my dad died, ditto after my much loved grandmother had died, ditto having to nurse said grandmother through a short but devastating illness during one Christmas period... I could go on. The point being that she has never really given me any consideration over difficult Christmases. I can appreciate why she wanted the day the way we had planned it, but with this unexpected and serious illness which has come to light, my sister really has no option . But my mum is not aware of the illness situation and i am not able to tell her as the ill person does not want people to know at this stage.

[kitsilano]

Ouch. You have clearly had some horrendous Christmasses - and naturally you are worried about your pregnancy as well. You must try to remember you aren't the one who is making this Christmas difficult for your mum. You're just stuck in the middle. Try, if you possibly can, not to take on the responsibility for making everything ok.

Support your mum as much as you can, given that however narcissistic she may be, she is probably feeling very sad. If it comes down to the logistics of the day, be sympathetic but suggest she speak to your sister as it's not something that is in your control.

Don't let her turn in on you, and if she does, try not to respond with examples of your bad Christmasses because that engages in the argument and risks turning into a tit for tat.

Good luck and look after yourself.

[Hissy]

Have the christmas YOU want. You don't have to host if you don't want to, and your mother doesn't have to come if she doesn't want to.

She has NO right to ruin anyone's christmas whatever the situation.

You've done nothing wrong. Nothing at all.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

If your mother is a narcissist it is simply not possible to have any sort of relationship with her.

Have the Christmas you want. It is not your responsibility to make your mother happy; such people are never ever happy nor take any responsibility for their own actions.

You have done nothing wrong here, it is not your fault that your mother is the way she is. Her own parents did that.

[Youhaventseenme]

What Atilla said.

When I read just the title, my first reaction was apologise if you were in the wrong, ignore her if you weren't.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I tend to treat adults that tantrum the way I treat toddlers doing the same thing. i.e. give them time to calm down and then tell them to apologise. In the circumstances, I don't think it was a smart move to keep this illness thing secret. Why protect others' feelings at such a bad cost to yourself? Otherwise let mother stew....

BTW... @Atilla... I don't think it's as simplistic as blaming someone's parents. Parental influence on personality is overplayed, not only IMHO but borne out by various studies. the OP has a difficult parent and yet seems to be able to act reasonably.

[mermaid101]

Do you know- that is so true. My mum is never happy. Ever. If she won the lottery she would manage to find fault with it in some way.

I can see that the most sensible course of action would be to tell her about the illness. I wasn't able to, as my sister had told me in confidence. It is extremely serious and the person doesn't want anyone to know at this stage for a variety of reasons. My mum is not known for her discretion and couldn't be trusted with a secret of this magnitude.

I'm very greatful for all the responses so far. I find my mother so difficult to deal with. I was shaking after she left last night. This makes me scared and angry. On the outside I am a normal, capable woman and I cannot explain how she can reduce me to this.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

She reduces you because she's your mother and, for the first years of your life, she was in full charge of every aspect of it. That's a position of power and it's not something you shed that easily, no matter how old you get. But if you can detach from her and realise things like she's never happy, then you're starting to treat her like any other difficult old bat rather than this special figure with all the expectations that come with a historical relationship.